Guide to sending a Valentine's Day Card
Its getting close to that time of year again – Valentine's Day. So you think its a time for couples to be extra-sickly and for the single people of the world to hide in their rooms and cry then? Well yeah, you're probably right, but that doesn't mean that everyone shouldn't get in on the act, I mean how would Clinton's get by after Christmas without Valentine's Day? And besides couples stole Valentine's Day from the single people. Damn them! Not that I'm bitter you understand. Anyway for anyone whose not sure how to send a card, here's what you do:
Step 1: Find someone you'd like to send a card to. This is important, as without it you won't get very far. Send one to anyone who springs to mind even if its just the boy/girl you see on the bus and think's kinda cute. Though ideally it will be someone you are attracted to, do not send cards to people you don't like as this can be misleading.
Step 2: Selecting a card. Unfortunately most cards in the shops have lots of stuff about love in them. If you're sending a card to someone you don't know too well its probably best to avoid these as they might think you're a bit forward. The other theme that's quite popular is along the lines of "I'm crazy about you", generally these are sociallly acceptable, but be careful. To you it may seem like its saying "You're pretty cool and stuff", but to the recipient it could sound like "I'm completely out of my tree and will steal your favourite teddy bear and tear its head off if you don't go out with me". Under no circumstances send cards which give this impression.
Step 3: Writing the card. Address the card to the person you want to send it to. Other than that the choice of words is practically endless, though try and stay relevant, you won't win them over by writing an essay on the American civil war. Poetry can be fun. If you get carried away and end up writing your name, do not use Tip-Ex as this ruins the effect, get a new card and stop being a muppet. Perhaps give a subtle clue as to who you are, but try to avoid using the enigma code. Note to Computer Scientists: writing your name in binary might seem hilarious but it won't impress anyone.
Step4: Sending the card. If you know the person's address then you won't have any trouble, though be careful of being spotted. Failing this departmental pigeon holes can serve this purpose – they sure as hell don't have any other particular use. If neither of these options are viable then you could try getting a friend to give them the card, or alternatively put on a balaclava, run up to them, throw the card in their face and run away.
Step 5: What happens next. Assuming you avoid the potential pitfalls (sending a card to someone you don't like, giving the impression you're certifiably insane, binary, balaclavas) then the person will probably be happy to have received the card. Try to avoid the temptation of running up to them and asking if they liked the card. If they ask you about it, just be cool and do NOT say "Yes it was me, I love you, I love you, I love you!"
On gifts: People like gifts, In this situation teddy bears are a good thing, though do not decapitate them first. Roses are also popular, but don't steal them from someones garden as they'll probably have thorns on and make their recipient bleed. Do not give money; this causes offense.