All entries for Saturday 05 August 2006

August 05, 2006

Am I Binging? Alcohol is bad for you shocker

In shocking news reports this week it turns out that alcohol is bad for you. This has long been a view held by readers of the Daily Mail, however the rest of the population was in ignorance until a paper was published on the topic.

Dr. Mary Beer headed up the research team who spent many hours sitting in pubs drinking beer and eating crisps. Their findings were that Binge Drinking, the latest craze sweeping the nation, can result in being 'quite drunk'. Research also suggested that sobriety/drunkeness is a binary state – you're either drunk or not. This contradicts previous thinking that a person would get gradually more and more drunk as they polished of increasing numbersof alcoholic beverages. This means that you can feel fine one minute but the next you could be dressed like rambo and singing Dolly Parton on the karaoke machine.

Alarmingly, many people don't know what constitutes a binge. Responses to a survey caried out at B&Q varied from 'one pint of beer and a packet of peanuts' to 'a hammer, five nails and a plank of wood'. Accepted wisdom has it that four pints is a binge for a man whereas three is enough for a woman. In truth it is much more complicated than this with factors such as the amount the person has eaten, whether or not it is a full moon and the proximity of the individual to Salisbury cathedral all playing and important role. Indeed the lack of knowledge about bingeing is such that you could yourself be on a binge right now and not even know it.

Alcohol effects different people in different ways, some become friendly and outgoing whereas others become violent or develop an irrational attraction to the barmaid. More recently there have been numerous cases of people spontaneously turning into Tom Cruise – no explanation has yet been provided for this. Also kebabs become a desirable food–stuff. Recently a man from Bury tried eating a kebab whilst sober and was immediately rushed to hospital where he remains in intensive care.

As a counterpoint there are still scientists who maintain that a glass of wine a day is good for you, unfortunately this is only if you use it as shampoo. To stay safe from binge drinking the News of the World will be publishing pictures of pubs in your area so you don't accidentally walk into one.


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