All entries for Thursday 22 September 2005

September 22, 2005

Turning Left – Human Indicators

We've all been there merrily walking down the street, we come up behind someone walking slower, we try to go past them, but lo! Suddenly they veer right into your path causing you to stop abruptly, bump into them or swerve out of the way into the path of a double decker bus, causing your own death (or at least severe injury) and delaying the traffic resulting in a backlog of congestion in our already overcrowded cities. Many people don't get to work on time having a disasterous effect on the economy, causing hyper inflation giving rise to a hotbed of political extremity and before you know it we have World War 3 on our hands. If only there were some way of avoiding all this unpleasantness.

Well now there is. Mad scientists have invented human indicators. They attach to the back of people through bionics and are wired up to the brain. They sense when a person is about to deviate from their current path and start flashing. The government is highly in favour of the scheme and have moved valuable resources away from pointless things like education and health to fund the project.

There were some initial teething problems. For instance, when male subjects were testing the device issues occured when they walked past lingerie stores. The indicators would start flashing insanely confusing the male's natural urges with a desire to go into the shop. This was very embarrassing so scientists had to fit a "bra-detector" (invented in 1978 in Luxembourg as a way of finding women after the entire female population pretended to be men for a bit of a laugh) to the indicators. If a man with the lights goes past an area densely packed with bras then the indicators will not flash.

Whilst many are delighted with the new invention some sections have raised concerns about mixing human beings with technology. The We're Really paranoid about Killer Robots and Stuff Society (Now with a club at Sheffield Hallam as well as Warwick) fear similar consequences to those produced by Otto Octavious' experiments in Spiderman. "People think that Spiderman 2 was just a film" begins Pru McTractor, president of WRPAKRASS's Hallam branch, "but it could happen. You start fitting indicators to people and who knows where it could end up? The indicators might take over their bodies and drive them to Conservative Party headquarters forcing them to join up. And can you imagine if this indicator rebellion spreads to cars? You'd have people going left at roundabouts but indicating right! Can you imagine?!"

However the financial carrot on offer for perfecting these devices in massive. And since physicists proved in 1836 that money makes the world go round, their presence is inevitable.

September 2005

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