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June 19, 2005

F411 Championship: Round 9 – US Grand Farce

I want to check something. That actually happened, yeah? It's pretty dire. What amazed me most was that Bernie Ecclestone wasn't able to somehow magically make the race happen. I'm not sure how he would have done that but he's little over five foot tall with a stunner (by convention) of a wife so he can make most things come about if he really wants.

I imagine everyone watching felt the same when the cars pitted after the warm up lap. You knew it was about to happen, but somehow you couldn't believe your eyes.

Here's what I'd have done. I've have locked the team principals in a room together, give it an hour or so and then the last one alive would get to choose how to solve the problem, no matter how crazy. Here are some of my own suggestions:

  • Get the drivers to race Porsche supercup cars. I'd love to see the F1 grid racing each other in a one make race. It'd be fascinating to see who'd come out on top.
  • Wheelbarrow race. The drivers have to complete two laps with their teammates, taking it in turns as the wheelbarrow.
  • Unicycle racing.
  • A watching paint dry competition for all the F1 powerbrokers. See how they like it.
  • Put Bernie and Max and Jean Todt (ie. the FIA *chortle, chortle*) and anyone else you care to mention in the stocks.

It almost felt like ITV were on our side for a bit, what with Martin going on about his 8 million mates back in Britain. Cheers Mr Brundle Sir! But then James Allen blew it with his comment about the first people F1 having to please being the sponsors and the manufacturers. Forgetting anyone James? Should we just switch off then? I laughed so hard at that comment, it was probably the highlight of the race.

Oh well, even if F1 couldn't organise a motorrace at the motorracing capital (sic) of the world F411 isn't going to give up. The show must go on!

10pts Second bottle collector guy: I think he had a really good technique. The first guy did okay but he wasn't so precise. The second guy was straight in, a nice turn and out again. It was very impressive. If I ever need to pick up bottles in a professional capacity I'm going to model my approach on his.

8pts Cute Checkout Girl: I was buying my pizza for eating whilst the Grand Prix was on and the checkout girl in Tesco was really pretty. It's scraping the barrel I know, but like I say she was really pretty.

6pts Oddyseus: Gotta give points to someone, and seeing as I'm currently reading the Oddysey it makes sense. Have you ever defeated a cyclops? No? I rest my case. Though seeing how it took him so long to get home I don't think he'd be much good in a race situation. The new Jarno Trulli?

5pts The aforementioned Pizza: It was rather scrummy. It was the Meat Feast if you're interested.

4pts Tom Kristensen: For winning le Mans for the seventh time. Impressive stuff, he actually had to race other cars too.

3pts Richard Hammond's Mum: For indicating on the Top Gear test track when taking a corner. Very funny.

2pts David Coulthard: Maybe the other drivers felt the same way, but good on DC for wanting to race. And he was talking alot of sense (as usual) when Ted Kravitz interviewed him before the race.

1pt Tiago Monteiro: Poor bastard, he gets on the podium and there's noone there to spray champagne on. He was like a little boy sat all on his own with a big cake at his birthday party. He was really determined to make the most of it though. Bless his little cotton socks.

-1 Googolplex pts Michelin: This whole mess could have been avoided if they'd brought suitable tyres.

June 15, 2005

F411 Championship: Round 8 – Canadian Grand Prix

A rather typical Canadian Grand Prix, don't you think? It wasn't boring but for some reason I felt really sleepy whilst watching it and was in a deamlike state, so I'm not entirely sure what happened. Karthikeyan won right?

Due to the evil Sith lords at ITV I didn't watch qualifying until Sunday morning. I recorded it rather than staying up late, it was only a recording anyway so I didnt think it made much difference when I saw it. Given that they've only just gotten rid of the farcical Sunday qualifying session and that I never managed to follow a single one of these via radio or internet, and certainly not on TV - heaven forfend we should get to see the crucial part – I'd consider this to be quite ironic. Actual irony too, not mere coincidences as we have to suffer from Brundle and F1 Racing.

Silverstone Test

A couple of weeks ago I went to the F1 test at Silverstone with Warwick Motorsport. Even though I'd been to the Grand Prix in 2001 I was completely blown away by how quick the cars were. it was amazing! When we first got there and saw the cars for the first time it was as though someone had pressed the fast forward button. I was half expecting everyone around me to be moving around really quick and talking like chipmunks. Indeed Alvin, Simon and Theodore were there, well Simon was at least.

For some nice pictures, lookie here

I was wearing my purple and black hat at the test, so I was rather hoping that one of the drivers would turn up in Montreal with a new helmet design saying "At the Silverstone test I saw this guy wearing a for sure purple and black hat by the side of the for sure track and thought he looked really cool, so I had to for sure copy the design. If the person in question wants to ring up my people he can have free tickets to all the remaining Grands Prix this year… for sure." I was most disappointed.


10pts Tiago Monteiro: Martin Brundle was right, it was so hard to pick out a great drive from anyone, so Monteiro gets the big score on account of being on of only two drivers – take a guess who the other is, it's quite unbelievable – to finish every race so far. That and it's just comedy to giv ehim such points.

8pts Juan Pablo Montoya: He made a pigs ear of it in the end, but he gave Raikkonen food for thought, given how sensational Kimi is at the moment, you can't help but be impressed. But on the other hand:

That kind of thing is hard to miss, though I suppose Montoya was probably seeing red anyway after messing up by not pitting, so wouldn't have noticed a little more.

6pts Michael Schumacher: It was a weird performance from him, in that he doesn't usually inherit places - there aren't usually many for him to inherit. But he didn't stuff it into a wall or forget his mirror-signal-manouvres, so he's deserves some credit.

5pts Christijan Albers: I very nice performance in qualifying, it takes you back to the days of Alonso sticking it to the Benettons, unfortunately with Albers I fear this may be the exception rather than the norm.

4pts Felipe Massa: The other driver to finish every race. I told you it was unbelievable. Another strong drive, all those spins at Silverstone 2002 seem a long time ago.

3pts Jacques Villeneuve: Credit Suisse where Credit Suisse's due. For how much longer though?

2pts Giancarlo Fisichella: Nevermind JFK, this is a real conspiracy! Renault seem determined to screw things up for him wherever possible.

1pt David Coulthard: For saying nipple on live television. tee-hee!

-1pt Jenson Button: A very nice pole position, but it was all downhill from there unfortunately. Perhaps he paid too much attention to the whole "Champions Wall" thing and thought it might help his chances. I'm not entirely sure that's how it works Jenson.


10pts Sauber: I've been really harsh on them recently but they were pretty good in Canada, if Villeneuve can qualify eighth they must be doing something right.

8pts Ferrari: Not quite the revival we might have expected but you can't slag off a team with two cars on the podium that much.

6pts McLaren: It's boring, but they are quick. I'm still not sure what happened with Montoya and the safety car, but they were making for an exciting race beforehand.

