All entries for January 2006
January 19, 2006
A quute that I remember from some time ago
"I wish I'd known that at 20 I'd be everything I hated myself for not being at 15." - anon
The only problem with this being that now I'm 20, I want to be somebody else entirely.
January 18, 2006
Wed 18th: "I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich"
Yeah, despite the fact they're probably the reason he's a hell of a lot poorer than he could be. Only 18 days in and this wad of paper is already making me feel irritable. So here is my NEW calendar, it may be made up from random quotes from all over the place but I think you'll find it a lot more interesting than theirs... and I gave sundays a phrase... and they're blasphemous. Ah yes, delightful. Bring on February…
- "Heaven: If You Don't Know Where It Is, What Makes You Think You Can Get There?"
- "If Only Closed Minds Came With Closed Mouths"
- "Saftey tip of the day: always wear condoms because you never know when life is gonna screw you."
- "Life is a STD, and it's terminal too."
- "Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
- "Life blows. Death sucks. It's nature's balance."
- "How intelligent do you have to be to design an idiot?"
- "Believe Those Who Seek the Truth, Doubt Those Who Find It."
- "Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard and be evil."
- "Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity"
- The line below is true
The line above is false
- "A restraining order is just another way to say I love you."
- "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it throw stones in glass houses."
- "The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
- "What Would Scooby Doo?"
- "There are three things I can count on, death and my inability to do math."
- "Your pants don't make you look fat, it's your body"
- "Boredom can't kill you, but sometimes you wish it would."
- "Do not underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups".
- "Good friends help you move. Great friends help you move bodies."
- "There Never Was A Good War or a Bad Peace."
- "You will never get to heaven with an Ak 47… But A Flack Tank is good for Low Flying Cherubim"
- "Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions."
- "There's always one more idiot than you counted on!"
- "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
- "Ignorance, Nature's way of thinning the herd."
- "True or false: This statement is a lie."
- "Any Book Worth Banning Is A Book Worth Reading"
- "Save The Gay Baby Whales For Jesus!"
- "Blessed Are Those Who Can Laugh At Themselves, For They Will Never Cease To Be Amused."
- "Deal With Reality or Reality will Deal with You"
Huzzah for January!
January 15, 2006
January 09, 2006
For those of you who don't have one, you can share mine. I think if I had to put up with it by myself it would kill me. These are the most depressing "motivational quotes I have ever heard in my life. Seriously, take a good look and think about each one. Just what about "If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." makes anyone want to be productive? BOCTAOE namely ummmm maybe the 20th? You will also notice that sundays have no quote. They share the same quote as saturday. Obviously the people who compiled this calendar deemed that the weekend is not important enough to merit two whole quotes. What kind of a world is this where the weekend is ignored?!
Here they are in their full, textual (and occasionally rhyming) glory.
- Great art picks up where nature ends.
- Be happy while you're living, you're a long time dead.
- You don't get harmony when everyone sings the same note.
- Children are the message we send to a time we will not see.
- Whether you think you can or you can't - you are right. note to self: don't feel depressed today or you're screwed
- The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. whoa thanks, I almost thought for myself there...
- Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed.
- Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
- Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed.
- Dreams are only thoughts you didn't have time to think about during the day. get your nightmares out of the way by thinking about them all day.
- Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
- Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more.
- Experience is a comb that nature gives us when we are bald.
- If you're doing your best you won't have time to worry about failure.
- Faith is like a radar that sees through fog. faith is a radar that picks up invisible objects in broad daylight.
- I don't care how poor a man is; If he has family, he's rich.
- Forgiveness is a funny thing, it warms the heart and cools the sting.
- Friendship isn't a big thing - It's a million little things.
- If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. no shit sherlock. what would you care anyway, it's not like you had a destination in mind.
- A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
- If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time. Have no goals and you may achieve it. Sorry, why am I at uni again?
- A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.
- Gratitude is the memory of the heart.
- Happiness is never stopping to think you are.
- Nothing is more fatal to health than an over care of it. clearly
- In about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy. hello, my name is Earl.
- You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
I hope this list was as intriguingly useless to you as it was to me. Tune in next month for such wonderful delights as: "Don't try to be different. Just be good. Good is different enough."
*bangs head against wall*
If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time.
Good God... :s
What the hell does this mean? Anyone?
I got chased into my own bedroom then managed to chop it into 3 pieces with it's own shoulderblade. Then it just lay behind my chair making heavy breathing noises but not moving. Freaked the bejezus out of me :|
Some days I feel like this:
Today does not appear to be one of those days.
Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. Not even I want to hear me complain.
Yes it's all my fault.
No that doesn't make me feel better. And now my feet are going numb. STFAGOS. Bed.
Thank heavens for private entries.
Please let it go away.
January 07, 2006
This one's for the hippy on the plane that ran away from me while I was drawing it.
January 04, 2006
Or rather "Christmas Essays". I find it hard to put into words the hatred they summon from me.
Does everyone receive those annual family newsletters from distant friends and relatives, like my family does? Each year without fail half a dozen of these smug, self righteous, "my children are so wonderful" letters grace our doormat. In big fat envelopes that fill you with dread. Because as soon as you hear the thunk of it falling through the letterbox you can picture it in you mind's eye sitting, waiting, congealing in it's own superfluous happiness. And then you have to open it, read it and sit there afterwards basking in your apparent mediocrity. After all, you didn't live rough in some distant needy land building a hospital with your bare hands so poor starving children could have their eyes operated on and see again. And after your 14 hour shift of digging and bricklaying, use your spare time to start a highly successfull multi-million dollar empire via online share trading before catching a few hours of sleep and starting all over again. And somehow despite being thousands of miles away, with your superhuman powers you managed to run a household and raise the kids and prepare the online shopping for them and win the lottery all at the same time. (The lottery win all went to charity too of course…)
Quite frankly I've had enough. I feel lazy and stupid enough already without the help of you wannabe Ghandis. Why do you even think I want to know that your pet rabbit just got an OBE for bravery? Why people, why?!
