All entries for January 2005
January 30, 2005
HustlingsI just heard that its hustlings on Monday and Tuesday. As far as I can work out this is where the candidates in the union's sabbatical elections hustle the electorate out their hard earned money (it is too, those damn student loan forms are way too complicated). I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I think they plan to stand up in front of everyone looking really dopey. They have friends in the crowd who then offer odds on which one will fall over first from sheer stupidity. People bet alot of money, but of course the candidates were faking it all along and aren't totally useless so they don't fall over, meaning no one wins any money from the bets. It's the oldest trick in the book. So if you go along to the union on Monday and Tuesday and see a load of people on stage looking foolish, don't worry about who's going to run the union, they're only pretending.
January 28, 2005
Hat election deemed a success
Follow-up to The Hat Dilema from Bloggle
Yesterday I asked for help deciding the colour of my hat, it has been unanimously voted as being purple (with black stripes). Here is a picture of me wearing the hat:
Isn't that lovely?
Given the success of this vote, and the union's messy attempts at democracy perhaps they should take notes based on the hat vote's success:
1. Stop having general meetings, just use Warwick Blogs.
2. Only ever vote on things to do with hats.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank those who voted on my hat.
January 27, 2005
The Hat Dilema
I need help in deciding something. I bought a hat in the union, thinking that it was blue and black striped. However it has been pointed out to me that perhaps it's more pink than blue (shock horror). Being colour blind I can't quite be sure, and I admit under different lighting it doesn't look as blue as in the marketplace. In order to assign a colour to this hat, I ask for the help of you, the Warwick bloggers – by far the most intelligent people at the university. Please give me your opinions! Many thanks. The Hat:
January 26, 2005
Extreme Warning: Beware ID cards
University ID cards are rumoured to contain behaviour modification chips, meaning that their holders can be influenced into acting as instructed by some central body. The university was originally blamed but as things stand there is no evidence that indites them.
The chips were first suspected by Professor Nickety Nick Nickot of Warwick's Behaviour alteration department. "For a long time I have wondered why students chose to spend money in university outlets such as Bar Food or Library Cafe, they're so expensive for the amount of food available." From here he began to wonder if something was controlling the students' behaviour patterns. His first thought was water contamination, but he soon ruled out the idea "Well it couldn't be the water, its already so full of fluoride and strains of right wing politics, there really isn't room for anything else."
However in a stroke of good fortune Nickot's friend Professor Tom Tynold of the psychology department was investigating the high number of students who suffered from what is technically known as "Going into a room for some reason, but once you get there forgetting why it was you went in." After discussing each other's work over dinner they pondered upon a link between the two topics. Tynold takes up the story, "Many students choose to walk through the Arts Centre on their way to the bus stop or their halls of residence. Our studies showed that whilst in there they forget why they went in, but until I spoke to Nickety I didn't suspect anything sinister."
Once the ideas merged it became clear that indeed something sinister was going on, "We did some more research and found that those students forgetting why they were in the Arts Centre assumed they'd gone in there to get a cup of coffee or a snack, something no rational minded person would ever do." says Tynold. This was followed up by researching the Library Cafe and Bar Food, which gave similar results.
Whilst the possibility of a capitalist conspiracy is disturbing enough, it is feared that the cards have other affects too, which are thought may explain the alarming amounts of student apathy and the disproportionately high number of extreme right wing articles appearing in The Boar.
"We're quite concerned" says Tynold, "It would explain alot though, well meaning students who plan to take a stand often find themselves somehow unable to get out of bed in the mornings." One extreme case saw a whole corridor of first years in Rootes unable to get out of bed for a whole week. The corridor below just thought they'd got really drunk and were suffering from the ultimate collective hangover. However it turns out that they were planning on protesting about the lack of on campus recycling facilities, which after becoming bed struck they were unable to do.
Nickot is now working on a way to disarm the cards if indeed they are responsible, but for now his advice is that all students should minimise contact with them, he does not reccomend melting them, if indeed it is possible to do so. "It's quite possible that the cards, or whoever is controlling them, will not allow that to happen. We've had trial runs, but students attempting to melt them have suddenly found themselves unable to light a match." It is worth stressing that evidence currently is slightly tenuous so students should not concern themselves too much, however they should be cautious about overusing the cards.
