All entries for December 2005

December 11, 2005

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Many people are derided for believing Rudolph to not be truely one of Santa's original reindeer. There is a school of thought saying that this is a common error made by cretins, morons and seven year olds. However the true error is made by those who deride the supposed cretins, morons and seven year olds.

Rudolph was a an umcommmon breed of red nosed reindeer. Witnesses have declared that he has a very shiny nose. Many that have seen him have even said that it glows. However this is erroneous – the glow is merely a reflection from the brash and tasteless Christmas decorations disgracing the towns and cities of Great Britain

In a documentary filmed for ITV73483, "I'm a celebrity Reindeer get me some carrots!", the only surviving original reindeer Dasher admits that he and all the other reindeer "used to laugh and call him [Rudolph] names", in the documentary it comes out that the reason that he does not appear among the original reindeer is because they wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

However one foggy Christmas Eve during the seventies Santa was in a pickle and is quoted as going to Rudolph and saying "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" This is a lie. According to Dasher what Santa actually said was: "Get your fxxxing arse out here you lazy son of a doe, its freezing and we've got 730 million presents to deliver. Bloody useless Reindeer, I can't wait for everyone to start shopping on t'internet."

Then all the reindeer loved him (but not in a gay way) as they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer you'll go down in history!" Indeed they were correct as it later transpired that Rudolph got to the moon in 1967, two years before Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, invented the lightbulb and built St Paul's Cathedral.

The documentary airs on the 22nd of December and is a tribute to the deceased reindeer. The program conveniently glosses over their habit of cross dressing by putting on fake antlers when theirs had fallen off for the winter.

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