So next year this is what you've got to look forward to. Yep, all you re-offenders here's a small preview of the 10 page document that will be denting your doormat next christmas. Enjoy.
Dear Mr/Mrs …............. and family
Yes it's that time of the year again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from us to all of you! And for the first time I am happy to present our annual family newsletter, our yearly epistle to let you know what we've all been up to in the last twelve action-packed months!!!
Firstly I have to start with introducing you to the newest members of our family, Bob and Jeff the rabbits have a new best friend in timbu the tiger cub we adopted from a sanctuary – it's an unusual situation, but since we saved his life from poachers last year he grew quite atttached. Thankfully it ties in quite nicely with little Jimmy graduating from his part-time lion taming classes!! Secondly we also welcomed chichi the hamster into our home, who within a week of his arrival saved us from terrorist burgulars by biting through the bars of his cage and attacking them while Chris the bushbaby alerted the FBI by tapping out the situation over the phone in morse code. Needless to say it was organic treats all round when we got home from our fundraiser and discovered three head members of Al Quaida cornered in the lounge by a rabbit. Oh how we all laughed!
Last but not least, march saw the arrival of our little bundle of joy Maeyhree (pronounced "Jim"). She's quite a handful and already troublesome at only nine months! Just the other day when we thought she was reading through her Mr Men collection, she managed to stack all her early learning books next to the computer desk, crawl up and hack into the US Pentagon's top security website. Whatever next eh?
The other members of the family are also doing very well. More about Fionnuahlaha later but younger members sure kept busy too! Jack just completed two full time degrees simultaneously, scoring firsts in both Neuroscience and Quantum physics, while Martha played the piano before several world leaders before pointing out how to achieve world peace via a simple method they had overlooked. We are very proud of them both.
As for my darling Steve and I, after helping to bring aid to the boxing day tsunami survivors, we spent the first part of the year on a luxury cruise taking in the glory of the arctic then the tropics before a brief stop in New York, What amazing memories, we'll treasure them forever. and on our return commemorated it with a scrapbook that you're all welcome to take a peek at!!!
June brought us the biggest celebration of the year with Fionnuahlaha and Ollie's wedding! We were all flown to a five star hotel in Dubai for the week-long celebration – After all, it's not every day that your family marries into royalty! But with a large successful business empire of her own I'd say our Fi is quite a catch!
While Steve ran everything for her during their honeymoon I busied myself on my comittees – mainly the local PTA and newly instigated "Neighbourhood Love" comittee. Our huge fundraiser was endorsed by so many major celebrities that I was in a starstruck daze for most of the evening! (some photos are overleaf, Mr Clooney was *such* a darling!!)
Well that's all Ive got time for at the moment but I'm sure I'll ring you later to smugly gloat at you down the phone, got to hurry so I'll have time to give blood then send this letter before the last post, oh what busy lives we lead!
And with any luck next year's letter will come from mount Kilimanjaro that the whole family will be climbing to raise money for goatless Somalian orphans. I just hope they make boots in Maeyhree's size!!!!
Wishing you love and success for the coming year,
The ….......... family.
Up yours you goddamn smug bastards.
Maybe a few days late, but yes I think that covers it all quite nicely.
Hope everyone had a happy holiday*
* you exceptions know who you are...
January 03, 2006
While celebrating New Years Eve on saturday night, my best friend and I were given the mammoth task of looking after her 7 year old sister Lisa. At some point in the proceedings the following exchange occurred…
Lisa: Emma has a boyfriend doesn't she?
Me: Yep she does, his name is John.
Lisa: Mia do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Ah… No, no I don't.
Lisa: Well I'm seven and a quarter years old and I have a boyfriend, I really think it's time you had one too…
I said it wasn't that easy but asked her to describe the kind of guy that she's pick out for me, and thus the following list was created (she made me take note) and a picture that she kindly drew herself of my future boyfriend. So, in her own words, this is it:
Lisa's list for Mia's Boyfriend
by Lisa (aged 7 and a quarter)
- Kind, always looks after his girlfriend
- Has good ideas (innovative)
- Joyful not miserable
- Careful with his work
- No big boobs
- Spiky hair
- Good looking
- Good thinker
- Good at making cooked breakfast
- Sure what he's doing when he goes to work
- Fashionable colourful clothes
- Is a good boyfriend
- Can drive
- Has a watch
- Is good on the computer
- Plays a musical instrument to keep you entertained
- Cool style
- Gives nice jewellery to his girlfriend
- Buys chocolates and flowers for his girlfriend
- Quiet when he should be
- Good at massages
- Buys Mia dresses
- As rich as a prince
Not bad at all, especially for someone who still adds fractions to the end of their name… My only concern was when she nearly added "Must be a hairdresser" but thankfully she changed her mind. Still, why a hairdresser? Mine's not that bad is it?! Any would-be applicants should be prepared to undergo a rigorous interview and selection procedure dictated by a seven-and-a-quarter year old
menace to society darling.
…No big boobs. hehehehehe…