All entries for September 2005
September 29, 2005
descriptive of the contents and author
Although it was going to be called "My Fucking Muffin" in memory of the wonderful day our kitchen realised we had corrupted Jen beyond all possible salvation. It had taken us 2 terms. We were oh so proud.
Disclaimer: Hundreds of muffins were harmed in the making of this blog. Biscuits were tortured. Crumbs have been shed. A few croissants had some close calls. Jaffa cakes escaped completely. Hobnobs suffered a massacre. It's all their fault for being so tasty. It's ok though, The Flying Spaghetti Monster has absolved my confectionary crimes.
September 28, 2005
Well, with the “resits” of yesterday out of the way I am slowly but surely returning to a “normal”(i.e. crazy) state of mind and promise to be a lot more interesting than I was last week. *promises*
Back in The Bubble.
And suddenly there are new faces everywhere, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Running here and there sporting eager expressions; scurrying around with handfuls of nuts and running up trees. (maybe putting on makeup while they’re up there) or possibly disguising themselves as cars or signposts. Yes, the evil squirrels have brought in new recruits in my absence. But I’m too old and battle scarred to fall for their ploys. This is one third year who will be keeping her fingers. All of them. Attached to her hand. So she can drink tea and eat biscuits without the aid of mechanical contraptions.
But in all honesty being back on campus is Teh Good, and bringing back all sorts of lovely memories. Only just yesterday, walking to gibbet hill with long-time coursemates we paused at the old waiting spot outside Rootes J block and reminisced about the first year. Gathering there at 8:45 am, waiting for me. Waiting more. Calling my mobile. Hearing me answer with a “Bleurgh-arrrrr-aaagghhh-wha-tha-faaack?!?!” and the sound of someone falling out of bed. Ahhh good times… good times…
So far I’ve managed to miss the first two lectures of term. And I’ve rediscovered an addiction to boost bars regardless of the fact they taste like ming. Piddle.
Hello All You Strange New Crazy People.
Yes. I called you all strange, you freaks. You vast lot of unique individuals. See? It was a compliment, so chill. It’s when I start calling people “average” and “normal” (or indeed BEIGE *ahem*) that one should commence worrying. So anyway. As it’s the beginning of term and I’m feeling in such a giving mood since the abatement of the revision. Here are the words of advice I offer you.
- just keep your uni card on you wherever you go. It solves 98% of problems (excluding wild goose attack) In fact have it grafted onto your arm and you’ll be sorted.
- Invest in a never ending supply of tea such as secret tunnels to plantations or lovely grandparents.
- Don't plan to miss lectures. chances are you'll miss enough without even trying. And Murphy's law dictates that the ones you miss deliberately will be the most important
- Don't get caught. Most things are only wrong if you get caught. An alibi is an invaluable resource.
- Send stuff in the mail to friends. Get them to send stuff back. It's been calculated that for the average student a package received in the mail releases twice as much endorphins as landing on the moon. Endorphins are good.
- Don't get addicted to e-comics. Just don't, they are the consumers of time and ruiners of degrees. Here follows a large number of links to e-comics for you to not click and not get addicted to. Bunny Sinfest CtrlAltDel Penny Arcade Men in Hats Goats Questionable Content The Crearures in my Head Dinosaur Comics
- equally don't get addicted to the games that come with windows, especially not minesweeper.
- or rococo frescatos.
- You're on campus. Take full advantage of this fact, you'll miss the short stumble home later. And take time to laugh at the queue for the RAG cloakroom because that's your sad, sorry future right there.
- Mourne the loss of DC++. It was faster than a greased weasel in freefall.
- Freeze bread. It stops it evolving any further than is absolutely necessary.
- Prevention is better than cure. Keep a decent stockpile of chocolate to fend off chocolate-withdrawal-psychosis. Plus lads, it lures in the laydeez.
- Have post-night-out food on standby for when you get back. Then laugh heartily as you tuck into hot chilli con carne on rice/pasta/toast/whatever while your mates try to coax some joy out of a pot noodle.
- Leave your alarm on the steel sink (in Rootes) it sounds goddamn awful at 8:15 am on a tuesday morning but it works.
