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March 18, 2006

Five and a bit weeks

The Blame

One reaches a certain point in a degree, the "point of no return", when realisation dawns that although this isn't the subject for you, you've just got to bloody well get on with it because if you don't it brings the failure and the pain and the red hot flailing whips of torment lashing across your SOUL and… Ok… maybe I'm getting a bit carried away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the clever ones jump ship early in the first year and the rest just hope and pray they can swim. Bah… praying… what's God got to do with it anyway? what's with the praying eh? If I pass it was God; If I fail it was me?! No thank you very much. I know exactly whose head the dunce hat/laurels of victory will rest and as such, I will take the blame or glory myself.

Fair is fair tho, and I won't forget it. So when Jesus descends from the heavens veiled in almighty light, don't worry – I won't try to take any of the credit.

M xxx


February 05, 2006

Carbon dating proves nothing

As a scientist I am happy to uphold a well tested theory until such time arrives that proof arises to contradict it, and in doing so develop a more accurate theory. This does mean that every now and then I have to admit I was wrong and adjust my belief system to accommodate this new evidence. It was while researching for my current final year project on evolution that I stumbled across such a piece of mind blowing evidence that shattered a belief I had held for years.

I now maintain that clowns are not the scariest thing I have ever seen.

They are now a close second to creationist websites.


January 19, 2006

A thought

A quute that I remember from some time ago

"I wish I'd known that at 20 I'd be everything I hated myself for not being at 15." - anon

The only problem with this being that now I'm 20, I want to be somebody else entirely.

:|


January 15, 2006

And they called it "The Black Ts'Ohck

Follow-up to Pants. from Something Random

…Destroyer of Laundry.

NOOOOOooooo! Not again...
*weeps*


January 09, 2006

Motivational Calendar – January

For those of you who don't have one, you can share mine. I think if I had to put up with it by myself it would kill me. These are the most depressing "motivational quotes I have ever heard in my life. Seriously, take a good look and think about each one. Just what about "If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." makes anyone want to be productive? BOCTAOE namely ummmm maybe the 20th? You will also notice that sundays have no quote. They share the same quote as saturday. Obviously the people who compiled this calendar deemed that the weekend is not important enough to merit two whole quotes. What kind of a world is this where the weekend is ignored?!

Here they are in their full, textual (and occasionally rhyming) glory.

  1. Great art picks up where nature ends.
  2. Be happy while you're living, you're a long time dead.
  3. You don't get harmony when everyone sings the same note.
  4. Children are the message we send to a time we will not see.
  5. Whether you think you can or you can't - you are right. note to self: don't feel depressed today or you're screwed
  6. The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. whoa thanks, I almost thought for myself there...
  7. Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed.
  8. -.
  9. Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
  10. Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed.
  11. Dreams are only thoughts you didn't have time to think about during the day. get your nightmares out of the way by thinking about them all day.
  12. Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
  13. Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more.
  14. Experience is a comb that nature gives us when we are bald.
  15. -.
  16. If you're doing your best you won't have time to worry about failure.
  17. Faith is like a radar that sees through fog. faith is a radar that picks up invisible objects in broad daylight.
  18. I don't care how poor a man is; If he has family, he's rich.
  19. Forgiveness is a funny thing, it warms the heart and cools the sting.
  20. Friendship isn't a big thing - It's a million little things.
  21. If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. no shit sherlock. what would you care anyway, it's not like you had a destination in mind.
  22. -.
  23. A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
  24. If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time. Have no goals and you may achieve it. Sorry, why am I at uni again?
  25. A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.
  26. Gratitude is the memory of the heart.
  27. Happiness is never stopping to think you are.
  28. Nothing is more fatal to health than an over care of it. clearly
  29. -.
  30. In about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy. hello, my name is Earl.
  31. You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

I hope this list was as intriguingly useless to you as it was to me. Tune in next month for such wonderful delights as: "Don't try to be different. Just be good. Good is different enough."
*bangs head against wall*
Ow.
Enough.

M xxx

If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time.
Good God... :s


Chilled

Some days I feel like this:

Today does not appear to be one of those days.
Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. Not even I want to hear me complain.
Yes it's all my fault.
No that doesn't make me feel better. And now my feet are going numb. STFAGOS. Bed.
Losing it.
Big time.
Thank heavens for private entries.
Please let it go away.


January 04, 2006

Christmas letters. Bah humbug…

Or rather "Christmas Essays". I find it hard to put into words the hatred they summon from me.

