Things To Do After You Die

I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.

It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...

Things To Do After You Die 

1. Be buried
2. Be cremated
3. Be made into a glass paperweight
4. Be buried at sea
5. Be fed to wild animals
6. Have a wax deathmask made
7. Get stuffed
8. Be shot into outer space
9. Be mummified
10. Be used to stuff a plush toy
11. Have yourself scattered somewhere
12. Be served as lunch
13. Donate your organs for transplantation
14. Donate your body to science
15. Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
16. Leave everything to a cat
17. Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
18. Be recreated as a waxwork statue
19. Have a monument built in your memory
20. Poison your wake and bring them all with you
21. Be set on fire
22. Be twung from between two trees in a sling
23. Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
24. Haunt someone
25. Possess someone
26. Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
27. Curse someone
28. Come back to life three days later
29. Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
30. Be entombed beneath a pyramid
31. Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
32. Become a zombie
33. Be cryogenically frozen
34. Have your head put in a jar
35. Be eaten by piranhas
36. Be turned into a firework
37. Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
38. Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
39. Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
40. Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
41. Be reincarnated
42. Request a circus themed funeral
43. Be buried in drag
44. Undergo saponification
45. Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
46. Imply it was murder on your deathbed
47. Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
48. Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
49. Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
50. Invent somebody in your will
51. Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
52. Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
53. Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
54. Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
55. Have your bones made into a chandelier
56. Play UNO with Jesus (and win)

: 02 May 2007 08:00 |  Comments (3) |  Report a problem