All entries for February 2005

February 26, 2005

Mike's F1 Championship: Round 0

F1 is dull right? Wrong! Its extremely dull and donít let anyone tell you otherwise. Unfortunately there are some of us became hooked early on it in life and canít quite shake the habit. Itís a bit like heroin, you know its bad for you but if you try to give up you see babies wearing Michael Schumacher caps crawling across the ceiling. One of the problems with Formula 1 (should I be putting ďtmĒs there? Anyone?) is that the results are more or less always the same. The solution to this is to award points not based on the result but on merit, hence may I introduce to you:

The basis of it is that I get to decide who scores points – oh the power! Those of you who follow F1 will be familiar with the points scoring system. For those of you who donít (though I canít understand exactly why youíd be reading this if you donít) itís like this:

10pts Michael Schumacher
8pts 2nd place
6pts 3rd place
5pts 4th placeÖ

Down to 1 point for finishing in 8th. In my championship there will be a similar mechanism used, but with negative points for Ralf Schumacher and anyone else whom I think sucks in any given race. Seeing as my championship requires no racetrack, the first round is based on the off-season and scores are as follows:


10pts Takuma Sato Heís completely crazy. Itís absolutely fantastic. Its hard to think of a driver who tried to make more overtaking manoeuvres last year than Sato, even though sometimes you had to wonder if maybe the others had got it right (Nurburgring anyone?). Even so, if only a few more drivers tried so hard F1 would be much more exciting.

8pts Fernando Alonso Heís fast, heís young, he can do card tricks and heís the only person to ever look cool wearing a bandana.

6pts Nick Heidfeld He's shy, he's five and a half foot tall and nobody knows he's theres. He's me if I were a Formula 1 driver!

5pts Giancarlo Fisichella Hopefully Fisichellaís going to win a few more races now heís got a decent drive. I can't believe he's been in Formula 1 for nearly ten years and has only won one race, something's not right there.

4pts Mark Webber You could just about imagine him going down t'pub with his mates on a Friday night couldn't you? He's got to deserve some points for that.

3pts Juan Pablo Montoya Gets points for no other reason than I'm a fan, except maybe making Ralf Schumacher look silly whilst they were at Williams.

2pts Patrick Friesacher How long does a driver have to spend in F3000 before anyone notices them? Four years apparently, can't help when Red Bull decide they can't be bothered with you either. I reckon he's quick, glad we'll get a chance to see at last.

1pt Michael Schumacher I wanted to take ten points off him to make this more interesting by giving everyone else a head start. But then he denotes all that money to the Tsunami appeal and I didn't have the heart to do it. Damn!

-1pt Rubens Barrichello I like Barrichello, but it's a universal law that he has to finish right behind Michael Schumacher. Tough Break.

-2pts Tiago Monteiro Don't reckon he's good enough and his name's hard to spell.

-3pts Narain Kathikeyan Ditto.

-4pts Jacques Villeneuve How long ago does 1997 seem? Can't imagine Villeneuve doing much this year.

-5pts Ralf Schumacher Oh I just don't like him. Sorry to any Ralf fans.

-6pts Jenson Button Controversial, I know, but I think heís a twit. Everything was going so well at BAR that he tries to leave? I know heís British and thereís that whole thing about Besides he seems too easy going. I can imagine Schumacher having nightmares about Kimi Raikkonen holding his gaze with a cool stare, or Juan Pablo Montoya chasing after him with an axe, but I doubt somehow Jenson Button grinning idiotically has him waking up in a cool sweat.

-10pts Kimi Raikkonen You're all set to become the leading light in motor racing. So what do you do? Go out, get pissed, end up in a strip club, cuddle an inflatable toy. Way to keep the Mclaren wheels greased. Taking into account Interlagos last season I make that 2–0 to Montoya before they've even raced together as team mates.


10pts Renault Anyone who watches Top Gear will understand what I mean when I say ďWow!Ē, if you donít then tough. Needless to say Renault deserve credit for lending them the car. (incidentally, does anyone have any ideas who the current stig is? Iím dieing to know) Also this year's car looks pretty quick (cos things like that matter apparently)

8pts Minardi You canít help but love Ďem can you? Paul Stoddart's mega and they've got what I think is a pretty decent driver line up this year.

6pts Jordan What a great team they were! Four wins (albeit only one of them not in a crazy wet race) and the prettiest cars on the grid. Such a shame they had to go, though it was sad watching them slip further and further towards the back.

3pts Williams I really like their driver line up this year. I can't wait to see what Mark Webber can do, and Nick Heidfeld too. So they get points for that.