5pts BAR: A big improvement from Nurgburgring – it would have been hard not to be I suppose. Plus they used up two lots of bad luck with Sato's car so should be clear for the rest of the season.

4pts Minardi: Another race and another time when Minardi show up more establiushed rivals.

3pts Red Bull: They were slow, they were outqualified by Minardis but they still got three points. It's a mystery, but if they were still green they probably wouldn't have got past the first corner.

2pts Williams: Hey, what do you know? Williams can blame their drivers for not doing as well as they should. It's Ralf and Juan all over again.

1pt Toyota: I really can't think of anything they did in that race. Seriously. Oh well, may as well give them a point.

-1pt Renault: For their anti-Fisi conspiracy.

-10pts Jordan: It's just one big mess. Then they try to fall out with their best (and very well funded) driver. It's not smart.

Special Cases

1pt Me: For brilliantly timing my laundry and watching qualifying, so that after watching the session whilst my clothes were in the drier a was back at the launderette just a few moments before the clothes stopped spinning. That's the sort of timing Juan Pablo Montoya could do with learning.

1pt Rubens Barrichello, Jenson Button, Takuma Sato, Fernando Alonso, Giancarlo Fisichella, Mark Webber, Nick Heidfeld, Kimi Raikkonen, Pedro de la Rosa, David Coulthard, Christian Klien, Ralf Schumacher, Jarno Trulli and Tiago Monteiro: The drivers present at the Silverstone test.

1pt Ferrari, BAR, Renault, Williams, McLaren, Red Bull, Toyota and Jordan: The teams present at the Silverstone test.

June 02, 2005

The Student Way

Admission to Silverstone for an F1 test… free
Lotus patch for my bag… £4
Water… free from the tap
Ingredients for sandwich at lunch… 40p (approx.)
Chocolate bar at lunch… part a multipack bought by a relative
Money for petrol… refused
Seeing your heroes in action… priceless

Some things in life money can't buy, for everything else blag, scrounge, barter, freeload, borrow and steal.

Put up with on campuses around the world.

May 30, 2005

The F411 Championship: Round 7 – European Grand Prix

First of all a mention on the rebranding of the championship. After performing a highly detailed marketing analysis we (me and my Pot Plant which grimly overlooks me as I blog) concluded that such exercises were pointless. However I also concluded that "Mike's F1 championship" sounds like a description of the 2000–2004 seasons. ie. Mike Schumacher's F1 championship. After thinking for about three seconds I came up with a new name and F411 was born.

I guess one of the main things to say is how happy I am that I was able to watch the critical part of qualifying. And what a session it was! Nick Heidfeld you beauty! Though it was tempered by James Allen's quote of "And Quick Nick has proved today that he is… quick." Um, right-o James.

Danger seems to be the big debate after Raikkonen's troubles. I could spend a long time constructing a well thought out, well worded argument about why I'm right and everyone should listen to me, but I'm no good at that so I'll just link and let someone else do it. As ever Pitpass is right on the money. Naturally there's lots of fuss about the single tyre rule and Paul Stoddart is calling for a control tyre to avoid a repeat incident. Now which team was it that stood in the way of that because they wanted to preserve a tyre advantage? A certain team in red perhaps? hmmm, looks like that came round and bit them from behind.

One of the things in the post-qualifying show that got me thinking was what Jim Rosenthal has on his clipboard. I have to admit I'd never noticed it before Saturday, but I presume he's always had it. Perhaps it has lots of statistics about the drivers, teams and tracks, all the information he needs to appear erudite and professional. Now, I think Jim Rosenthal is a pretty good host for the show, but god he talks crap sometimes. I'm prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that, perhaps, ITV are to blame for how they pitch the programme. Anyway I strapped on my jet pack, flew to the Nurburgring and stole the clipboard whilst Jim was worshipping the short grey haired ringmaster, or as he is more commonly known, Satan. Here's what I found:

And after such a long preamble we finally reach the all important points.


10pts Mark Webber: I thought most of the drivers who made it past turn one did pretty shitty jobs. They were either too slow or kept throwing it off the track. Mark gets points for not committing either of the two previously mentioned crimes, even if he didn't get the chance. But he also gets points for being so honest. As a general rule in life I have a lot of respect for people who can admit when they messed up, though did Mark really mess up anyway? He's proven himself to be great in this regard before, such a Malaysia last year when he 'fessed up to trying too hard and throwing it in the gravel. Top bloke.

8pts Nick Heidfeld: Did you know, Nick Heidfeld is the top German drivers in the championship standings? You'd have thought ITV might have mentioned that, say, three thousand two hundred and twentyeight times. He's mega at the moment.

6pts Rubens Barrichello: After disappearing (according to James Allen) Rubens is back in existence! The Ferrari revival may have been postponed but he gave it his best anyway.

5pts Giancarlo Fisichella: Oh if only he hadn't stalled on the grid! It's going to start coming right for him soon, I really do reckon he's capable of matching Alonso.

4pts David Coulthard: A great drive and the best incredible start. Okay, well it was more that everyone drove off the track to get out of his way but nevertheless and he did do well to get a fourth place. So, clearly he can start well and race well, so why on earth can't he do something a simple thing like pressing a button?

3pts Christijan Albers: For the best pit exit I've seen in years. That's how it used to be done, slam the power on and off you go. Of course that was usually to get the car to slide out past some mechanics in the next garage (remember these things having a turning circle the length of the M1, or is that width?) Seeing as the Minardi garage is at the end anyway I'm not entirely sure what he was up to but it was good to see anyway.

2pts Vitantonio Liuzzi: For giving it some welly. Did you see that massive slide out of the last corner he had? I always like it when drivers try hard.

1pt Tiago Monteiro: He also gave it some, he even qualified quite well, which for a Jordan driver these days means being ahead of the Minardis.

-1pt Jarno Trulli: After driving so well so far this season he's gone back to his old ways. It's a shame, I guess it was to do with tyres but we've come to expect a bit more from Jarno.

-2pts Fernando Alonso: After crediting Liuzzi and Monteiro for going for it I'm going to totally contradict myself now and take points off Fernando for going off the track. Hey, I make the rules round here.

-3pts Kimi Raikkonen: He actually drove the wheels off his car, well excepting the tethers he did at least. If sporting cliches are becoming occurances perhaps Paula Radcliffe ought to start tieing her socks to her ankles, Rocket Ronnie O'Sullivan should wear Kevlar wasitcoats and Alex Ferguson should buy some parrot medicine.

-4pts Jenson Button: He didn't do anything on Sunday so I'm not going to write anything about him today.

-5pts Ralf Schumacher: I sometimes forget how pathetic Ralf is. He's just sappy and dull, I don't think I need anymore reasons.

-6pts Juan Pablo Montoya: Just get on with it already! He couldn't even overtake on Sunday. If he can't manage that then where's the point of the guy?

