All entries for July 2005

July 28, 2005

It's amazing what you see advertised in the paper

July 27, 2005

Blogging Statistics

It has come to this blogger's attention that in general the standard of blogging decreases as the amount of free time increases. This is particularly true of the following blogs:

And also:

Here are overlapping graphs showing this over the past six months:

Clearly this is obeying the old adage of "More time than blogging capabilities."

For the record here are some statistics

  • I have 1 (one) blog.
  • I have around 100 entries, around, oh, 97 of which are crap.
  • Poisson Distribution.
  • That joke was precisely 100% terrible.
  • I have a huge readership. At least two people will read this sentence.
  • 93% of vans are white.

July 26, 2005

F411 Championship: Round 12 – German Grand Prix


10pts Jenson Button: Should he stay or should he go? Button is clearly in the camp of "the grass is always greener on the other side". He has a contract with BAR and he tries to go to Williams. He has a contract with Williams and he wants to stay at BAR (apparently). Perhaps he's just staying true to his (little) British roots: "I want that one."

8pts Kimi Raikkonen: It all looked so easy, yet somehow it didn't work out. As it's often pointed out, if it weren't for all these retirements he'd be leading the championship. But by that logic if it weren't for the other nineteen cars Doornbos would have won his debut race. Makes you think, huh?

6pts Michael Schumacher: An impressive display, though he must have been wishing it'd rain. ITV spoilt that by giving Jim Rosethal and Tony Jardine umbrellas. Sod's law dictates that it only rains when you don't have one. I'm not sure what ITV were up to there, there wasn't anyone in the background with a brolly. It was almost as though they were trying to say to the viewers "Look! It might rain! Please keep watching, it'll be exciting. We promise." Rosenthal seemed to be loving it, but Jardine just looked embarrassed.

5pts Christijan Albers: He's now the clear lead driver at Minardi. Whatsmore he finished ahead of both Jordans, a Sauber and a Toyota. Admittedly there were good reasons for that, but thirteenth from a race with only one and half retirements is good going. And the fact that he's the best Dutch driver in F1 suddenly means something.

4pts David Coulthard: A fair response to Louise Goodman's questions about a possible strike. But having read this article I think it's all a little clearer. Oh, but he drive well though.

3pts Robert Doornbos: I do like how he's nicknamed Doorknobs. I'd stumbled across this before as a possible pseudonym after his name was run through a spellchecker. The only disappointment is that he replaced Patrick Firestarter, I wonder what Kim Reckoned (Go figure) to that?

2pts Fernando Alonso: As the commentary team noted, he does like to inform everyone how many races he's won. I wonder how he'd deal with a season like Schumacher had last year. Feet? If McLaren's reliability doesn't improve he might have to take yoga lessons.

1pt Ralf Schumacher: Everyone gives him a hard time, but he's starting to rack up a fair few points. Besides I felt sorry for him because my Dad (who watches all the Grands Prix) asked me Michael Schumacher and Nick Heidfeld were the only German drivers.

-1pt Giancarlo Fisichella: His latest tactic seems to be to hide in the Grands Prix so his bosses don't know what he's up to. They're not going to give him the boot if they don't know he's there to begin with.

-2pts Rubens Barrichello: Clearly Rubens got it all wrong at Hockenheim. Schumacher's strategy was to get in front and just hold everyone up at the end, and he got four points for it. The only people Barrichello seemed likely to hold up on those rock-like Bridgestones were the Jordans and the Minardis. For Chrissakes, he was battling with Villeneuve on the first lap!

-3pts Narain Karthikeyan: At first it was cute, all this sideways stuff, but now it's starting to get a bit sad. Monteiro's starting to make him look silly.

-4pts Tiago Monteiro: I know it was only Villeneuve he smashed into, but it was still clumsy.

-6pts Juan Pablo Montoya: No, no, no Juan Pablo! You could see Ron Dennis seething post-qualifying. It's not often you hear anything from Dennis that stays in your head on account of his extraordinary dullness, but "All he had to do was make it round the last corner and we'd have been one-two" will probably ring in Montoya's ears for a while.

