Things To Do After You Die
I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.
It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...
Things To Do After You Die
- Be buried
- Be cremated
- Be made into a glass paperweight
- Be buried at sea
- Be fed to wild animals
- Have a wax deathmask made
- Get stuffed
- Be shot into outer space
- Be mummified
- Be used to stuff a plush toy
- Have yourself scattered somewhere
- Be served as lunch
- Donate your organs for transplantation
- Donate your body to science
- Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
- Leave everything to a cat
- Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
- Be recreated as a waxwork statue
- Have a monument built in your memory
- Poison your wake and bring them all with you
- Be set on fire
- Be twung from between two trees in a sling
- Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
- Haunt someone
- Possess someone
- Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
- Curse someone
- Come back to life three days later
- Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
- Be entombed beneath a pyramid
- Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
- Become a zombie
- Be cryogenically frozen
- Have your head put in a jar
- Be eaten by piranhas
- Be turned into a firework
- Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
- Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
- Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
- Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
- Be reincarnated
- Request a circus themed funeral
- Be buried in drag
- Undergo saponification
- Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
- Imply it was murder on your deathbed
- Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
- Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
- Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
- Invent somebody in your will
- Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
- Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
- Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
- Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
- Have your bones made into a chandelier
- Play UNO with Jesus (and win)
Mx
Lovin’ the Izzard.
Missed your moan & vodka additions – So I say “Herro!” now.
Herro!
02 May 2007, 10:05
I loved #50.
You forgot my favourite though – get fossilised and confuse future generations.
02 May 2007, 17:08
Desi
Amusing, to say the least.
I’d really like to haunt my fellow ghosts once I am dead :p
04 May 2007, 03:52
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