- Develop an all-encompassing addiction to pirates and ninjas. It's going to happen anyway so you may as well be prepared.
And if you don't already have a blog, just get one. Write, come to socials, drink, meet
scary people in need of psychoanalysis lots of lovely friendly people. In fact, the first fresher to accost (read: "greet") me at the social gets a prize. At the moment all I have on offer is a pink novelty toothpick shaped like a naked ladyfish. Oh yes, no expense spared. And then you can spend the whole evening poking people. now there's an offer you can't refuse.
Oh and drink tea. well. Y'know. If you like it. If you don't you can jump into a pit lined with spikes. I hear that's pretty fun too.
September 20, 2005
Oh god I thought the end of the holidays would mark the end of my woes but it is not so. I have no internet. I sit here typing this frozen from the blasted library computer room. I don't even know where I live anymore, and when I get there I will have no food. This is looking pretty worrying from where I'm sitting. My sanity is precariously balanced on a knife-edge, or it would be if I had a knife in my possesion. At the moment it's just precariously balanced on a spoon. I guess I can keep an eye on it better that way.
My new house is very pretty but my first night was interesting. I couldn't find a mug or a teabag or milk, when I finally amassed these items I couldn't work out how to fill the kettle so I had to drip water down the spout like a moron. then as my tea lay stewing away, it dawned on me that I had no spoon. Then I found a fork and still burnt myself. Then I failed to persuade the shower to issue forth hot water like a good little appliance. Finally I retired to my icebox bedroom to watch "Dawn of The Dead" in an empty six bedroom house. In the dark. And consequently charged round the house like rambo when it was finished. Y'know… just in case.
And if that wasn't bad enough, I dipped a biscuit in nutella and it exploded. nooooooooo.
Now I have to find a goddamn bus. Whose driver won't speak english so I'll have to mime "Earlsdon" to him somehow or maybe just form the letters with my body in some crazy cheerleader-esque dance.
I want my internet.
And some toast.
And a rifle to fend off those horrible living dead outside. Of course they might just be freshers, but why risk it…
September 16, 2005
Well I just found out I can change the comment question for my blog. And I'm afraid this is the irresistable signal for all hell to temporarily break loose. Questions fly round my head… "What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour? What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?!"
Ok, this is the deal. Y'all have about 2 days to get a comment up here before I close the commenting box. I don't have a prize as of yet. I'll think of (read: scour the tip for) something to give in addition to the huge ego boost of being smarter than all those that didn't comment.
teeheehee. 3… 2… 1… go!
EDIT - You may want to have a look at this game too: The Petals Around The Rose but be warned, It can take an infuriatingly long time to solve...
Writing about web page http://www.naveljewellery.co.uk/acatalog/Navel_Jewellery_New_Additions.html
Could somebody please tell me why anybody would ever wish to wear a jewelled sperm belly bar. Why, people! Why!
Seriously, what designer sat down and thought
"Hmmm… I think I will base my designs this season on bodily fluids, spunk is sooo 'in' right now."
And what's worse, someone actually listened and decided
"WOW, what an amazing idea."
What about this monstrosity: or a similar beauty, declaring in a rather euphoric script "jism" What is wrong with you all?
My mind fills with disturbing images of unfortunately attired girls with names like shayneesha-babycham-channel Jones, ostentatiously smoking and displaying as much flesh as legally possible. Swathes of pasty-white puppy fat wriggling free from a size 8 top in some violent colour that abuses the retina with it's neon glare. And there, floating like a distant atoll amidst it all, and glowing under the litten tree blacklight like a flare, this misshaped lump of metal announces "Cunt" to the world.
Don't worry sweetie, i'd say it was pretty obvious anyway.
September 12, 2005
…As it was explained to Jen and I in a rather "Mia friendly" manner. Well done Roger!
The History of War.
(insert own hand gestures where appropriate.)
- Man made
- Man discovers tools a la "2001 A Space Odyssey"
- Bludgeoning war ensues
- Armistice declared by two knackered survivors.
- Man discovers sharp metal sticks.