January 25, 2005
That Warwick Blogs ThingDid it. Thought it. Blogged it. F***ed off.
January 24, 2005
University in name change
The University of Warwick is set be renamed as the University of the South Farthing [of the Shire]. The move comes after high ranking movie officials took a walk near the lakes on the way to Gibbet Hill. After performing a survey of the land they discovered that the area is in fact an exact replica of Hobbiton as used in their little known film "The Lord of the Rings", something they considered a breach of copyright laws. They also found a number of other irregularities. Initially it was thought the University might be sued, but a comprimise was reached whereby the university could continue as it is but with some minor alterations.
The name change is the most immediate and will take affect in time for the start of the next academic year. Aside from this, University House will become known as Barad-Dur, security will be called the Rohirrin and ride on horseback, Cryfield Pavillion will be called Edoras, Tocil Woods shall become Fangorn Forest and Westwood should be refered to as Mordor. "We could have forgiven the Hobbiton similarity, but after exploring the area further we found that the place is littered with copies of places from our film. Those residences, Rootes, they're so white, its such a rip off of Minas Tirith – the white city," says film spokesperson Jabby Proudfoot.
The university has assured students that this will not cause them any major problems. "We've had many orcs coming into Barad-Dur concerned with how this may affect their studies, but really it doesn't make much difference." said the Mouth of Sauron. When asked if orcs was the new name for students, he said "No, we've always called them that."
As part of this raft of changes, a number of new courses shall be offered: History of the One Ring, The Smoking of Pipeweed and Very, very, very long Film Studies. Also, freshers will be forced to live underground in holes, however this was a planned move anyway and has nothing to do with the other changes. The university is keen to stress that students must not take advantage of the alterations, any student caught smoking "Old Toby" in their halls of residence will not be allowed to live on campus and will have to fight for survival in the Misty Mountains.
Students are divided over the move. "I'm delighted" says Third Year Mark Shrubbery, "At last I can attack people who spill purple on me in the union. I bought a sword before coming here not realising that sort of thing wasn't allowed." Polly Yetinewt disagrees, "Its not the direction the university should be going in, they now have to accept Uruk Hai if they meet the entry conditions, its going to cause all sorts of problems with such aggressive people here. Every night at the union is going to be like Score."
Whether the changes are welcome are not, they look likely to stay. The university has already invested in building a black gate to replace the welcoming blue signs and are placing Fiery cracks in the Koan. Its too late to turn back now, Mellon.
January 23, 2005
Exclusive: The manifesto they tried to ban
One of the candidates for union presidency – Dave Zevige – has had his manifesto removed from the union's website. The election committee described it as "A threat to civilisation as we know it, quite possibly the most abhorent piece of piffle since Jeffrey Archer's Prison Diaries." In order to counteract this undemocratic act I am publishing Zevige's manifesto on my blog:
I am running for Union President because I believe I can do the best job for you, the good students of Warwick. I have much applicable experience:
- I have attended Union Council since my first year. However as I have never been elected they usually call security to "remove me from the premises".
- I am good at getting the root of a problem, when someone in our halls broke the oven and we got fined, I tortured them all until the culprit 'fessed up.
Reforming Union Democracy
Last term's referendum didn't go far enough, to quote one of the great thinkers of our time, "When will people learn? Democracy just doesn't work." I propose that all power should be handed to the sabbatical officers, who can rule the university with a reign of terror. If elected president I will make the following changes to the sabbatical roles:
- We will have a Re-education Officer in place of the current role of Education Officer. This is to ensure that any dissenters will not threaten our supremacy.
- Welfare and Equal Opportunities will be replaced by Warfare and Unequal Opportunities. Warwick ranks highly in university league tables, yet the emphasis remains on Oxford and Cambridge. This can be changed by hoping our university overtakes them, or we can take matters into our own hands and declare war on Oxbridge and crush them. Their puny punting boats would be no match for a fleet of mighty warships.
- Finance and Internal Affairs, will become Finance and Personal Gain. I intend to give myself and the other sabbatical officers a huge pay-rise.
- In place of a CDCO we will have a Propaganda Minister. This is to manipulate apathetic students into believing that any money they spend in the union goes back to them, rather than simply lining our pockets after the pay-rise.