2pts McLaren I donít normally like McLaren but theyíve got such a good driver line up this year that they deserve some credit. And they have the best livery in the pitlane.

1pt Sauber You almost forget theyíre there sometimes, but they have a habit of doing surprisingly, if usually unspectacularly, well. Also Sauber means clean in German, and that canít be a bad thing.

-1pt Red Bull I was so happy that Red Bull bought Jaguar, because itíd be a bit quiet without them. Formula 1 can't afford to lose any more teams. But since then Red Bull have been so ridiculous, getting rid of Dave Pitchforth and Tony Purnell is a bad move. Also what were they doing with their driver line-up? ďWe wonít sign David CoulthardĒ, next minute heís in Barcelona testing the car. Hopefully theyíll stop messing around, but if they donít Iíll have to take more points off them (And start drinking Tesco Kick during late night revision sessions).

-2pts B..AÖ...RÖ B.A.R.ís history to date is this: BAR (I donít care if its supposed to have dots) come into F1, BAR suck, BAR get David Richards in, BAR get good, BAR get rid of David Richards, wonder whatís going to happen next?

-6pts Midland Already Jordan have been ruined, so soon after being taken over. They've signed crap drivers and just aren't fun anymore. Also Alex Snaider is newly atop of my list of "people I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley", replacing Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. Get the feeling Jordan won't be doing quite so well as Chelsea this year though.

-8pts Toyota I really donít like this team, they cheat, they spend too much money, sack drivers every other day and just arenít fast enough. As if that werenít bad enough my Dad drives and Avensis and the seats are really uncomfortable.

-10pts Ferrari I love Ferrari, but they need a handicap otherwise this just won't be any fun! Besides if you believe everything the internet tells you, apart from being unbelievably stupid, you'll know Ferrari are to blame for everything wrong with Formula 1 at the moment (apparently).

Special Cases:

-10pts Me This is completely self-indulgent, it's utterly geeky and I ripped this idea of the great Rob Margeit and Glen Crompton on (Brilliant website by the way). But they don't seem to do it anymore so I figured I'd make my own :p

10pts Rob & Crompo Out of humility and reverance.

Driver's Championship Standings

10pts Takuma Sato
10pts Rob Margeit
10pts Glen Crompton
8pts Fernando Alonso
6pts Nick Heidfeld
5pts Giancarlo Fisichella
4pts Mark Webber
3pts Juan Pablo Montoya
2pts Patrick Friesacher
1pt Michael Schumacher
0pts Felipe Massa
0pts David Coulthard
0pts Jarno Trulli
0pts Christian Klien
0pts Christijan Albers
-1pt Rubens Barrichello
-2pts Tiago Monteiro
-3pts Narain Karthikeyan
-4pts Jacques Villeneuve
-5pts Ralf Schumacher
-6pts Jenson Button
-10pts Kimi Raikkonen
-10pts Me

Constructor's Championship Standings

10pts Renault
8pts Minardi
3pts Williams
2pts McLaren
1pt Sauber
0pts Jordan/Midland
-1pt Red Bull
-2pts BAR
-8pts Toyota
-10pts Ferrari

February 25, 2005


On Tuesday the big cheese, the head honcho, the main main, da man, Union President himself, Simon Lucas personally came round to our Hurst flat to spray WD40 on the squeeky doors. What a legend! I was so impressed that I made a cartoon charting what might or might not have been the actual events:

But I didn't stop there! Such being my new found enthusiasm for the Union I made another cartoon, this one about Carly Braddock, the saviour of students from evil bus companies:

Please Note:

  • Simon Lucas may or may not be able to appear in a cloud of smoke
  • Buses are evil, but probably won't try to kill you
  • I don't know Carly Braddock. She might not go around wishing more things were pink (but I'd quite like to imagine that she does)
  • Jade Goody is evil
  • I've said this before, but it bears repeating: Do not look out of the window at Gibbet Hill Road for inspiration - all you see is buses

February 22, 2005

Students develop gambling problems

Students at the University of Warwick have become hardened gamblers of the course of last weekend. The situation takes root in an advertising campaign by a "text" gambling service who will remain un-named. Beer-mat shaped fliers for the company arrived in students' halls of residence on Friday afternoon, since then many have been unable to control the urge to waste their student loan on lottery tickets, in a bookmakers and in extreme cases flying to las Vegas casinoes.

Anti-gambling campaigners are disgusted by this highly inethical advertising drive. A representative of an anti-gambling group had this to say, "We honestly don't see how this could happen, surely the university ought to be protecting students from such exploitative marketing. Surely they know that students can't resist anything that comes in the shape of a beer-mat. The advertisements should never have been allowed onto campus."

