All entries for Wednesday 27 April 2005

April 27, 2005

Guide to love (2) – Heartbreak

Follow-up to Guide to love (1) – Cupid from Bloggle

As previously discussed Cupid is a terrible shot. So when aiming for a person's heart with an arrow he frequently misses. This is okay, unfortunately he sometimes hits the target but the arrow does not pierce the heart in the correct manner, the result is heartbreak.

A little biology. Many people assume hearts to be red through and through. This is not true. Hearts all appear red on the outside, however this is due to the outer layer consisting of the rubbery stuff they wrap babybels with.

When a heart gets damaged a tough coal like layer forms under the red outer layer, this is the black part of the diagram. However as time passes without damage the edges soften and a soft pink goo fills in between the black and red layers. This happens every time the heart is damaged, so similarly to with trees you can tell how many times someone has been heartbroken by counting rings. At the centre of all hearts is a fire, however if too many layers form around the heart the warmth of the fire ceases to be able to reach the outside – how sad.

There are seven main types of heartbreak:

1. The arrow sails right through: The result is falling madly in love, albeit briefly, with the first person you see. This can be quite embarrassing in the short term as running up to someone on the street, shouting "I love you!" and grabbing a boob or a crotch is generally frowned upon. However this causes no long term damage to the heart.

2. The arrow glances the heart and cuts it: This is initially very painful. The heart becomes very tender and leads to drunken whining along the lines of "Why don't you love me?" *Sob*. Fortunately the affect usually wears off by morning.

3. The arrow hits the heart but bounces off, leaving a bruise: This is a simple Do-you-want-to-go-out-sometime?-No-thanks situation, rather than a Do-you-want-to-go-out-sometime?-Ewww-you-make-me-want-to-shove-my-fingers-down-my-throat-I-have-to-go-take-several-showers-to-get-rid-of-the-grossness-of-being-asked-out-by-you! type scenario. Again there is no long term damage, but you should take care with the heart for a while, because it will be a bit sore.

4. The arrow digs in, but snaps off leaving a fragment in the heart: This can be quite nasty. This happens when you ask someone out and they say yes, but rapidly lose interest. Ultimately it doesn't cause too much damage, buy it's a bit annoying.

5. The arrow tears a chunk off the heart: The hole means that you are susceptable to developing huge crushes based on physical infatuation. If dealt with correctly this isn't a problem, it only becomes so if you leave the wound open to the elements. Most cases of stalking are a result of carelessness in this area.

6. The heart gets mangled: This happens during messy break ups. In this case Cupid got the shot right, unfortunately your chosen love decides to pull the arrow out with the delicacy of an elephant doing decoupage. This causes mass tissue damage and the heart struggles to survive. It's all kinds of painful.

7. Critical Fault: This is the worst. Cupid again is right on target, but unfortunately the arrow snags on something and is yanked out through the top causing a crack. It's circumstances beyong Cupid's your or anyone else control – it's just a bitch. If not treated carefully the heart can break in two and become completely useless. The common response to this eventuality is to go "ow! ow! ow-ee! ow-ee! ow!

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