-10pts Jacques Villeneuve: Villeneuve's clearly so pissed off with Sauber that he's just going to try and destroy as much bodywork as possible. He was like a little kid on a computer game trying to have as many big crashes as possible then spending hours watching the replays.


10pts BAR: Finally they're picking up where they left off last season, about time! Still can't get close to McLaren and Renault though.

6pts Red Bull: The miracles continue. After twelve rounds of the 2004 season in a McLaren, David Coulthard had nineteen points. After twelve rounds of the 2005 season in a Red Bull, David Coulthard has… nineteen points.

4pts Renault: As Fernando Alonso pointed out it's no good being quickest only in the first 30 laps. McLaren's well found unreliability seems to be handing Renault the championship on a plate, escargot 'n'all.

3pts Minardi: Seeing how this car has to last them until about 2023 they'd better make the most of being the second worst team, it's probably not going to last for very long.

2pts Sauber: I was most interested to hear about the mechanic hitting Villeneuve on the head. Two points just for that. Personally I wouldn't want the person in charge of gallons of fuel to be pissed off with me. Wonder what Jos Verstappen did in '94.

1pt Toyota: The only thing I can think of to say about Toyota's German Grand Prix was that they were there.

-1pt Ferrari: Barrichello was barely a second quicker than Albers in qualifying. What on earth is going on? The only sensible explanation I can think of is that the nine "rebel" teams have put sugar in the tanks.

-3pts Williams: Poor.

-4pts Jordan: I was watching the official review of the 2000 season (it's terrible, they don't put much action in, for instance they only show Hakkinen's move on Schumacher at Spa once. And my lord does the narrator have an annoying voice) and there was a bit about Jordan getting Honda engines for 2001 with Eddie Jordan saying if the team didn't win the world championship with Honda it would be a poor reflection on him. Ahem.

-10pts McLaren: They used to have it right in the old days. Give Mika Hakkinen the good car and Coulthard the duffer. You can almost imagine Montoya sneaking into the garages on Saturday nights and swapping the numbers over to make sure it works out okay for him.

July 23, 2005


Are you lacking intellectual stimulation over the summer holiday? Do you need something challenging and fun to keep you mind going?

Don't despair!

Play Bloggle! It's the new craze sweeping the nation.

You've heard of Boggle, but Bloggle is different. Where in Boggle you could choose any permeable word from the grid, in Bloggle you have to choose a word that is either pretentious, superior or a feign at wackiness. For example:

  • Tory Party leaders aren't bald, they in fact suffer from alopecia, along with numerous psychological defects.
  • When you go to bed you aren't sleepy, you are somnolent.
  • The women on Big Brother aren't sluts, they're bawds.

It's the perfect game for students to show off and make everyone else feel fatuous.

July 21, 2005

Don't read Day of the Triffids and Harry Potter in succesion

It really screws you up.

Day of the Triffids is by John Wyndham and is about a vaguely apocolyptic scenario. Added to the mix are these nasty walking plants (Triffids) that go around killing people. Nice.

Harry Potter is by… oh, some woman, I forget her name – it's not like it's plastered everywhere. I don't think any explanation about the books is needed somehow.

My Dream

The setting as with the Day of the Triffids is an apocolyptic scenario. In my dream it was brought about by a nasty disease (Bird flu?) spreading throughout the world. I'm lucky enough not to catch the disease, well it would've been a short dream if I had, wouldn't it?

I'm running around trying to get away from some nasty-pasty people who are intent of destroying the remnants of the human population. Why? Who knows? Perhaps they need an ASBO. Whatever their motivation they chase me into an empty swimming pool.

This is where the Harry Potter bit comes in, don't worry it's not specific to the HBP so is spoiler-free. It's simply about doing magic – you did realise Harry's a wizard, right? – I use magic (woohoo!) to get out the situation.

