Mistake made at the Boar
Whilst in Union North this week I overheard a conversation between high-ranking boar officials. It would seem that a mistake was made and the wrong article was published on the front page this week. In the middle of the night I broke in to the Boar office and stole a copy of the intended article. In the interests of truth, here is what I found:
China article provokes widespread outrage
Backlash against Boar sweeps across campus leaving student's body divided and tendons severed
The Warwick Boar has come under fire after an experiment last week in printing the paper on plates, teacups and other crockery turned to disaster. Twenty-three students were rushed to hospital in Coventry after injuring themselves because of the offending items. All are now recovering, but the Boar continues to suffer from the backlash.
The experiment was the brainchild of editor – and eco-warrior – Rachael Editorson. Editorson was concerned about the effect on the environment student newspapers were having. "It's not like anyone really cares what we write anyway" she claims, "I was worried that it was all just a big waste of paper, so thought we should try to use other materials to print on".
Noble though her intentions may have been, needless to say the twenty-three students who ended up in hospital think the idea was a mistake. Jessica Jessjess was one of the injured students. Whilst attempting to read a soup bowl it slipped from her hands and broke on the floor. She then tried to pick it up and piece together the fragments, unfortunately she was unable to do so and burst a blood vessel in her frustration. "I guess I was silly to try, I was useless at jigsaws when I was a child so I should have just given up. Even so I think the idea was crucially flawed, my ineptitude at jigsaws was never a problem with paper copies of the boar."
In a high-profile incident, Warwick's BUSA tiddly-winks champion Sid Littleyellowbutton hurt his tiddlying thumb, it is hoped that he will recover in time to defend his championship in April. Other injuries included deep cuts from broken plates, cups and other assorted china. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, had to have his right arm amputated after it became infected with pasta sauce. Someone had been eating off his boar prior to him reading it.
Both the student’s union and the university have also condemned the experiment. The ubiquitous university spokesperson had this to say, "We take the injury of students very seriously indeed. If the Boar had wanted to injure students they should have filled in the appropriate form and returned it to university house." Meanwhile the union issued this statement, "We are against bad things happening."
The student body at large supports such views. Second year Histrionics student Alice McLaffalot was reading an article in a tea pot when to her annoyance she found she could not finish it because the ending was in the spout, "I think they should go back to printing on paper" she said, "I missed finding out the ending to an article on student housing, now I don't know what to do and am living on the streets."
This week sees at least a temporary return to paper editions of the boar, though its editor has not made clear whether this will be permanent, "I'd quite like to experiment with using other items, possibly we will raid landfill sites and just print on any junk that we find. I think it’s a shame that people are so narrow-minded to think that newspapers must only be made of paper, what are a few injured students compared to the problems with the environment?" Whilst the outspoken editor may be a fan of such innovation it is thought that most students will be glad to be able to read from a paper. I would like to take this opportunity to wish the injured students a speedy recovery.