- Lots of little wars with big long sharp metal things.
- Wars end with discovery of twangy flying pointy sticks.
- Gunpowder discovered after bizzare manure explosion.
- Big wars with scary flying things
- Man discovers how to make flying things explode too.
- Huge war with everyone using flying explodey things.
- Man discovers that big firing things can be put on floaty boats and big metal birdy planes.
- Break for tea, treaties and bankruptcy.
- Even bigger wars end with small mighty-bangy thingies.
- Lots are built. They're just used on really really big fields to show off.
- Peace breaks out.
Yay! now why didn't I do history?!
…now I remember… the toaster! oh the toasters!!! with the itchy eyes!!!! NOOOoooo…
September 10, 2005
Tadaaaaa!!! I'm back.
Um… ok… Well I had expected more fireworks, confetti and stuff but silence is also good I guess. I'm taking it as a big round of welcoming silence. woo and yay!
Six weeks without blogging and I don't have a clue where to start, for starters blogbuilder has gone all peculiar. I have tags and keywords and a rather appealing Technorati ping. No idea what it does (research will indeed follow) but I am the kind of person who craves to press buttons 'just because' incase anything interesting happens. Hence there is no toaster in my house - the possibilities are just too scary. But rambling aside maybe the biggest change appears to be that, well... how do I say this... my blog is rather "aesthetically challenged". I think that's the best way to put it. This will be addressed in the coming year when* I decide to attempt to learn CSS
Still, at last I've been reunited with my darling computer *mwah* and my brick-shaped portable telecommunications device. But I've bought it a new dangly toy thingy that has bells and flashes when somebody calls, so hopefully it still loves me. I don't care what the other people say, when it comes to awesome gadgets money can buy you love. Unfortunately, now if I ever get mugged there'll be something half decent on my phone for them to steal, my only escape plan had been to wave my phone at them and run away while they fall to the ground laughing at me. It's one of the only man-made objects visible from space, along with the great wall of china and occasionally my hair.
And so on to the holidays. I guess the entire experience can be summed up in this image:
However, even with the issues outlined in my previous post it was still very enjoyable but I won't bore the world with details; Instead here's a whole lot of words and pictures outlining my activities.
- sun, sea, surf, more sun, burning, ow ow ow! but eventually yummy tan.
- getting stabbed in the stomach by some crazy lady with one of these
- getting attacked by assorted beasties while trying to lighten hair with lemons – not fun but the lemons worked.
- going to a 11pm to 8am beach party with 500,000 other people – and clinging onto my friend for dear life
- Oh. So. Much. Foamy. Fun.
- 5am pool party with 7 guys… who decided to strip… and the subsequent grounding that followed.
- ending up in ann summers with my mother and asking for tit-tape while surrounded by cans of spunk and boxes of chocolate cocks (they only had bondage tape apparently)
- discovering a type of fish whose name roughly translates as "bumflaps". And are actually rather tasty.
- buying pretty shooooooooeeeesss :D
- getting wasted at an annual festival held in honour of a fish (the urta), which is just their excuse for a big party. And just for reference a litre of vodka costs £2.80. ok? £2.80. Here, getting wasted is a national sport and they train for it every friday and saurday. People sometimes get thrown into bushes but it's all good.
- And being serenaded by 4 rather pissed spanish blokes with the "Bubbles of Love" song "Ai weesh i was a feesh so I could to wet mai nose eeen yor feeshbowl... la la la la la... and make bubbles of luuuuuvveee!! lalala laaaa..." sometimes there are just not enough adjectives in the world to describe things like that…
And now you need never be short of conversation starters when you bump into me down some dark narrow alleyway. Nevermind what I'm doing, what exactly are you doing there eh? and why is there an arm hanging out of that sack you're dragging? er… Well I guess in some circumstances the conversation starts itself. But dragging a corpse around with you can increase the chances. Not that I'm saying what you did was right. Now if you could just stay right there while I file this restraining order… Perfect. Now where were we? Oh you're five kilometres away are you? Nevermind then, catch you later, we'll do lunch sometime, ciao ciao darling, call me, mwah…