Next I'm running through a school looking for some crystal. There's a whole bunch of these and I need to unite them in order to… save the world? I don't know, if it was I wonder what that says about my personality that I think I have to save the planet. The idea is that on their own these crystals (Chaos Emeralds? I was looking at Sonic the Hedgehog games the other day) are fairly useless, but put together they're really powerful. Not that anyone wants to give up the individual crystals anyway. sigh.

I eventually get hold of the crystal I was looking for. And now, lo and behold, her are some Triffids. T'riffic! Or more precisely, here are some plants that look alot like the ones in our back garden, but with the minor difference that they're murderous.

Unfortunately I woke up. Although seeing how you only remember dreams if you wake up during them I guess it was fortunate, or the rest would have been a blank.

Still, it beats dreaming about bus journeys/going to Tesco.

July 20, 2005

100% True Stories

These stories are completely true. I swear.

There was this six year old boy who'd been bought a chemistry set for Christmas. He'd made this potion in the evening and left it out on the kitchen table. His parents got up in the middle of the night, saw the potion, thought it was blackcurrent juice, drank it and died.

In America, there was this man and woman kissing in a field during a storm. They got struck by lightning and the woman died but the man was merely knocked unconscious. Because of the heat from the lightning they'd been fused together at their hands. A bear then came along and ate the woman's face. The guy came to, but couldn't move because they were stuck to the ground and was left to stare at the remnants of his dead girlfriend's face until he died of starvation. They were like that for a year until a group of Brownies came along on a hike and found the decomposing bodies.

A family living in Britain of Russian descent were sent a package from some relatives from the motherland. It was a jar with some powder and with it was an accompanying note written in Russian, so none of the family could read it. Figuring it to be the ashes of their Great Uncle they spread the powder somewhere appropriate, only to get a phone call a week later from the relatives asking if they'd enjoyed the gravy mix they'd sent.

July 11, 2005

Earplugs are Great

Follow-up to Make Poetry History from Bloggle

Earplugs are great,
Of noise they do sate,
So I'm hard to discombobulate,
Lots of people wear them, but not a girl called Kate,
Her neighbour watched TV really late,
So Kate cut off her legs and spoiled her gait,
Using steel which was corrogate,
She ended up in A&E where she had to wait
for four hours, give or take
in a place called Horsleygate
Where Barry and Rebecca did mate,
and gave birth to a chimp who could skate,
for our heroine called Kate
and they went to the wake
of Kate's legless flatmate
who died in a crate
when stabbed with a stake
by the girl called Kate
because the noise she did hate
and could no longer wait
to get to sleep; it was late,
if only she'd realised that earplugs are great.

F411 Championship: Round 11 – British Grand Prix

I don't understand why "they" knock Silverstone so much. I like it there. I don't understand the bemoaning of it's lack of facilities. Does it have burger vans? Yup. Does it have toilets? Yup. I don't see what else they need. Perhaps there's not enough luxury amenities for sponsors, but who gives a damn about them? It's not like they fund the sport or anything.

Actually, all Silverstone would need for me to be happy would be a water fountain to fill up a bottle taken from home and some appropriately placed trees to piss against. I ain't that fussy.


James Allen got the perfect opportunity to try out a new trick with the constant requesting scores out of ten for the drivers from Martin Brundle. I’m surprised Brundle didn’t punch him; he didn’t seem particularly enthusiastic about the whole rigmarole. And he kind of boxed himself in giving drivers seven, then eight, but then realising that the driver he was now scoring was better than the sevens, but not as good as the eights. Resulting in seven and a halves and eight and a halves. Good job it wasn’t like in the eighties with thirty plus drivers trying to qualify or we could have ended up with seven and three thirtysecondses.

I was disappointed by Christian Klien and Vitantonio Liuzzi’s flat, after the build up around the dock I thought we were going to see an F1 driver living in a boat, now that would have been worth watching. Clearly this would only suit the Takuma Satos or Nick Heidfelds as I imagine Alex Wurz might have a few difficulties. Actually I imagine Heidfeld feels a bit like he’s on sinking ship as it is.

