All entries for Sunday 06 February 2005

February 06, 2005

Stark scandal: Are sabbatical officers killer robots?

A scandal has emerged today that if true could throw union democracy into disrepute. Reports suggest that as part of her campaign, successful presidential candidate Kat Stark created an army of evil robot replicas of herself. Further from this it has been suggested that other sabbatical officers are in fact robots themselves.

This reporter's attention was drawn to the situation after being contacted by a 3rd year maths student who wished to remain anonymous, "It's been a strange week. Before Tuesday I don't think I'd ever seen Kat Stark in the flesh, however I have now seen her three times", the student was also keen to stress that they weren't all election related sightings. "Oh no, one of the occasions was her giving a speech in a lecture I admit, but the others weren't. I saw her in crash on Friday and today I saw her crossing Gibbet Hill Road."

After contacting a statistician – a process which took three hours, as everytime the statistician opened her mouth I fell asleep – it has been shown at the 99% significance level that this suggests that there are more Kat Starks amonst the Warwick populace than this time last week, leading to the suggestion that she has produced robot clones.

The elections committee have been called upon to carry out an investigation, however they say that there is nothing in the rules to prevent candidates from creating robots to help their campaigns. "There's nothing we can do, if she'd put up a poster ten minutes early we'd have been down on her like a ton of bricks, but she's done nothing wrong here, really."

The "We're Really Paranoid about Killer Robots and Stuff" society has been warning students about the possibility that Sabbatical officers are in someway connected wiith robots for some time now. "We've had concerns for a while," says society president Sobby Sprinkler "Simon Lucas's hair always looks a little too perfect for our liking, we can't believe that it's human hair. We've done experiments with spiking other people's hair and it always seems to go floppy, anyone who's seen Douglas Kelley in the union will realise that even the most impressive spikes aren't invincible."

There are also some concerns about some of the other sabbatical officers. There are reports that CDCO Gareth Barker can shoot lightning from his fingers and that Sports Officer Gemma Morris can breathe fire. I met a union spokesperson to discuss the matter. "I can, er… categorically, er… say that the sabbatical officers are all human, er…" he said before whispering to me "They'll kill me if I don't defend them! Please help me, I can't escape from union nor…" just then two bolts of lightning struck him and he collapsed on the floor dead. I looked to see where they had come from only to see a door closing behind a cloud of smoke.

Really Paranoid have begun investigations into who might be building the robots. Their first suspect was Education officer candidate Warren Payne, however they found no evidence. "He was obviously our first suspect, everyone knows that people who build robots are all called Warren, but we are now fairly sure he has nothing to do with it. I mean why would he build robots for Kat Stark but not himself? That would just be insane!"

Students are warned to be careful should they see a sabbatical officer, especially if they are part of a Mafia – the collective noun for Sabbatical Officers – as it is thought that their powers multiply when two or more are within a few feet of each other. This reporter would like to say that he thinks the reports are nonsense and that the sabbatical officers do a wonderful job.

Editorial Note - Remove before publication: Heh (nervous laughter), that last sentence should mean they won't try and kill me in my sleep, phew.


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