-8pts Jacques Villeneuve: I think helping Kimi gain a flat spotted tyre may be the biggest impact Jacques has on the higher order this year. He really is doing an appalling job, there's just no way around it. He can't even get lapped right, how hard can it be?

-10pts Michael Schumacher: There was something very Mika Hakkinen 2001-spec/Damon Hill 1999-spec about that drive. In short it was like he couldn't be arsed. I'm not convinced by suggestions that he might retire at the end of the year, but what the heck do I know about it?


10pts Red Bull: Shock Horror! They actually led a lap. I was impressed, it's gotta be said they're doing a superb job, though at this race they benefitted from everyone else being a bit shit frankly.

8pts Williams: Another decent showing. It's weird isn't it. Heidfeld inheritting a second place is a good result for them, but really they should be getting slaughtered for not keeping pace with McLaren and Renault. Williams as much as anyone have been the team to have suffered most because of Ferrari dominance, they certainly had the next fastest car between 2001–2003, possibly even the fastest during 2003, but now Ferrari are struggling they're not on it. It's a shame really.

6pts McLaren: It's not their fault Montoya seems reluctant to drive and Raikkonen seems intent on over driving. Perhaps Kimi's trying to compensate for his team mate's lethargy. Was it dangerous to not bring Kimi in? (Would he have come in anyway?) Of course it was, but motorracing is dangerous, it even tells you on the tickets! The logical conclusion is that the teams should tell the drivers to go slower because driving fast is dangerous. The teams are there to try and get the most out of the rules, so in this case is the single tyre rule to blame?

5pts Renault: You've gotta love Flavio Briatore. Regardless of how much they got their arses kicked by McLaren he was as bullish as ever. His point was that the race isn't over until it's over and at the end it was Alonso leading. And I suppose ultimately he's right. Though, I guess if you look at it that simplistically then I really shouldn't bother writing all this crap (if?) seeing as how the point to all this is redressing the balance.

4pts Minardi: Mixing it with the Jordans again, though have you noticed that they're still way off in the race? Bit mysterious that one.

-2pts Toyota They're at risk of losing their way. I suppose they're still doing okay but there's got to be big expectations now.

-5pts BAR: Frankly that was pathetic. Put it down to concerns over engines, put it down to going out first in qualifying, put it down to whatever you like, but for a team who finished second in the constructors championship last year to be down in ninth after seven (or should I say five? four? er..) rounds. Whatever, it's not good enough.

-6pts Ferrari: Not another nothing race? Well they did manage their third podium of the year so at least they got something from it, but it's not really enough is it? If you check out the fastest race laps you'll see Schumacher was only 1.8seconds faster than the quickest Jordan, which isn't that big. Admittedly Jordan had a good race pace (by their standards), but well, you'd have assumed that it was due to tyres, but then why were Ferrari slow? You could keep going round in circles with that one forever, which is appropriate for a discussion about motorracing.

-8pts Sauber: What a mess. As if they weren't having enough problems with Villeneuve they end up with this situation with Massa. Shades of Antonio Pizzonia anyone? Actually how many F1 drivers haven't crashed a road car in similar circumstances at some point, I believe Gerhard Berger had quite a record.

-10pts Jordan: They're in danger of making Martin Brundle redundant. Previously we've needed his expert views to be able to tell which cars are handling well and which are handling badly. Because ultimately all F1 cars look more or less the same as they corner to the untrained eye, so you need someone like Martin to explain whats going on. But the Jordan is so obviously bad, even whilst watching qualifying hungover after Friday night I could see that! For crying out loud, poor Narain and Tiago would probably do just aswell if they turned left for right handers. James Allen said that they had a new aero package on the way but I think he was jumping he gun a bit. A new aero package, I didn't think they had one to start with.

Special Cases

10pts Jenson Button: I forgot to mention in the previous round how good a job he did commentating at Monaco. No I mean it! Certainly compared with expectations at least. I mean, the guy sometimes comes across as a bit of a twit in interviews, he doesn't make the intelligent comments that, say, David Coulthard does. So I didn't expect much but I thought he sounded pretty good at Monaco.

10pts Heikki Kovalainen: He's just so good. I can't believe nobody signed him up over the winter. Given the problems Sauber are having and how much they're paying Jacques Villeneuve you have to wonder what the hell they were thinking. I remember watching Kovalainen racing in Formula Renault in 2001 and thinking he looked really quick. Before anyone starts to think that I'm really good at predicting who's the next big thing, I also thought Giorgio Pantano, Antonio Pizzonia and Tomas Enge were pretty special, so clearly I'm full of it. Here's a quick bit of trivia. As you know, Kovalainen beat Schumacher to win the race of champions last December, and of course Jacques Villeneuve beat him to the championship in 1997. But which other current F1 driver has beaten Schumacher to a championship? Answers on a postcard kids.

1pt Chelsea Reay, Thomas Hourigan, David Kelly, Simon Young, James Lewis, Mathew Mannion, Bruce Davies: F1 fan bloggers are okay by me. Though clearly your opinions are all wrong, unless you happen to agree with me that is.

-10pts Me: For being rude to someone on blogs regarding a comment they made about F1. I then apologised saying I might have misinterperated them. I have no idea how you misinterperate someone but it doesn't sound particularly pleasant.

10pts Sheffield Wednesday: Definitely not a Formula One constructor, prior to this season we couldn't construct a decent scoring chance let alone a highly sophisticated racing car. But, we've made it back into the Championship now. Hurray!

Drivers Standings
30pts Fernando Alonso
29pts Nick Heidfeld
23pts Giancarlo Fisichella
23pts Mark Webber
20pts Jarno Trulli
18pts Kimi Raikkonen
13pts Simon Young
13pts Mathew Mannion
11pts Christian Klien
11pts David Coulthard
10pts Rob Margeit
10pts Glen Crompton
10pts Heikki Kovalainen
10pts Martin Brundle
10pts Mika Hakkinen
8pts Felipe Massa
8pts Pedro de la Rosa
8pts Christijan Albers
7pts Patrick Friesacher
6pts Narain Karthikeyan
5pts Takuma Sato
5pts Jenson Button
4pts Rubens Barrichello
2pts Michael Schumacher
2pts Joseph Long
2pts Vitantonio Liuzzi
1pt Chelsea Reay
1pt Thomas Hourigan
1pt David Kelly
1pt James Lewis
1pt Bruce Davies
0pts Alexander Wurz
0pts Anthony Davidson
-3pts Juaan Pablo Montoya
-8pts Tiago Monteiro
-16pts Ralf Schumacher
-31pts The twat writing this nonsense
-36pts Jacques Villeneuve

Constructors Standings
33pts Red Bull
32pts Minardi
31pts Renault
27pts McLaren
11pts Toyota
10pts Warwick BUKC
10pts Pitpass
10pts Warwick Blogs
10pts Sheffield Wednesday
-3pts Sauber
-4pts Jordan
-5pts Williams
-15pts BAR
-27pts Ferrari
-1026pts ITV

May 26, 2005

Mike' F1 Championship: Round 6 – Monaco Grand Prix

Once again there's no time to discuss the finer points of the race (It was a good 'un though, wasn't it?) so like a gameshow host once said "On to the Points!" (I can't think of a specific gameshow host who might have said those words, but surely there's one out there who has at some point said them)


10pts Nick Heidfeld Quick Nick uber alles!* He's very quietly becoming a real star. Yet somehow it's still too easy to forget he's there.