A student from Jack Martin was forced to eat his own leg after he spent all his money on the service and couldn't afford to go to tesco. This is a situation many see as a sign that no one is safe – if someone from Jack Martin can run out of money, the reasoning is that anyone can. This is excepting students from Arthur Vick, many of whom have shares in the company.

Some students have had to resort to illegal measures in an attempt to raise money to fuel their addiction. A number of female students turned to prostitution on Saturday as a source of income. Unfortunately for them they were unsuccessful, an anonymous campus whore explains, "We were stood outside the union at 1 o' clock in the morning hoping to get some trade, but no one was interested, they didn't want to pay when they could get the same treatment for free at Skool Dayz."

It is hoped that campus will return to normal over the coming weeks. Research shows that students can't concentrate on one thing for more than a few days, so the gambling obsession should slowly disappear. However students should try to only use beer mats featuring drinks companies to avoid being subconsciously drawn to a dangerous self-destructive addiction.

February 20, 2005

Juggling Rocks!

February 15, 2005


In a shocking discovery an anonymous scientist has found that Club Ming helps a person's chances of pulling. He made this discovery by observing students at one of Leamington Club Mirage's "kinda mediocre, but most people are so drunk it doesn't matter" events.

It is believed that the probability of someone getting to have sex on any given night is given by an explicit formula, one of the key factors in this being the amount of Club Ming on that person.

P(Normal person having sex)=3(pi)ME

P(Person called Mike with glasses having sex)=0

Where M is the amount of Club Ming on someone, and E is the number of people they've elbowed in the back on that night.

Ming was introduced to our very own union in 1982 after a group of horny Rootes residents proposed a motion at the AGM. As everyone knows students are all innocent creatures by nature, so the ming factor would explain the behaviour of people at Top Banana. A similar trend followed at all other universities in the country. The government, concerned by this debauchery, ruined public transport. Nothing dampens sexual appetite like a long bus journey.

Editorial note (remove before publication): Stop looking out the window at Gibbet Hill Road for inspiration when creating a blog entry.

This revelation about Ming may concern some people. However student's should remember that you can't get pregnant if:

  • You have sex on a bed made with sheets and not a duvet
  • The man involved uses his mobile phone alot
  • You do it upside down

For those unfamiliar with sex, here is a brief history:

  • Sex, like all evil things, was invented by evil communist scientists in 1963. They aimed to bring the Capitalist world to its knees by distracting financial big-wigs with lots of sex.
  • However it backfired and sex soon caught on. It was brought under government control in 1972.
  • In 1987 after years of trying the government finally found a way of producing babies via sex, previously they were delivered by the stork or in the case of Maths students, by monstrous devil birds. They initially tried making men give birth but this was a disaster as they spent weeks idley playing with their milk enhanced breasts, forgot to eat and ended up dying of starvation.

February 09, 2005

What type of Blogger are you?

1. Why do you blog?
a) Its nice to write stuff down.
b) Can't think of anything better to do.
c) To indoctrinate as many people as possible into submission to my rule, mwahahaha
d) To vent my rage.
e) Because I'm completely insane, heehee!

2. Did you vote in the union elections?
a) Yes I think its really interesting reading all the manifestoes
b) Yeah, bit bored by the amount of blog entries on the topic though.
c) Vote? I tried to win!
d) The elections are a big ego competition for egotistical people with big egos, who want to prove how big their egos are.
e) Yes but only for candidates with funny names.

3. Most of your blog entries contain:
a) Normal stuff, bit like a diary.
b) Snippets of information about funny stuff that actually happened.
c) Stuff about me, me, ME!!!
d) Rants.
e) A load of crap about nothing.

4. Are you going to send a Valentine's card?
a) Yes, to my boy/girlfriend
b) Well maybe, theres this girl/boy I sorta like…
c) Maybe one to myself
d) Its just an excuse for Clinton's to make money. Grrr
e) I'm going to (literally) stick a pin in a random person and send one to them.

5. What do you think of the Union officers?
a) I think they do a good job.
b) They're okay I guess, I don't think it matters that much though.
c) I'd do a much better job
d) Bunch of wxxxxxs
e) There are seven of them

6. How many of the What Kind of xxxxxx are you links have you clicked?
a) None
b) Some of them, its a bit of harmless fun.
c) Which Greek God am I? I'm a god anyway!
d) I found all the people who posted threads on the topic and brutally slaughtered them.
e) All of them, but I thought dragons were real anyway.

