November 19, 2005

We know this to be true…

This morning, on waking, I discovered strange and mysterious etchings on my wrist in blue biro. Scribbles that appeared to be some kind of graph/suicide diagram. Ruling out self harm (I may be single but I'm not desperate) and settling on the idea of a graph, it all suddenly came flooding back. What you see below is pure 3am insight in graphic form (captured on my wrist lest I forget).

The original is daubed on the rear windows of some number 12 bus, so it's in circulation somewhere, shining it's graph goodness on coventry as it speeds past.

The inspiration and clarity that dawned on our small party of revelers last night was simply this. Overall bastard levels remain constant, it is simply intake of alcohol that makes one more susceptable. Standards are sigmoid and can withstand alcohol to some extent without plummeting (at point x) until they pass amount y, at which point you really could do much better. Men pulled in the shaded region are less likely to to cause as much shame in the morning. But the time you've actually reached the x-axis pulling isn't as much of a concern as actually managing to at least stand up.

The same kind of logic was explained by Tom in the form of a marking system (developed with Gareth) with "the pint" as a basic unit. This basically charts the number of pints (P) that would have to be consumed before a woman became attractive enough to sleep with. Negative P scores are excellent.

In conclusion, I am cold and I want a nice cup of tea and a biscuit before I freeze over completely. Also pasta = love, don't forget it.

Jam, jam, jam, jam, jam...

M xxx.


- 12 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. best. graph. ever (even though it makes all blokes and therefore me into bastards :( )

    19 Nov 2005, 18:00

  2. Surely that graph is a bit of a contradiction though? Shouldn't female dating standards be on a negative direction compared to bastard levels (i.e. high standards equals low bastard levels men only; the region you have shaded is surely men with high levels of bastard). Or have I misread the graph? :-S (I've been programming all day and didn't sleep much after RAG, I think my sanity and ability to understand graphs is fading)

    19 Nov 2005, 18:08

  3. Aaah, thank you – it all makes sense now! I suddenly see where I've been going wrong all these years…

    Why don't they teach us this sort of stuff in university seminars?

    19 Nov 2005, 18:17

  4. Anna

    i dont get it, if women have high dating standards normally then why do they date the bastards? although i get the rest of it… quite simply tells the truth:)

    19 Nov 2005, 22:36

  5. Blearghghrgh.

    19 Nov 2005, 23:23

  6. Women date the bastards because they aren't aware that i'm available.

    20 Nov 2005, 02:31

  7. What's so great about real-life relationships anyway? Porn is more satisfying, less annoying and far more cost-effective than having an actual partner.

    20 Nov 2005, 13:56

  8. I see you changed the y-axis of the graph from the original, not sure if I should be offended or not.

    And James, you seem to be forgetting the existence of secret option C.

    20 Nov 2005, 16:27

  9. Well, it only makes you a bastard if you don't make it above the line…

    Nah Siggy, you're right, the lable is a little misleading. It's essentially based on how nice a guy is and the cut-off point is the "bastard level" in blue. Those that fall below the bastard level are… well… not really worth ones time.

    They should teach it really shouldn't they. With lots of big impressive looking graphs. And lazer pointers. And sparkly fluffy free stuff, and they could advertise in Cosmo. I see no way this plan could possibly fail.

    Unfortunately, "Bastard-ness" as well as Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some just choose to draw the line a little lower. Hence the "Why is she going out with him?!" reaction

    Raaarrr! yes Sean, it is a graph and it's not WCIII related. At least it's not work :)

    Maybe we could put up posters to amend the situation?

    James, you need to ask santa for a real doll. they have "real" boobies <-- as freethinking as I am this .gif still only makes it into this comment as a link...

    Or alternatively invest in secret option C:
    A: Porn, B: Actual partner, C: All of the above.
    Secret option C can work it's magic on just about every choice there is to make, excepting decisions such as "cake or death" of course…
    Yeah, I did change the y-axis. But only from twat to bastard. So the sentiment is pretty much the same.

    ok, back to work

    20 Nov 2005, 17:56

  10. mmmm cake

    20 Nov 2005, 18:21

  11. That wasn't the change I was thinking of.. And to think you even gave me pasta.

    How & why did you find that website? The scary thing is I've seen pornstars with less realistic looking breasts….

    20 Nov 2005, 19:03

  12. Gareth

    To be fair, there was significantly mroe to our rating system than 'just' the galar rating (as it is known in scientific circles). If any girls wish to be rated by the technical experts (myself and Tom), I dare say sending a picture to Mia would be a good start.

    The change you made to the graph is much more important than a twat/bastard counter-balance, Ms Brackenridge. You should be ashamed.

    Incidentally Tom, didn't I send you that website a while ago? We found it at work.

    20 Nov 2005, 21:33


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