Does everyone receive those annual family newsletters from distant friends and relatives, like my family does? Each year without fail half a dozen of these smug, self righteous, "my children are so wonderful" letters grace our doormat. In big fat envelopes that fill you with dread. Because as soon as you hear the thunk of it falling through the letterbox you can picture it in you mind's eye sitting, waiting, congealing in it's own superfluous happiness. And then you have to open it, read it and sit there afterwards basking in your apparent mediocrity. After all, you didn't live rough in some distant needy land building a hospital with your bare hands so poor starving children could have their eyes operated on and see again. And after your 14 hour shift of digging and bricklaying, use your spare time to start a highly successfull multi-million dollar empire via online share trading before catching a few hours of sleep and starting all over again. And somehow despite being thousands of miles away, with your superhuman powers you managed to run a household and raise the kids and prepare the online shopping for them and win the lottery all at the same time. (The lottery win all went to charity too of course…)

Quite frankly I've had enough. I feel lazy and stupid enough already without the help of you wannabe Ghandis. Why do you even think I want to know that your pet rabbit just got an OBE for bravery? Why people, why?!

So next year this is what you've got to look forward to. Yep, all you re-offenders here's a small preview of the 10 page document that will be denting your doormat next christmas. Enjoy.

Dear Mr/Mrs …............. and family
Yes it's that time of the year again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from us to all of you! And for the first time I am happy to present our annual family newsletter, our yearly epistle to let you know what we've all been up to in the last twelve action-packed months!!!
Firstly I have to start with introducing you to the newest members of our family, Bob and Jeff the rabbits have a new best friend in timbu the tiger cub we adopted from a sanctuary – it's an unusual situation, but since we saved his life from poachers last year he grew quite atttached. Thankfully it ties in quite nicely with little Jimmy graduating from his part-time lion taming classes!! Secondly we also welcomed chichi the hamster into our home, who within a week of his arrival saved us from terrorist burgulars by biting through the bars of his cage and attacking them while Chris the bushbaby alerted the FBI by tapping out the situation over the phone in morse code. Needless to say it was organic treats all round when we got home from our fundraiser and discovered three head members of Al Quaida cornered in the lounge by a rabbit. Oh how we all laughed!
Last but not least, march saw the arrival of our little bundle of joy Maeyhree (pronounced "Jim"). She's quite a handful and already troublesome at only nine months! Just the other day when we thought she was reading through her Mr Men collection, she managed to stack all her early learning books next to the computer desk, crawl up and hack into the US Pentagon's top security website. Whatever next eh?
The other members of the family are also doing very well. More about Fionnuahlaha later but younger members sure kept busy too! Jack just completed two full time degrees simultaneously, scoring firsts in both Neuroscience and Quantum physics, while Martha played the piano before several world leaders before pointing out how to achieve world peace via a simple method they had overlooked. We are very proud of them both.
As for my darling Steve and I, after helping to bring aid to the boxing day tsunami survivors, we spent the first part of the year on a luxury cruise taking in the glory of the arctic then the tropics before a brief stop in New York, What amazing memories, we'll treasure them forever. and on our return commemorated it with a scrapbook that you're all welcome to take a peek at!!!
June brought us the biggest celebration of the year with Fionnuahlaha and Ollie's wedding! We were all flown to a five star hotel in Dubai for the week-long celebration – After all, it's not every day that your family marries into royalty! But with a large successful business empire of her own I'd say our Fi is quite a catch!
While Steve ran everything for her during their honeymoon I busied myself on my comittees – mainly the local PTA and newly instigated "Neighbourhood Love" comittee. Our huge fundraiser was endorsed by so many major celebrities that I was in a starstruck daze for most of the evening! (some photos are overleaf, Mr Clooney was *such* a darling!!)
Well that's all Ive got time for at the moment but I'm sure I'll ring you later to smugly gloat at you down the phone, got to hurry so I'll have time to give blood then send this letter before the last post, oh what busy lives we lead!
And with any luck next year's letter will come from mount Kilimanjaro that the whole family will be climbing to raise money for goatless Somalian orphans. I just hope they make boots in Maeyhree's size!!!!
Wishing you love and success for the coming year,
The ….......... family.
Up yours you goddamn smug bastards.
xXxXxXx

*sigh*

Maybe a few days late, but yes I think that covers it all quite nicely.

Hope everyone had a happy holiday*
* you exceptions know who you are...

big love,

M xxx


October 29, 2005

Pants.

Oh goddamnit!!

All of my white items have come out of the wash grey! Nooooo!!!! I'm never going to hear the end of this once my mother finds out. Ever.