Of the other features I enjoyed seeing Johnny Herbert interviewed. It must have made a nice change for him being interviewed by Louise Goodman not ten minutes after stepping out of a smoking Jaguar, afterall that’s what his last season in F1 pretty much consisted of.

The Race

Another dullish offering. F1’s getting back to normal. I thought it was a bit of a mess with the safety car at the start, even in America I doubt they’d have put it out. Actually, who am I kidding? They’d have to put it out because Luffield corner is too tight. Didn’t they once run a whole race behind the safety car for some reason? Being back with regular TV access at home I’ve caught some of the middle of the night motorsport action. I do enjoy the IRL (Go Dan Wheldon!) but my golly is NASCAR boring. Yeah they overtake but there’s nothing to it. They just go round for a bit swapping paintwork, someone smashes it into the wall – presumably because he’s a drunken redneck – safety car. Repeat twenty times over. Finish race. Thank goodness F1’s not that bad.

Other than that it was fairly un-noteworthy. Poor Louise Goodman didn't even have anyone bug after they'd retired. She managed to nab Connie Montoya – an unfortunate lack of a visual there I thought. Tut, tut, ITV not directing well – at the end and sounded rather desperate to talk to someone. She nearly had both Jordan drivers to accost according to James Allen, who then protested "we" thought he'd retired. I'm not sure who he meant because Brundle hadn't made any comment on it. At least he didn't try to blame him for rejoining.


10pts David Coulthard
_8pts Jacques Villeneuve_
6pts Christian Klien
They were having an almighty scrap over 12th, which probably makes them the only drivers out there doing so. They deserve the points that they perhaps should’ve got if only they weren’t going so slowly.

5pts Giancarlo Fisichella: He’s cursed at the moment. I’m not sure if Renault had already switched strategy for him and Alonso at the first stop, but it’s interesting that Fisichella pitted a few laps later than Alonso at the first round of stops but was brought in earlier at the second. It makes sense I suppose seeing how they wouldn’t want Fisichella to get ahead after the second stops. I do find the team order ban a bit ludicrous. What if a team needed to switch their drivers round in the final race to win the championship? There ought to be some sort of clause for situations where one driver needs to get past because they’ve got a blatantly better sot at the title.

4pts Juan Pablo Montoya: At last he wins for McLaren. It’s taken a while but he’s starting to show some good form. I though Jim Rosenthal was about to do some freestyling when he was going through the classifications: “Juan… the Man” I was almost expecting him to follow it up with “In the Mac-La-Ran”

3pts Kimi Raikkonen: Again he was denied by a penalty. It’s getting a bit frustrating just watching it unfold, god knows how he feels himself. And it’s not as though we get to watch him scything his way through the field because it’s all in the pit stops. As far I can work out he only actually passed Ralf Schumacher on the first lap, which is fairly normal, and Alonso when their fuel levels with different. It’s not thrilling stuff.

2pts Jenson Button: Poor Jenson, in his home country yet all on his own. He made for an exciting qualifying session, it's a shame his car wasn't quite quick enough in the race. I liked his comment about the (silly) rumours linking him to Ferrari. "If Ferrari are the sixth or seventh best team next year there is no reason to be with them except for a nice company car." I suppose it'd sure as hell beat a Honda Jazz.

1pt Ralf Schumacher: Again I give Ralf Schumacher a positive score. He managed to beat Trulli, though the circumstances sound perculiar.

-1pt Michael Schumacher: I thought it was "blah" kind of weekend for Schumacher. Ultimately he probably got the best possible result from the car, but there seemed to be an edge missing somewhere.

-2pts Rubens Barrichello: A brave strategy, but it was fairly hopeless. Again he ended up behind Schumacher, when really I think he should have beaten him.

-3pts Jarno Trulli: One of his dodgy races. Given the amount of stellar drives he's had this year I suppose he can be allowed a few off colour performances.


It’s rare that the result is quite so linear but we had such a race that it was so obvious who had the best car, right down to the back. Making exceptions for reliability and pit problems we could quite easily have seen them crossing the line two-by-two. Wouldn’t that have been dull? Regardless, I’ve awarded points accordingly.