8pts Kimi Raikkonen *Except this man

6pts Patrick Friesacher The Minardi guys deserve some points for outqualifying the Jordans. I think Friesacher has real talent. I'm not saying he's a future world champion or anything, but he certainly deserves to be in F1.

5pts Tiago Monteiro For being ridiculously polite. Kimi was coming up to lap him and he dived into the pits out of the way. Well i suppose he does get lots of practice. By the end of the year he'll have being lapped down to a fine art.

4pts Chritijan Albers For also outqualifying the Jordans.

3pts Mark Webber: At last

2pts Michael Schumacher You forget how tough the guy is. We did only got the end of it, but that must have been one seriously aggressive last lap. He'd better start winning again soon if he wants to get in on the title hunt, if he can win it from here, that would be seriously impressive.

1pt Juan Pablo Montoya "Wasn't me. Honest guv!"

-1pt David Coulthard He promised to bare his backside if he made it to the podium. There's not alot I don't know about F1, but whether DC has a nice arse or not is a mystery to me and I'd like to keep it that way.

-2pts Vitantonio Liuzzi Not for his driving abilities, but according the the interview in F1 Racing he's into his R&B and Hip-hop. I can't get behind a driver with such terrible taste in music.

-3pts Ralf Schumacher The mistake he made in qualifying was the exact mistake I've made on Formula 1 '97 on my playstation hundreds of times – though given the primitive nature of the game I could just drive on without difficulty. My excuse on these occasions is along the lines of "I was looking at something out the window and not paying attention." Wonder if he plodded back to the Toyota garage and said "Well there was this really nice yacht see…"

-4pts Rubens Barrichello For whinging about Schumacher overtaking him. "I had to move out of the way because if I hadn't we would have crashed and lost the three points we won. I don't want to destablise the team but I have spoken to Michael and boss Jean Todt." A few points, if he didn't want to destablilise the team why is he moaning to the press. It's like me saying "I think all bloggers are dickheads but I don't want to cause contraversy". Secondly, yes Rubens had to move ou of the way, that's kinda how overtaking works. Thirdly no Ferrari wouldn't have lost any points because ninth place Felipe Massa had already finished the race a lap down.

-10pts Jacques Villeneuve One word. Muppet.


10pts Minardi 13th and 14th in Qualifying. That's pretty sensational. Admittedly it's only because of BAR's ban, Ralf and Juan's skirmishes and that fact that the Jordan was the first thing designed after the invention of the wheel, but still, it's not bad going.

8pts Williams After dissing them big time this season they come good. Obviously they just needed a kick up the arse from me.

6pts McLaren The boring obigatory points for the winners. Yawn.

5pts Red Bull I was very bored by the "oo look, celebratories approach", but the Storm Trooper pitcrew was hilarious. Though I think they may just have stolen the kit from McLaren and painted it white.

4pts Toyota Yup, still quick(ish).

3pts Ferrari That car's so quick in the races, if only they could get those tyres to work in qualifying. I think Brundle's talking shit when he says the car's not right. It's probably every bit as good as the last, I don't know, million Ferrari's made.

2pts Sauber Er, well the Grand Prix was a while ago so i can't remember why I decided to give them 2pts. I think it was for when Peter Sauber ran up to Ron Dennis and slapped him with a haddock. Or perhaps that was a (rather disturbing) dream.

1pt Jordan Because… they turned up?

-6pts Renault Not the best tyre choice there, it has to be said. Thats about it.

Special Cases

-1pt Me I discovered that apprently you can listen to qualifying 2 on the BBC website so I thought I'd make the effort to listen in. So at ten o' clock I switched on my computer, completely clueless to the fact that qualifying had already happened. hmmm. Least we'll have rid of this weekend.

10pts Pitpass I love pitpass. I've said it really is great. It's got allt he latest news. Actual news too, not the usual garbage you get on t'web. Sometimes they run fake stories to see who's copying they're work rather than looking for their own news. And other than that it's really funny

-10pts ITV For all the damn crazy frog crap during the ad breaks. And for James Allen suggesting that Michael Schumacher and Rubens Barrichello had vanished from existence. Apparently they were "Literally nowhere", That's one heck of an achievement. I hate pedants but where's the point of having the world "literally" if it's only ever used to emphasise the point. What would he say if Schumacher and Barrichello actually did vanish altogether? He's got nowhere to go!

May 20, 2005

Mike's F1 Championship: Round 5 Spanish Grand Prix

A week ago my friend Ian nagged at me for not having written up this round of the championship. Yes! You read correct. Someone actually bothers to read this tripe! It may have taken me a whole two weeks since the actual Grand Prix, but here at last is my round 5.


10pts Kimi Raikkonen I really love Kimi at the moment (not in a gay way, I'd still rather have his wife thanks), so I was happy to see him win. Considering I'm fairly anti-McLaren that really says how much Kimi rocks!

8pts Giancarlo Fisichella The sky turned black. Fire and brimstone rose from the earth, a cackling was heard from all around. The world seemed to fall apart for a moment because someone managed to overtake at Barcelona.

6pts Mark Webber Mark Webber qualifies well, through no fault of his own makes a crap start, finishes up sixth. Bet he thought he'd left those days behing with Jaguar.

5pts Jarno Trulli Because he seems a decent bloke in the interview in the latest copy of F1 Racing magazine. "I'll never be a superstar" is the quote on the cover. Fair play to him.

4pts Michael Schumacher I never thought it'd come to this but Michael Schumacher is getting pity points.

3pts Felipe Massa I can't remember where he finished, it was too long ago, but he's having a good season. How many drivers in F1 are making a former world champion team mate look silly?

2pts David Coulthard More? More? How many points does this guy want? Christ, he's doing better than last season in a McLaren. Wonder what Kimi would do in a Red Bull.

1pt Fernando Alonso I really need him to have a bad race so I can close things up a bit. Damn, he's just too good!


10pts BAR Yeah you heard me! That was brilliant interpretation of the rules. Stupid FIA getting all narky. F1 needs more cheating, it makes life interesting. Look at it this way: Would you rather hear about some clever way that a team cheated to get more pace or about how they worked for hours in a wind tunnel?

