January 16, 2005

Guide to the Laundrette

Sunday morning's mean only one thing for me. Rather than going to church to cleanse my soul I go to the laundrette and clean my clothes. It's a slightly tedious but necessary job, I find its best to get there early before it gets busy. For anyone who's not sure how to use the laundrette this is what you should do:

1)Get everything ready the night before, but make sure you forget at least one item otherwise its no fun.

2)Forget to set your alarm and lie in well past when you intended, grumble something about the alarm turning itself off again.

3)Go to the kitchen and have breakfast whilst wondering why no one else seems to be up, its Sunday morning where can they be? Wash up but leave your tea towel behind so that it never gets cleaned and ends up all crusty.

4)Shower, brush your teeth, shave, put on make-up or whatever else you need to do in the morning to make yourself look pretty, I find a paper bag helps best on Sundays.

5)Set off for the laundrette, get halfway there and remember you left your money behind.

6) Go back home and pick up wallet, discover you have no twenty pence pieces for the drier. Moan to yourself about the stupid university trying to con us.

7)Head off to the laundrette again, get halfway there and remember you forgot to bring your pyjamas, think "screw it".

8)Get to the laundrette and find an empty machine, put your clothes in, discover that the bit where you put the detergent is all scummy.

9)Take clothes out of machine and put in a different one, after checking the detergent hole.

10)Try to put money into machine – discover it won't take it. Swear and curse under your breath. Aggresively throw your clothes back into your bag and make sure you slam the door to the machine so everyone knows how annoyed you are.

11)Find another machine, check the detergent hole, put your money in first, if everything works put clothes in and select cycle.

12)Leave to laundrette to wait at home, forget to check your watch so you don't know what time to go back for.

13)Go back to the laundrette find your machine and discover it still has 11 mins left. Stand around looking like a pleb.

14)Wait for the requisite 11 mins and then remember you left your bag at home, run home looking rather silly, pick up bag and run back to the laundrette.

15)Separate clothes that can de dried and put in machine, follow a similar procedure to that which meant you had to try three washing machines.

16)Remember the lack of twenty p's, ask sommeone if they have change, they don't and look at you like pondlife for asking, the fact that you're sweating after the run supports this view.

17)Accept defeat and put a pound in the drier, get overexcited with the buttons and set your machine to dry for 70 mins, make a note to yourself to be back after 45 so your clothes don't get cooked.

18)Go home and hang up the washing that won't go in the drier, get distracted and only make it back to the drier after an hour.

19)Take clothes out and put into the bag – if you remembered it this time, good for you. Burn yourself on any metal buttons on your jeans.

20)Go home for the last time with good intentions of folding your clothes immediately so they'll iron easier. Put bag on bed and can't be bothered.

21)Go into the kitchen for lunch, afterwards wash up and find that the only use your tea towel is to unclean your plate, sigh and promise yourself you'll remember it next week.

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