10pts McLaren: Nice to see Ron Dennis didn't protest Bob McKenzie for wearing the shoes. Perhaps he's mellowing with age.

8pts Renault: I really don't like the advert for the Megane Scenic where the joke is that the car's a dog. It ccertainly iss to look at. I wonder if that's where the advertising execs got the idea from.

6pts BAR: Sounded a strange problem with Sato, a “theoretically impossible” problem. I’ll bet that made for an interesting radio conversation:
Sato: My car has a problem.
Team: Well theoretically it shouldn’t have so keep going.
Sato: Um…

5pts Ferrari: So Ferrari "misinterpreted the regulations"? Nah, BAR misinterpreted them, the F2005 is just slow.

4pts Toyota: I'm not sure what they're trying to achieve by using the same engine three races in a row for Trulli. Why they feel they specifically need a new engine at Hockenheim is a mystery. Have they not realised that Hockenheim doesn't haave the car breaking straights anymore. Coem to think of it, they never even raced on thaat configuration! I suppose if the engine didn't need replacing then why would they? But why not? That's the F1 way after all. Waste all, want all. It's not like Toyota are hard up.

3pts Sauber: A typical Sauber race, so I can't think of anything to say about them. Even if they won it'd be difficult.

2pts Williams: They could do with sorting out the engine deal soon. I guess that's merely an empty truism, but you have to wonder what they're going to do. I'd imagine Jenson Button's feeling relieved Buttongate turned out as it did, now about that 70%...

1pt Red Bull: It’s good that they’ve signed up Coulthard for another year, clearly they need someone with a little experience to sort the team out, but how many drivers do they need? They’ve got Klien and Liuzzi already (has anyone else noticed the crazy number of power taps they give each other? This is where someone pats the other person on the back. It’s supposed to be to do with power. Politicians do it all the time. I can’t blame them for trying to make themselves look more powerful than the other), plus have their fingers in Scott Speed’s best Apple Pie, and Heikki Kovalainen is with Christian Horner’s Arden team in GP2. I’m no mathematician – no wait, actually I am – but 5 in to 2 does not go.

-1pt Jordan: I read an article about Jurgen Kolles being nicknamed Chavski for his penchant for burberrry. If you didn't hate Jordan 2005 spec, I'm sure you do now.

-2pts Minardi: A vanishing weekend, not even mixing it with the Jordans, how disappointing.

Drivers Standings
34pts Mark Webber
31pts Fernando Alonso
30pts Nick Heidfeld
29pts Giancarlo Fisichella
25pts David Coulthard
22pts Kimi Raikkonen
18pts Jarno Trulli
18pts Christijan Albers
18pts Christian Klien
14pts Takuma Sato
12pts Felip Massa
12pts Narain Karthikeyan
11pts Juan Pablo Montoya
9pts Pedro de la Rosa
8pts Tiago Monteiro
7pts Michael Schumacher
7pts Jenson Button
9pts Patrick Friesacher
2pts Vitantonio Liuzzi
0pts Rubens Barrichello
-13pts Ralf Schumacher
-22pts Jacques Villeneuve

Constructors Standings
49pts McLaren
45pts Renault
38pts Minardi
36pts Red Bull
20pts Sauber
20pts Toyota
5pts BAR
-10pts Williams
-12pts Jordan
-12pts Ferrari

July 08, 2005

F411 Championship: Round 10 – French Grand Prix

Well that was a bit dull to be honest. Alonso winning so much has gotten to the point where on the news they're calling it "predictable" and the word "procession" is being bandied about again. Perhaps that's a little harsh, especially on the back of three successive enthralling (proper) races, ie. Monaco, Nurburgring and Montreal. But then it's probably just backlash from Indianapolis.


10pts Mark Webber: He drove most of the race with his cockpit at 80 degrees… Celsius! All to try and get a better qualifying slot at Silverstone in a car which appears to be genuinely getting slower and not just standing still while everyone else goes faster. What an absolute legend.