8pts McLaren Continuing my new pro-McLaren stance they get points. They do deserve them afterall. I still think they're a bit nasty, but maybe I'm turning to the darkside.

6pts Jordan Out of sympathy. The teams being slaughtered and now Alex Shnaider is apparently thinking about pulling out. It doesn't look good. If that weren't bad enough, there are rumours that a consortium led by Eddie Irvine are interested. oo er.

5pts Red Bull They just can't stop scoring points. Who'd've thought it hey?

4pts Minardi I don't need to justify my bias to you.

3pts Toyota God I'm bored of giving them a good score but it can't be helped. grrr.

-6pts Renault Stop screwing Fisichella over already.

-8pts Ferrari Just making hay while the sun shines.

-10pts Williams God they're awful this year.

Special Cases

10pts Mika Hakkinen For winning his first DTM race. Go Mika! (Plus it continues with the sudden urge to be nice about McLaren/Mercedes)

-10pts ITV They must have done something wrong.

April 25, 2005

Mike's F1 Championship – Round 4: San Marino Grand Prix

F1 has died, F1 has risen, F1 will rise again.

Okay, blasphemy over.

Golly gosh! That was an actual race! My hand's still shaking even now. I'm glad I don't have exams this week because I doubt they'd be legible. The race was so good, one of my flatmates even stayed in the kitchen to watch it, rather than the usual "Oh god! Not this crap again."

In other news, that was an interesting time for Red Bull to announce the deal with Ferrari. I think it makes sense, what with the new rules for next year, but that Cosworth engine is pretty special; Albers was second fastest through the speed trap during Qualifying One! I can just picture (hear?) it on the team radio after Coulthard's Qualifying One lap:
Christian Horner: "Nice lap David"
David Coulthard: "Thanks, we sucked for grip, but this cosworth engine is great!"
CH: "Er, yeah… about that."
It begs the questions which is the worst engine out there. Based on the Minardis I'd rule out Cosworth, and lets face it it's not Ferrari! Mercedes seem much better these days, and it's not Toyota or Honda – they've got plenty of grunt. I can't believe it's BMW either, surely not? Which would point to, er… Renault?!?! They do have great times through the speed traps, but I get the feeling they're able to run less donwforce than the other. Crazy or what? The runaway championship leaders might have the least powerful engine, though to be fair I guess power isn't everything – well I guess that's fairly evident!

Last week I set a load of questions, for anyone who cares, here are the answers:

  • Fernando Alonso is from Oviedo, Spain.
  • Pedro de la Rosa last scored points prior to Barhain at the Italian Grand Prix in 2001 for fifth place.
  • There have been two Austrain world champions, Nicki Lauda and Jochen Rindt (the only post-humous champ incidentally)
  • Kimi Raikkonen has spoken precisely seven words in his entire life.
  • Jarno Trulli's first podium was a second place at the 1999 European Grand Prix at the Nurburgring.
  • Michael Schumacher's kids are Gina Marie and Mick
  • Felipe Massa drove in Euro3000 before F1
  • Jos Verstappen finished seventh at the 2001 Malaysian Grand Prix
  • "g'day", "g'day"
  • Jacques Villeneuve never drove well, it was always the car. But I would accept the Indy 500 '95 or Estoril '96.
  • David Coulthard's jaw is squarer than 4, ah…
  • One current brother in F1 is slower than his sibling, officially.
  • McLaren were the last team other than Ferrari to win three consecutive Grands Prix, San Marino, Spain and Monaco in 1998.
  • Using sophisticated analytical machinery, we can ascertain that Ron Dennis has achieved such a level of boringness as it is possible to obtain. Though the result has yet to pass scrutineering.
  • Toyota have had seven race drivers in F1: Mika Salo, Allan McNish, Olivier Panis, Cristiano da Matta, Ricardo Zonta, Jarno Trulli and Ralf Schumacher
  • Pierluigi Martini led the 1989 Portuguese Grand Prix for one lap in a Minardi.
  • Tobleromes are made in Switzerland, no one went for the sucker answer of Cuckoo Clocks, which was kinda disappointing (cuckoo clocks are made in Germany)
  • Red Bull (of course) gives you wings
  • Cigarettes give you: Bad Breath, Yellow teeth, yellow fingernails, lunger cancer, heart disease, throat cancer, clogged arteries, wrinkles and an empty wallet, but they make you look so hip and sophisticated – all the cool kids are doing it.
  • As Simon Young correctly pointed out it was Pepsi who sponsored Jordan through their 7up brand, which was cleverer than I was being, I just wanted "7up"
  • Simon suggested, "In which year was Sir Frank Williams confined to a wheelchiar?" Ooo, good question! 1985?
  • Ferrari last went four consecutive races without a win in 1999, when Hakkinen won in Hungary, Coulthard in Belgium, Frentzen in Italy and Herbert at the Nurburging.
  • My favourite colour (at the moment at least) is purple, though I would have accepted red as that was my favourite colour previously.
  • Jonathan Palmer co-commentated with Murray Walker in 1996

And on to the points at last:


10pts Michael Schumacher: Here's what I wrote after qualifying in anticipation of taking a chunk of points off him:

Michael Schumacher They say you should never do it, but that's it, I've had it, I'm writing:
Off Michael Schumacher*

In all fairness how was I supposed to know the Ferrari was going to be two seconds a lap quicker than everyone else?

8pts Jacques Villeneuve: After I've been slagging him off all season he puts in a belter of a performance, beating both Williams and both Toyotas. Another world champion succeeds in making me look silly.

6pts Kimi Raikkonen: Poor lad. He's so not the ice man though, why the hell do people call him that? He's one of the most consistently pissed off drivers ever. He does have good reason. How many races should he have won by now? It's getting a bit silly.

5pts Jenson Button: A decentish drive, let's face it he probably couldn't have finished any higher.

4pts Narain Karthikeyan: Megastar! Only one lap down in a Jordan isn;t a bad effort. He's making Monteiro look like an idiot. Which I guess isn't that hard, but Webber making Alex Yoong, and Fernando Alonso making Tarso Marques look like idiots worked for them.

3pts Felipe Massa: He's still crrraaaaaazzzyyy but now he's got speed too. Poor guy having to change his engine, perhaps Ferrari are still hissy about Sauber abandoning them as a political ally so are giving them parts that are supposed for Rubens.

2pts Vitantonio Liuzzi: Now that was actually pretty impressive, lets be honest he made Coulthard look a bit silly there, and did Alonso and Schumacher lap him? No!

1pt Fernando Alonso: Clearly he deserves so many more points than this, but I'm getting really bored of writing his name next to the numbers, 6 8 and 10.

-1pt David Coulthard: Oh dear, DC seems to have given up. I guess he did have his stipulated one good drive of the year in Melbourne so probably has nothing left.