- Warwick has a vast array of sports clubs, resulting in the average fitness level being 50% higher than the national average for students. This won't do at all, fit and healthy students pose a greater threat to the Sabbaticals totalitarian power. I propose we have a Blood Sports Officer. It will mean less students partaking in strenuous activity, solving the fitness problem. All you fox lovers out there don't worry though, we will be hunting maths students, its not like anyone likes them anyway.
- What the union currently lacks is a good torture chamber, I will build one and responsibility for torture will rest with the new position of Societies and Student Dismemberment Officer.
- Banning all students whose surname begins with a G, H, or D from the union and all societies and sports clubs. I've done some research and found the union's filing cabinet only has twenty-three slots. To combat this problem we must effectively reduce the alphabet to twenty-three letters. The only alternative is to purchase a new filing cabinet stretching already thin union resources.
- Pressure the university into giving the library more funding as it desparately lacks books on guerilla warfare.
Please only vote in the elections if you intend to vote for me, otherwise its just not worth it.
January 21, 2005
Probably not the best entry everDoes anyone else think it's ironic that Carlsberg would probably make the best banks, holidays, etc… but the one thing they do make – lager – they're really crap at?
January 19, 2005
Mistake made at the Boar
Whilst in Union North this week I overheard a conversation between high-ranking boar officials. It would seem that a mistake was made and the wrong article was published on the front page this week. In the middle of the night I broke in to the Boar office and stole a copy of the intended article. In the interests of truth, here is what I found:
China article provokes widespread outrage
Backlash against Boar sweeps across campus leaving student's body divided and tendons severed
The Warwick Boar has come under fire after an experiment last week in printing the paper on plates, teacups and other crockery turned to disaster. Twenty-three students were rushed to hospital in Coventry after injuring themselves because of the offending items. All are now recovering, but the Boar continues to suffer from the backlash.
The experiment was the brainchild of editor – and eco-warrior – Rachael Editorson. Editorson was concerned about the effect on the environment student newspapers were having. "It's not like anyone really cares what we write anyway" she claims, "I was worried that it was all just a big waste of paper, so thought we should try to use other materials to print on".
Noble though her intentions may have been, needless to say the twenty-three students who ended up in hospital think the idea was a mistake. Jessica Jessjess was one of the injured students. Whilst attempting to read a soup bowl it slipped from her hands and broke on the floor. She then tried to pick it up and piece together the fragments, unfortunately she was unable to do so and burst a blood vessel in her frustration. "I guess I was silly to try, I was useless at jigsaws when I was a child so I should have just given up. Even so I think the idea was crucially flawed, my ineptitude at jigsaws was never a problem with paper copies of the boar."
In a high-profile incident, Warwick's BUSA tiddly-winks champion Sid Littleyellowbutton hurt his tiddlying thumb, it is hoped that he will recover in time to defend his championship in April. Other injuries included deep cuts from broken plates, cups and other assorted china. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, had to have his right arm amputated after it became infected with pasta sauce. Someone had been eating off his boar prior to him reading it.
Both the student’s union and the university have also condemned the experiment. The ubiquitous university spokesperson had this to say, "We take the injury of students very seriously indeed. If the Boar had wanted to injure students they should have filled in the appropriate form and returned it to university house." Meanwhile the union issued this statement, "We are against bad things happening."
The student body at large supports such views. Second year Histrionics student Alice McLaffalot was reading an article in a tea pot when to her annoyance she found she could not finish it because the ending was in the spout, "I think they should go back to printing on paper" she said, "I missed finding out the ending to an article on student housing, now I don't know what to do and am living on the streets."
This week sees at least a temporary return to paper editions of the boar, though its editor has not made clear whether this will be permanent, "I'd quite like to experiment with using other items, possibly we will raid landfill sites and just print on any junk that we find. I think it’s a shame that people are so narrow-minded to think that newspapers must only be made of paper, what are a few injured students compared to the problems with the environment?" Whilst the outspoken editor may be a fan of such innovation it is thought that most students will be glad to be able to read from a paper. I would like to take this opportunity to wish the injured students a speedy recovery.
January 18, 2005
With pretentious poetry like this I could be an Arts student
Not that I'm bothered.