8pts Takuma Sato: In a race where everyone else seemed fairly content to play follow the leader Taku, as usual, bucked the trend and went a bit crazy. If it weren’t for him I think I’d probably have fallen asleep.

6pts Narain Karthikeyan: Nice and sideways. He should give rallying a go.

5pts Chritijan Albers: Likewise.

4pts Tiago Monteiro: I suddenly have a highly irrational fondness for the guy. I have no idea where it’s come from but it started to appear _before Indianapolis so isn’t related to him getting on the podium. He gets points for the shocked expression he had on his face when Martin Brundle interviewed him on the grid. He probably rang up his mum after the race to say “I got interviewed today!”

3pts Jacues Villeneuve: He's sort of getting there. Though BMW buying Sauber may be bad news for him. They'll surely be able to pay him off.

2pts Juan Pablo Montoya: A better display, though some work needs to be done in qualifying. At least it wasn't his fault he retired.

1pt Ralf Schumacher: I have no idea how he ended up in the points in the race. The same goes for here.

-1pt Patrick Friesacher: For not getting Brundle’s joke on the grid. He seemed in a world of his own. Similarly to Monteiro I’m not entirely sure he knew what was going on. It was probably the first time he’d had a microphone stuck in front of him so might have been confused. Good job he didn’t think Brundle was offering him food and he’d tried to take a bite out of it.

-2pts Giancarlo Fisichella: It's not going well. I'm no expert on being a racing driver, but I'm pretty sure being lapped by your team mate isn't good.

-3pts Rubens Barrichello: A damp squib of a performance. That's why Schuey's numero uno.


10pts Sauber: A strong race, possibly unfortunate not to have got more out of it. And Peter Sauber has managed to sell up before his team went down the pan. I hope Eddie Jordan, Alain Prostand Tom Walkinshaw were paying attention.

8pts BAR: They were never going to repeat 1999 and score zero points again, but it was looking pretty bad for them. Yet, they're still last in the constructors race. At least Button's going to get a decent qualifying slot for Silverstone.

6pts Renault: An astonishing performance considering that, according to James Allen, the benchmark is the McLaren. It probably is, but anyone would think the MP4-20 (Note to self: Check numbering before publishing, if already published remember to proof-read blog entries before publishing in the future) was designed by Jesus Christ (or at least Colin Chapman) the way Allen goes on about it.

5pts Mclaren: For designing sliced bread on wheels (how cool would that be?)

4pts Minardi: Er, I'm sure they did something good.

3pts Toyota: For getting points by stealth. They're sneaky this team.

2pts Jordan: I have no idea why I decided to give them points. Perhaps that Kolles bloke hacked onto my blog and edited it in.

1pt Ferrari: Thought it was more of a plus day than a minus day for the team in red.

-1pt Red Bull: Were they slow? Um… Well, Klien retiring so early wasn't good.

-10pts Williams: I know Ferrari won last year after making four stops, but Williams seemed to grab the wrong end of the stick. Williams aren’t famed for great pit strategy but making pit stops over and over was never going to win them the race. The only way Williams on current form will win a race this year is if the rest of the big teams get zapped in a War of the Worlds styley. Even then they might have difficulty beating the Jordans. I'm a bit worried that they're going to end up like Brabham and Lotus soon, fingers crossed they sort out decent engines for next year. Not Judds, pur-lease!

Special Cases

10pts Damon Hill: I didn’t see it, but he took the best time on Top Gear’s “Star in a reasonably priced car”. Well, you’d certainly hope he’d be capable of doing so, but he’s a general superstar so gets points for it.

July 07, 2005

My first blog entry: Enhanced and including Author's commentary

Follow-up to Guide to the Laundrette from Bloggle

I was feeling particularly sarcastic when I wrote this entry. I wrote it between going back and forth to the launderette near Rootes, even thoguh I lived in Hurst and the Hurst/Refern launderette was much closer. the trouble was I could never find it.