-2pts Rubens Barrichello: Rubens seems intent on being as anonymous as possible this year, maybe he's hoping Ferrari will forget he's there and not impose team orders on him.

-3pts Giancarlo Fisichella: It's just not happenign right now. After I raved about him before the season I'm not best pleased.

-10pts Tiago Monteiro: Well at least he's one driver who's proving me right.


10pts Ferrari: Clearly this car is very very very very very fast, but they don't get points for that. They get points because Schumacher's second place and Barrichello's DNF, means the normal order is resumed, Michael's ahead of Rubens in the championship. So James Allen will have to find some other crap to say.

8pts Minardi:


6pts BAR They're quicker than before… good for them.

5pts Sauber: After Malaysia I suggested that Sauber may have forgotten that they were on Michelins. Clearly the same happened again, except in a good way this time.

4pts McLaren: Hey they're quick! Ron Dennis is still boring though.

3pts Toyota: I can't believe it. Seventh and Eighth (perhaps, depends if Ralf's penalty stands) is now a bad result for them.

2pts Renault: Don't you hate it when the same team keeps winning? Still i don't mind hearing the French national anthem, so I'm not going to complain.

1pt Red Bull: I quite like their attitude to drivers now, it's growing on me. Though when Liuzzi was talking to Klien in the motorhome, poor Christian looked a bit hacked off. But it means we get to see David Coulthard get beaten by two youngsters. Double value discounts at Red Bull!

-1pt Jordan: If it weren't for single lap qualifying which forces us to see every car I think I'd have forgotten they'res actually there. At least the Minardis break down so we get to see them then.

-6pts Williams: That sucked.

Special Cases

-1000pts ITV It's not that often we have such a tense end to a race, so when it happens is it too much to ask to want to see it? Martin Brundle's grid walk was well below par apart from "Roberto Carlos? I'd rather meet his wife." And I can't imagine what insanity drove him to interview Ralf Schumacher. He'd qualified more or less nowhere, he's not having an interesting season (he's not having a bad season, but it's not interesting), he's not exactly the most charismatic driver, and oh yeah, he hates the British press! And who can blame him? They always diss him and there was that whole rumour about him being gay. Clearly the man who is married to Cora Schumacher is not gay. James Allen reached new lows. Now don't get me wrong I've never been a fan, but the guy's clearly a great big tory, so I now hate him. You must have picked up on the reference:

Oh, and dear lord, Mark Blundell being forced to wear that pink shirt again. Poor bloke.

12pts Mathew Mannion: Correctly answered lots of questions right and probably knows more than me anyway.

2pts Simon Young: For correct answers. Could have been more but he got cockey :p

2pts Joseph Long: For correct answers. Unfortunately most of them had already been answered otherwise he'd have got tons right I'm sure.

10pts Warwick Blogs: We rock guys.

Drivers Standings
31pts Fernando Alonso
16pts Jarno Trulli
12pts Simon young
12pts Mathew Mannion
11pts Nick Heidfeld
11pts Christian Klien
10pts Giancarlo Fisichella
10pts Rob Margeit
10pts Glen Crompton
10pts Martin Brundle
8pts Pedro de la Rosa
6pts Narain Kathikeyan
6pts Michael Schumacher
6pts David Coulthard
5pts Takuma Sato
5pts Felipe Massa
4pts Maark Webber
3pts Kimi Raikkonen
2pts Juaan Pablo Montoya
2pts Vitantonio Liuzzi
2pts Joseph Long
2pts Rubens Barrichello
0pts Alex Wurz
0pts Anthony Davidson
-1pt Jenson Button
-8pts Ralf Schumacher
-14pts Tiago Monteiro
-18pts Jacques Villeneuve
-20pts Me

38pts Renault
14pts Minardi
13pts Red Bull
10pts Warwick BUKC
10pts Warwick Blogs
7pts McLaren
6pts Toyota
3pts Sauber
-1pt Jordan
-11pts Williams
-16pts Ferrari
-20pts BAR
-1006pts ITV

*Note this joke was used by David Baddiel on one of the European Championship Fantasy Footballs with "Germans" in place of Michael Schumacher. Well I can't take credit for ripping off someone elses joke now can I?

April 10, 2005

Mike's F1 Championship Round 3: Bahrain Grand Prix

Better late than never... well perhaps

I enjoyed that Grand Prix, some good drives, some decent racing and Martin Brundle at the top of his game. The whole becoming Pedro de la Rosa thing was very funny, also the "pimp my hans" comment was cool. All in all a pleasing afternoons entertainment.

In a shameless attempt to increase the number of comments on my blog, rather than discussing the reasons for who getting what points – it's pretty much the same as the last few races anyway – I'm putting on a little quiz, each answer counts for 1 point in this championship! Probably more appealing is being smug at knowing so much and getting to show off, here goes:


10pts Fernando Alonso: Where is Fernando from? (For god's sake don't just say Spain)

8pts Pedro de la Rosa: Before Bahrain when and where did Pedro last score championship points?

6pts Christian Klien: How many Austrian World Champions have there been?

5pts Kimi Raikkonen: How many words has Kimi spoken in his entire life?

4pts Jarno Trulli: Which Grand Prix (including year) did Jarno first finish on the podium?

3pts Michael Schumacher: What are Schumacher's kids called?

2pts Felipe Massa: Which series did Massa race in immediately prior to becoming an F1 driver

1pt Chritijan Albers: On a Dutch theme, In Malaysia in 2001 Jos Verstappen had that mega drive, but where did he finish?

-1pt Mark Webber: g'day

-2pts Jacques Villeneuve: When did Jacques last drive well?

-3pts David Coulthard: How square is his jaw?

-4pts Ralf Schumacher: How many F1 drivers are slower than their brothers?


10pts Renault: When was the last time a team other than Ferrari won three successive Grands Prix? (ie. name those Grands Prix and which team)

8pts McLaren: On a scale of 1 to 10 how boring is Ron Dennis?

6pts Toyota: How many race drivers have Toyota had since joining F1?

5pts Minardi: Which was the only Grand Prix Minardi ever led, and who was the driver?

4pts Sauber: Name a famous thing made in Switzerland

-3pts Red Bull: gives you...

-4pts BAR: Cigarette's give you...

-5pts Jordan: Which soft drink company sponsored Jordan in 1991?

-8pts Williams: Think of a suitable question about Williams

-10pts Ferrari: Including Interlagos last year, that's four consecutive races Ferrari haven't won. When did that last happen?

Special Cases

-10pts Me: The top three in my championship is the same as in the real championship... kinda defeats the point. The question is What is my favourite colour?

10pts Martin Brundle: Who was the co-commentator to Murray Walker in the final year on the BBC?