Still, I think I would have preferred the stereotypical pink…

Gaahhhhhrrrrggghhh!

Edit: Oooops.... i've just found someone elses white grey sock in with all my stuff.

I can't believe this, of all the things to go wrong it had to be bloody grey. I don't even know who the culprit is. There will be an inquisition...


If Only I Liked Yellow.

Everyone elses is more green...
Life:
5
Mind:
4.1
Body:
6.6
Spirit:
5
Friends/Family:
4.1
Love:
0
Finance:
4.5
Propagate this Meme!

October 25, 2005

Ok, so you want a punchline?

Follow-up to Development Essay 1 Resources from Something Random

An Englishman, and Irishman and a half-Spanish blogger all have to hand their development essays by 2pm on tuesday the 25th of october 2005…

The Englishman has his finished and doublechecked by his tutor by the previous wednesday, strolls onto campus tuesday morning, hands it in and then goes for a big cholo breakfast with his mates.

The Irishman just about finishes it the night before, is forced to cycle onto campus in the rain but manages to hand it in 3 minutes and 27 seconds before the deadline.

The half-Spanish blogger screams at her computer than goes to bed, wakes up at 5am and smashes her alarmclock with the heel of a shoe then proceeds to swear at God, herself, her computer monitor and her empty teacup before resorting to half an hour of primal scream therapy. After waking all 5 of her housemates she breaks down into tears and manic depression and throws the keyboard against the wall permanently damaging the F5 key and a small section of desk. With the keyboard now temporarily out of action she resorts to throwing another shoe. The shoe bounces in a wholly unsatisfactory manner and elicits another scream. Housemate #5 makes a noise that indicates irritation, and blogger hits adjoining wall for good measure.

After a brief pause to catch her breath she fashions a voodoo doll out of socks and declares it to be "Täald"(1), the god of 293-word-essays which she then proceeds to stab. Flashlight interrogation and water torture however, also prove unsuccessful and the essay remains uncompleted. The decorative sheepskin rug on her floor is pulled aside and a rudimentary bonfire is prepared over the pre-existing iron shaped scorch mark with the remenants of wine soaked essay notes. Täald is staked to a biro and told to contemplate the mysteries of life in the few seconds left to him while the cojones curse(2) is recited. A little shoulder devil reminds the half-Spanish blogger that notes although made of wood are unlikely to be too flammable when soaked in wine. She goes through half a dozen matches then is forced to agree. Strapping Täald to her hip with a bandana, she grabs a sharpened bic biro and wades out into the dark hallway to hunt down her furtive essay. Meanwhile her shoulder devil props up the shoulder angel on a chair in some dark recess of her mind, there is a faint odour of chloroform in the air.

She has to be careful, the essay could take almost any form and it has had weeks of practice evading her. Ten minutes later and after much deliberation, she decides that it is not the pot plant, the doorknob or the sofa; nor is it the kettle or the small bag of sugar on the worktop; her analysis of a punnet of cherry tomatoes is inconclusive.

Suddenly there is a knock at the front door. She answers and is faced by a tall thin man. He has very watery eyes and a thin moustache that hovers above slightly skewed lips. She asks if he is her essay. He replies that doesn't recall ever being an essay. The shoulder devil prompts her to poke him. She does, and also throws a teabag at him for good measure lest he be an evil spirit. The strange man takes her to a strange room where they give her tea and mozart. The tea tastes a little funny. She thinks the pictures she draws make the man look a little worried – especially the black one; he doesn't like the black one. This tea is rather strange. All the voices are far away now, they are sinking deep into the soft walls. She falls asleep and thus starts her 20 year journey through mental institutions and the subsequent rehab for dependance on "crazy pills" and a lifelong struggle with mind altering drugs.

hmmmm

Yeah I don't really get the joke either. But I'm pretty sure I've heard it somewhere before…

Oh christwaggons this isn't good...

M xxx

———————

1) It should be mentioned that Täald is also the patron saint of all that shit that creeps into your Ikea shopping trolley when you aren't paying attention only to be discovered as you recover from your Ikea-coma and load everything into the car "WTF?! a shoehorn shaped like a snake and a set of eight novelty placemats shaped like a fornicating octopus?! surely i didn't just pay for all this..."

2) A fearsome spanish curse that involves tying a gods cojones in a knot until a certain offending object is returned to you. In this case it also involves large amounts of warpaint

———————-

p.s. the F5 key doesn't control anything vital does it?


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