7. What do you think of this entry?
a) I'm not even reading it (???)
b) It's a bit lame
c) Not as good as mine
d) You loser, its crap! I'm going to kill you for it.
e) Yes

8. Have you seen Lord of the Rings?
a) No
b) Yeah, who hasn't?
c) I think I should get the One Ring
d) The wrong side won
e) I'm an elf

9. Have you looked at the "If you answered" bit yet?
a) Well I don't really care anyway
b) No, that would be weird
c) Yes I want to make sure I get the best profile
d) No you fxxxwit, why would I do that, like I fxxxing care anyway?
e) I'll have two bananas please

10. How would you like people to view your blog?
a) Well I only really write if for me and few friends to read.
b) I'd like to think people enjoy it
c) They must love it, I'm the best, you all suck!
d) I want them to be scared
e) I want them to have me committed.

If you answered:

Mostly a) Anti-blogger: Why are you here? You're much too normal, clearly you don't have any complex psychological trauma, so I don't understand why you blog. Fortunately for you you're probably ten times better looking and much more likely to live a normal happy life than anyone else blogging.

Mostly b) Conventional blogger: You aren't completely round the bend… yet, but if you read too many blogs you might struggle to keep that up. You're the sort of blogger who can interact with other human beings without killing them/scaring them away. Good for you.

Mostly c) Powercrazed Blogger: You think Warwick blogs would be much better if only your blogs were allowed, you want to take over the world.

Mostly d) Angry Blogger: You're so filled with anger and you don't know what to do with it. You want to kill everyone on Warwick Blogs. In fact you want to kill everyone full stop.

Mostly e) (Prentend) Lunatic Blogger: Your blogs of full of random nonsense. You want everyone to think you're a nutter, but reallly you're quite normal and are just attention seeking.

For the record I am (e)

February 06, 2005

Stark scandal: Are sabbatical officers killer robots?

A scandal has emerged today that if true could throw union democracy into disrepute. Reports suggest that as part of her campaign, successful presidential candidate Kat Stark created an army of evil robot replicas of herself. Further from this it has been suggested that other sabbatical officers are in fact robots themselves.

This reporter's attention was drawn to the situation after being contacted by a 3rd year maths student who wished to remain anonymous, "It's been a strange week. Before Tuesday I don't think I'd ever seen Kat Stark in the flesh, however I have now seen her three times", the student was also keen to stress that they weren't all election related sightings. "Oh no, one of the occasions was her giving a speech in a lecture I admit, but the others weren't. I saw her in crash on Friday and today I saw her crossing Gibbet Hill Road."

After contacting a statistician – a process which took three hours, as everytime the statistician opened her mouth I fell asleep – it has been shown at the 99% significance level that this suggests that there are more Kat Starks amonst the Warwick populace than this time last week, leading to the suggestion that she has produced robot clones.

The elections committee have been called upon to carry out an investigation, however they say that there is nothing in the rules to prevent candidates from creating robots to help their campaigns. "There's nothing we can do, if she'd put up a poster ten minutes early we'd have been down on her like a ton of bricks, but she's done nothing wrong here, really."

The "We're Really Paranoid about Killer Robots and Stuff" society has been warning students about the possibility that Sabbatical officers are in someway connected wiith robots for some time now. "We've had concerns for a while," says society president Sobby Sprinkler "Simon Lucas's hair always looks a little too perfect for our liking, we can't believe that it's human hair. We've done experiments with spiking other people's hair and it always seems to go floppy, anyone who's seen Douglas Kelley in the union will realise that even the most impressive spikes aren't invincible."

There are also some concerns about some of the other sabbatical officers. There are reports that CDCO Gareth Barker can shoot lightning from his fingers and that Sports Officer Gemma Morris can breathe fire. I met a union spokesperson to discuss the matter. "I can, er… categorically, er… say that the sabbatical officers are all human, er…" he said before whispering to me "They'll kill me if I don't defend them! Please help me, I can't escape from union nor…" just then two bolts of lightning struck him and he collapsed on the floor dead. I looked to see where they had come from only to see a door closing behind a cloud of smoke.

Really Paranoid have begun investigations into who might be building the robots. Their first suspect was Education officer candidate Warren Payne, however they found no evidence. "He was obviously our first suspect, everyone knows that people who build robots are all called Warren, but we are now fairly sure he has nothing to do with it. I mean why would he build robots for Kat Stark but not himself? That would just be insane!"

Students are warned to be careful should they see a sabbatical officer, especially if they are part of a Mafia – the collective noun for Sabbatical Officers – as it is thought that their powers multiply when two or more are within a few feet of each other. This reporter would like to say that he thinks the reports are nonsense and that the sabbatical officers do a wonderful job.