Drivers Standings
30pts Fernando Alonso
16pts Jarno Trulli
13pts Giancarlo Fisichella
11pts Nick Heidfeld
11pts Christian Klien
10pts Simon Young
10pts Rob Margeit
10pts Glen Crompton
10pts Martin Brundle
8pts Pedro de la Rosa
7pts David Coulthard
5pts Takuma Sato
4pts Mark Webber
4pts Rubens Barrichello
2pts Juan Pablo Montoya
2pts Narain Kathikeyan
2pts Felipe Massa
1pt Patrick Friesacher
1pt Christijan Albers
0pts Anthony Davidson
-3pts Kimi Raikkonen
-4pts Tiago Monteiro
-4pts Michael Schumacher
-6pts Jenson Button
-8pts Ralf Schumacher
-20pts Me
-26pts Jacques Villeneuve

Constructors Standings
36pts Renault
12pts Red Bull
10pts Warwick BUKC
6pts Minardi
3pts Toyota
3pts McLaren
0pts Jordan
-2pts Sauber
-5pts Williams
-6pts ITV
-26pts Ferrari
-26pts BAR

March 21, 2005

Mike's F1 Championship: Round 2 – Malaysian Grand Prix

That was an alright Grand Prix; it even featured the novel concept of overtaking. I’m going to give a tentative thumbs-up to the new tyre rules – for now. I quite like how the race builds now, whereas before it seemed to be a case of the race being decided at the first pit stops and then just plodding on. Now we seem to at least have some uncertainty over whether cars are going to be going quick enough nearer the end of the race. Well in this one at least, as ITV told us about fifty times Malaysia is hard on tyres. Whatever the case it was nice to see some actual racing, see it’s not impossible! I especially liked the Webber-Ralf-Heidfeld battle; that was pretty cool. Indeed whilst thinking who to give points to and take them off from I could hardly think of anyone who deserved negative points. Other highlights included Martin Brundle using the word ironically five hundred times and the little love story in the Sauber garage: after Raikkonen passed Massa did you see the shot of a male and female mechanic/whatever sat watching the screen and then turning and exchanging a glance. It was a look that said more than a thousand words ever could. On to the points:


10pts Jarno Trulli That was bloody brilliant. Does he not realise he’s driving for Toyota now? Toyota’s don’t qualify on the front row and finish on the podium – it just doesn’t happen. If only he’d get a hair cut…

8pts Kimi Raikkonen I’m not exactly sure what it is, but somehow you get the feeling that Kimi’s the best guy out there at the moment. I know Alonso’s been absolutely sensational in the first two races, but Raikkonen seems so (Warning: Major cliché imminent) “hooked up” in the races, though not so much qualifying, but that may be the car. The best way I can put it is that Alonso’s pace seems astonishing, but you expect Raikkonen to be mega. I know he’s already 15 points off the championship lead; still he’s (Warning: Second cliché imminent) where I’d put my money if I were a betting man (Which I’m not anyway). He also deserves major credit for the move he put on Massa; that was genius; perhaps Mark Webber ought to take a look at a video of it. Also I was accused of being anti-Kimi, so I needed to even up the balance.

6pts Fernando Alonso Anyone who needs explaining why he gets a good score go stand in the corner for an hour.

5pts Nick Heidfeld Quick Nick getting a car worthy of his ability at last! I felt a bit sorry for him as James Allen kept describing Mark Webber as the team leader, when to be honest Heidfeld’s probably shown more potential than Webber anyway. Y’know, things like actually winning the F3000 championship, having finished higher than fifth in a Grand Prix, having to contend with team-mates (i.e. Jaguar only ever brought one real car to a Grand Prix and Alex Yoong(And Davidson, but two Grands Prix don’t count) and fairing well…ish.

4pts Ralf Schumacher He can race! Unbelievable, I had to rub my eyes when he tried to shove his Toyota up the inside of Webber, I thought I had fallen back asleep and was having a dream about some kind of parallel universe where Ralf Schumacher is good. Apparently it was real.

3pts Patrick Friesacher It’s a well known fact that to get the most out of a Minardi drive, all a driver can do is blow the doors off his team mate. Okay this wasn’t an Alonso-Marques scenario, but Friesacher made Albers look poor (well maybe he is?), until he spun off at least, but we’ll blame BAR for that.

2pts Christian Klien Another impressive performance. Out qualifying Coulthard and not too far behind him in the race either. See, he is good!

1pt Narain Karthikeyan He really is starting to look a decent little driver, well from what little we’ve seen of him anyway, it’s amost as if Jordan have started using invisible paint.

-10pts Jacques Villeneuve It’s so sad watching a former champion do so badly. It’s all well and good suggesting that he needs time to settle at Sauber, that it’s only two Grands Prix, but factor in the ones he drove (which in all honesty is an insult to the word drove) for Renault last year and he ought to be doing better. Utter rubbish.


10pts Toyota I can’t believe I’m doing this, but they looked really quick all through the weekend, it’s quite impressive, surely for them fourth (behind Ferrari, Renault and McLaren) in the constructors championship has to be the target. I’m not saying they will be fourth, but they should be setting their sights there.

8pts Renault It’s so boring giving such a high score to a team doing so well in the real championship, but I don’t see any way round it. They’ve just done a fantastic job, they’ve signed great drivers, seemingly improved the engine. Aside from that there’s all this fuss about how to win races, how to beat everybody else. F1 Racing magazine goes on and on about it so much. But Renault have won the first two Grands Prix simply by being quicker than everyone else – easy peasy.

6pts Red Bull Huh, it wasn’t flash in the pan. All of a sudden their in danger of becoming a decent little team.

4pts Jordan I absolutely love the rear wing on that car. If a ten year old had designed it, then that’s exactly how it would look. Magic.

3pts Williams So far Williams have been beaten by Toyota and Red Bull, but they seem to have done it quite well if you know what I mean. Put it this way, apparently their main rivals are supposed to be BAR, let’s face it, they’re kicking serious ass there! Besides they showed some decent(ish) pace in Malaysia.

1pt Minardi After taking points of them last week for that Australia nonsense I felt a bit guilty.

-3pts Mclaren They’re a bit disappointing. I was expecting much more. Okay I guess the pace is there and it’s just not come together, blah blah blah, Still not impressed though.

-6pts Sauber Pretty poor performance. It was almost as though they managed to forget that they’d switched to Michelin tyres and were thinking they had to run at Bridgestone levels of pace. Aside from this I read an article in this month’s F1 Racing about how the Sauber is “the sexiest car on the grid”. Unfortunately it’s painted in the equivalent of a floral dress. That livery just makes me want to puke.

-8pts Ferrari It’s not often that you can say that Ferrari sucked. Okay I suppose it was mostly down to the tyres, but they’re the one’s who have allowed themselves to become so isolated from the rest, so it’s their fault if they have rubbish tyres.

-10pts BAR I think both engines expiring is karma for their cynical exploitation of the rules. However I don’t see why the drivers should suffer, especially poor Anthony Davidson. Plus a friend suggested that the McLaren had horns, raising the suggestion that it was modelled on a moose or some other creature. Perhaps BAR should have followed this lead, because their car is clearly a dog.

