All entries for Sunday 19 June 2005

June 19, 2005

F411 Championship: Round 9 – US Grand Farce

I want to check something. That actually happened, yeah? It's pretty dire. What amazed me most was that Bernie Ecclestone wasn't able to somehow magically make the race happen. I'm not sure how he would have done that but he's little over five foot tall with a stunner (by convention) of a wife so he can make most things come about if he really wants.

I imagine everyone watching felt the same when the cars pitted after the warm up lap. You knew it was about to happen, but somehow you couldn't believe your eyes.

Here's what I'd have done. I've have locked the team principals in a room together, give it an hour or so and then the last one alive would get to choose how to solve the problem, no matter how crazy. Here are some of my own suggestions:

  • Get the drivers to race Porsche supercup cars. I'd love to see the F1 grid racing each other in a one make race. It'd be fascinating to see who'd come out on top.
  • Wheelbarrow race. The drivers have to complete two laps with their teammates, taking it in turns as the wheelbarrow.
  • Unicycle racing.
  • A watching paint dry competition for all the F1 powerbrokers. See how they like it.
  • Put Bernie and Max and Jean Todt (ie. the FIA *chortle, chortle*) and anyone else you care to mention in the stocks.

It almost felt like ITV were on our side for a bit, what with Martin going on about his 8 million mates back in Britain. Cheers Mr Brundle Sir! But then James Allen blew it with his comment about the first people F1 having to please being the sponsors and the manufacturers. Forgetting anyone James? Should we just switch off then? I laughed so hard at that comment, it was probably the highlight of the race.

Oh well, even if F1 couldn't organise a motorrace at the motorracing capital (sic) of the world F411 isn't going to give up. The show must go on!

10pts Second bottle collector guy: I think he had a really good technique. The first guy did okay but he wasn't so precise. The second guy was straight in, a nice turn and out again. It was very impressive. If I ever need to pick up bottles in a professional capacity I'm going to model my approach on his.

8pts Cute Checkout Girl: I was buying my pizza for eating whilst the Grand Prix was on and the checkout girl in Tesco was really pretty. It's scraping the barrel I know, but like I say she was really pretty.

6pts Oddyseus: Gotta give points to someone, and seeing as I'm currently reading the Oddysey it makes sense. Have you ever defeated a cyclops? No? I rest my case. Though seeing how it took him so long to get home I don't think he'd be much good in a race situation. The new Jarno Trulli?

5pts The aforementioned Pizza: It was rather scrummy. It was the Meat Feast if you're interested.

4pts Tom Kristensen: For winning le Mans for the seventh time. Impressive stuff, he actually had to race other cars too.

3pts Richard Hammond's Mum: For indicating on the Top Gear test track when taking a corner. Very funny.

2pts David Coulthard: Maybe the other drivers felt the same way, but good on DC for wanting to race. And he was talking alot of sense (as usual) when Ted Kravitz interviewed him before the race.

1pt Tiago Monteiro: Poor bastard, he gets on the podium and there's noone there to spray champagne on. He was like a little boy sat all on his own with a big cake at his birthday party. He was really determined to make the most of it though. Bless his little cotton socks.

-1 Googolplex pts Michelin: This whole mess could have been avoided if they'd brought suitable tyres.

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