Guide to Using the Launderette

My main aim was to stick it to "the man". Doing laundry pisses me off because it's quite costly. Those capitalist pigs!

Sunday mornings mean only one thing for me. Rather than going to church to cleanse my soul I go to the launderette and clean my clothes. It's a slightly tedious but necessary job, I find its best to get there early before it gets busy. For anyone who's not sure how to use the launderette this is what you should do:

1. Get everything ready the night before, but make sure you forget at least one item otherwise its no fun.

This was perhaps a mistake to write because it reveals how utterly neurotic I am. I made a similar styled comment in a later entry about tieing ties the night before I wear them.

2. Forget to set your alarm and lie in well past when you intended, grumble something about the alarm turning itself off again.
3. Go to the kitchen and have breakfast whilst wondering why no one else seems to be up, its Sunday morning where can they be? Wash up but leave your tea towel behind so that it never gets cleaned and ends up all crusty.

Of course, this never actually happens to me because I'm perfect. I was merely using my artistic license

4. Shower, brush your teeth, shave, put on make-up or whatever else you need to do in the morning to make yourself look pretty, I find a paper bag helps best on Sundays.

This is true, I often wear paper bags on Sunday mornings.

5. Set off for the launderette, get halfway there and remember you left your money behind.
6. Go back home and pick up wallet, discover you have no twenty pence pieces for the drier. Moan to yourself about the stupid university trying to con us.

It was even worse two years ago. The washing machines used to cost £1.80, so to get the exact amount you need four twenty pence pieces. Though you could pay with two one pound coins and be no worse off than this year. It almost makes you glad pints of Carling cost £1.80 as you can virtually guarantee getting a 20p in your change.

7. Head off to the launderette again, get halfway there and remember you forgot to bring your pyjamas, think: "screw it".
8. Get to the launderette and find an empty machine, put your clothes in, discover that the bit where you put the detergent is all scummy.

I'd really like to know how they get so scummy. There's every reason to believe that it's a deliberate ploy.

9. Take clothes out of machine and put in a different one, after checking the detergent hole.
10. Try to put money into machine – discover it won't take it. Swear and curse under your breath. Aggressively throw your clothes back into your bag and make sure you slam the door to the machine so everyone knows how annoyed you are.
11. Find another machine, check the detergent hole, put your money in first, if everything works put clothes in and select cycle.

These points could probably have been summarised by saying "The machines in the launderette are crap and seldom take your change. This makes them the only things on campus to ever refuse money."

12. Leave to launderette to wait at home and forget to check your watch so you don't know what time to go back for.
13. Go back to the launderette find your machine and discover it still has 11 minutes left. Stand around looking like a moron.
14. Wait for the requisite 11 minutes and then remember you left your bag at home, run home looking rather silly, pick up bag and run back to the launderette.
15. Separate clothes that can de dried and put in machine, follow a similar procedure to that which meant you had to try three washing machines.
16. Remember the lack of twenty pence pieces, ask someone if they have change, they don't and look at you like pond life for asking, the fact that you're sweating after the run supports this view.

This is a slight at rude students. In a recent survey 90% of Warwick students were found to be "mildly snooty or worse".

17. Accept defeat and put a pound in the drier, get overexcited with the buttons and set your machine to dry for 70 minutes, make a note to yourself to be back after 45 so your clothes don't get cooked.
18. Go home and hang up the washing that won't go in the drier, get distracted and only make it back to the drier after an hour.
19. Take clothes out and put into the bag – if you remembered it this time, good for you. Burn yourself on any metal buttons on your jeans.

Getting burnt by buttons pisses me off. If there's no one looking I'll shake my fist at them.

20. Go home for the last time with good intentions of folding your clothes immediately so they'll iron easier. Put bag on bed and can't be bothered.
21. Go into the kitchen for lunch, afterwards wash up and find that the only use your tea towel is to unclean your plate, sigh and promise yourself you'll remember it next week.

I think I got my "University=Evil" point across quite well. The foul swine!

July 2005

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