Drivers Standings

20pts Fernando Alonso
13pts Giancarlo Fisichella
12pts Jarno Trulli
11pts Nick Heidfeld
10pts David Coulthard
10pts Simon Young
10pts Rob Margeit
10pts Glen Crompton
5pts Takuma Sato
5pts Mark Webber
5pts Christian Klien
4pts Rubens Barrichello
2pts Juan Pablo Montoya
2pts Narain Karthikeyan
1pt Patrick Friesacher
0pts Felipe Massa
0pts Christian Albers
0pts Anthony Davidson
-4pts Tiago Monteiro
-4pts Ralf Schumacher
-6pts Jenson Button
-7pts Michael Schumacher
-8pts Kimi Raikkonen
-10pts Me
-24pts Jacques Villeneuve

Constructors Standings

26pts Renault
15pts Red Bull
10pts Warwick BUKC
5pts Jordan
3pts Williams
1pt Minardi
-3pts Toyota
-5pts McLaren
-6pts Sauber
-6pts ITV
-16pts Ferrari
-22pts BAR

March 09, 2005

Mike's F1 Championship: Round 1 – Australian Grand Prix

Well after all the fuss over the new rules there didn't seem to be much difference in the racing, however there was plenty of comedy value:

  • After Raikkonen stalled on the grid wasn't it funny to watch as they all sort of sat there not quite sure what to do.
  • The pitstops! They reminded me of computer games from a few years ago. When you made a pitstop you'd drive in between your mechanics, during the stop itself they'd be motionless – clearly this is where the teams got their inspiration from.

Not much to say about the race because it was pretty dull, so onto the points:


10pts David Coulthard Impressive stuff. I'm very happy with his result because he's in my Fantasy F1 team!

8pts Giancarlo Fisichella A much deserved win, and he made me look good because I was harking on about him in the previous round. He also is in my Fantasy F1 team.

6pts Fernando Alonso Apparently it is possible to overtake, which is a relief. Unfortunately ITV went on about how well he did way too much so I can't give him more points because I hate ITV (see "Special Cases").

5pts Rubens Barrichello In a particularly strange Grand Prix it's nice to be reassured that somethings will never change. Rubens gets points for finishing in his usual second place. Also eight points clear of Schumacher, go Rubens!

4pts Narain Kathikeyan Actually he didn't do too bad, did he?

3pts Christian Klien Contrary to what James Allen may say, he didn't disappoint last year. Sunday was further evidence that he can drive.

2pts Jarno Trulli Just for getting a Toyota on the front row.

1pt Mark Webber How many of the other drivers equaled their best ever results?

-1pt Pablo Montoya Not the most stuning of performances and of course he "threw away second place".

-2pt Tiago Monteiro Didn't exactly do anything wrong, but was slightly unwilling the get out of the way when being lapped (see Villeneuve/Friesacher).

-3pts Ralf Schumacher Other than when his car left a trail of smoke off the second dummy grid we never really saw him. I'm sure he did something wrong though.

-4pts Patrick Friesacher Not particularly impressive, there's something wrong when a driver's greatest contribution to a race is to nearly take out one of the front runners.

-5pts Takuma Sato If you heard the radio transmition of Sato's Q1 outlap: "Too late" – indeed.

-6pts Kimi Raikkonen My driving instructor used to say that there are two types of drivers, those that stall cars and those that lie. Meaning there's no shame in stalling. However can everyone join me in a "ha-ha!" for Raikkonen. Also is he not happy unless he goes wide at that chicane during qualifying? How easy does he want to make it for Montoya?

-8pts Michael Schumacher After winning the championship last year Schumacher did everything in his power to f*** up wherever possible, clearly he's so confident of success this year he's going to try that all year.

-10pts Jacques Villeneuve That was just s***.


10pts Red Bull Mega stuff, thankfully I won't have to resort to ddrinking Kick it would seem.

8pts Renault Do I need to explain?

2pts Ferrari Damn that F2004 keeps going! Dread to think what's going to happen when they bring the F2005 out.

1pt Jordan They were completely anonymous, which these days, for Jordan is a good thing.

-1pt Sauber For having their weakest driver line up in years.

-3pts Williams_ They didn't exactly set the world on fire, Christ they were beaten by a blue Jaguar!

-4pts McLaren Not because of anything they did. This is for that freaky Mercedes A-Class commercial (you know the one) during one of the ad-breaks. It's the middle of the night, it's dark, you're on you own. That's really not the sort of advert you want to see. Yellow Submarine parodies about Hate, now that's okay.

-5pts Toyota_ Another driver line up change and they still suck.

-8pts Minardi F1 politics is_sooooo_ boring, stop it!

-10pts BAR The worst performance by BAR in ages, also the pathetic attempt at using the loophole in the engine rules. Rubbish.

Special Cases

-1pt ITV "Gow Webbow Gow" – shut up Jim.

-1pt ITV Who the hell was Ted Kravitz interviewing? "These people should be familiar to British viewers". Really?

-1pt ITV Or more precisely the person who put a red sock in with Mark Blundell's laundry.

-1pt ITV I'm so glad Martin Brundle interviewed Nicholas Cage, I mean otherwise I might have been under the delusion that standing on the grid before a race was boring. In fact I might have thought it was as dull as actually watching the race.

-1pt ITV During the race we're watching a graphic of the g forces on Kimi Raikkonen. The director changes shot to show David Coulthard and Mark Webber racing each other. James Allen (sounding disappointed): "Oh, we've cut away". Arrrggghhhh!!

-1pt ITV For showing the scary Mercedes comercial.

10pts Simon Young For winning a BUKC race, and quite possibly being the only person to bother to read this!

10pts Warwick BUKC For also doing well.

Drivers Standings
14pts Fernando Alonso
13pts Giancarlo Fisichella
10pts David Coulthard
10pts Rob Margeit
10pts Glen Crompton
10pts Simon Young
6pts Nick Heidfeld
5pts Takuma Sato
5pts Mark Webber
4pts Rubens Barrichello
3pts Christian Klien
2pts Juan Pablo Montoya
2pts Jarno Trulli
1pt Narain Kathikeyan
0pts Felipe Massa
0pts Christijan Albers
-2pts Patrick Friesacher
-4pts Tiago Monteiro
-6pts Jenson Button
-7pts Michael Schumacher
-8pts Ralf Schumacher
-10pts Me
-14pts Jacques Villeneuve
-16pts Kimi Raikkonen

Constructors Standings
18pts Renault
10pts Warwick BUKC
9pts Red Bull
1pt Jordan
0pts Williams
0pts Minardi
0pts Sauber
-2pts McLaren
-6pts ITV
-8pts Ferrari
-12pts BAR
-13pts Toyota

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