Editorial Note - Remove before publication: Heh (nervous laughter), that last sentence should mean they won't try and kill me in my sleep, phew.

February 05, 2005

Guide to sending a Valentine's Day Card

Its getting close to that time of year again – Valentine's Day. So you think its a time for couples to be extra-sickly and for the single people of the world to hide in their rooms and cry then? Well yeah, you're probably right, but that doesn't mean that everyone shouldn't get in on the act, I mean how would Clinton's get by after Christmas without Valentine's Day? And besides couples stole Valentine's Day from the single people. Damn them! Not that I'm bitter you understand. Anyway for anyone whose not sure how to send a card, here's what you do:

Step 1: Find someone you'd like to send a card to. This is important, as without it you won't get very far. Send one to anyone who springs to mind even if its just the boy/girl you see on the bus and think's kinda cute. Though ideally it will be someone you are attracted to, do not send cards to people you don't like as this can be misleading.

Step 2: Selecting a card. Unfortunately most cards in the shops have lots of stuff about love in them. If you're sending a card to someone you don't know too well its probably best to avoid these as they might think you're a bit forward. The other theme that's quite popular is along the lines of "I'm crazy about you", generally these are sociallly acceptable, but be careful. To you it may seem like its saying "You're pretty cool and stuff", but to the recipient it could sound like "I'm completely out of my tree and will steal your favourite teddy bear and tear its head off if you don't go out with me". Under no circumstances send cards which give this impression.

Step 3: Writing the card. Address the card to the person you want to send it to. Other than that the choice of words is practically endless, though try and stay relevant, you won't win them over by writing an essay on the American civil war. Poetry can be fun. If you get carried away and end up writing your name, do not use Tip-Ex as this ruins the effect, get a new card and stop being a muppet. Perhaps give a subtle clue as to who you are, but try to avoid using the enigma code. Note to Computer Scientists: writing your name in binary might seem hilarious but it won't impress anyone.

Step4: Sending the card. If you know the person's address then you won't have any trouble, though be careful of being spotted. Failing this departmental pigeon holes can serve this purpose – they sure as hell don't have any other particular use. If neither of these options are viable then you could try getting a friend to give them the card, or alternatively put on a balaclava, run up to them, throw the card in their face and run away.

Step 5: What happens next. Assuming you avoid the potential pitfalls (sending a card to someone you don't like, giving the impression you're certifiably insane, binary, balaclavas) then the person will probably be happy to have received the card. Try to avoid the temptation of running up to them and asking if they liked the card. If they ask you about it, just be cool and do NOT say "Yes it was me, I love you, I love you, I love you!"

On gifts: People like gifts, In this situation teddy bears are a good thing, though do not decapitate them first. Roses are also popular, but don't steal them from someones garden as they'll probably have thorns on and make their recipient bleed. Do not give money; this causes offense.

February 03, 2005

My all time top five…

3 out of 5 stars

Okay, my all time top five favourite books that made me laugh, in the order I read them, are:

  1. Judy Blume – Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
  2. Perry McCarthy – Flat Out, Flat Broke: Formula 1 the Hard Way
  3. JK Rowling – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (c'mon, the stuff about the Yule Ball's absolutely hilarious)
  4. Tim Moore – French Revolutions: Cycling the Tour de France
  5. Nick Hornby – High Fidelity

For anyone who hasn't even seen the film, High Fidelity is about Rob: recently split from his girlfriend – Laura . The story centres on how he copes with Laura leaving him and tries to figure out why his love life always leads him to rejection.

Its a brilliantly funny book that literally makes you laugh out loud. The rejections Hornby creates for Rob are universal, inspite of his flaws I challenge anyone to not find sympathy with him somewhere.

The true strength of the book, as with just about everything Hornby writes, is that it draws you in and you feel like you're friends with the main character. Its a bit like reading a letter, which makes it very pleasureable and easy to read.

Where the book lacks a little is towards the end when the pace slows down. If like me you've seen the film then the start is hard work, largely because you're waiting for the introduction of Barry (Jack Black's character in the film), but after that the book goes at a relentless pace, it's completely breathless. Unfortunately the momentum wanes slightly towards the end, and the book sort of disappears into nothing.

Nevertheless it's well worth reading. It won't challenge you in your thoughts about life and love, but it's great as a book to relax with after a long day's lectures. What's more is that it's nice to read about someone who's in their mid-thirties and miserable, it makes the pains of being twenty-one seem like a walk in the park!

February 2005

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