Christmas letters. Bah humbug…
Or rather "Christmas Essays". I find it hard to put into words the hatred they summon from me.
Does everyone receive those annual family newsletters from distant friends and relatives, like my family does? Each year without fail half a dozen of these smug, self righteous, "my children are so wonderful" letters grace our doormat. In big fat envelopes that fill you with dread. Because as soon as you hear the thunk of it falling through the letterbox you can picture it in you mind's eye sitting, waiting, congealing in it's own superfluous happiness. And then you have to open it, read it and sit there afterwards basking in your apparent mediocrity. After all, you didn't live rough in some distant needy land building a hospital with your bare hands so poor starving children could have their eyes operated on and see again. And after your 14 hour shift of digging and bricklaying, use your spare time to start a highly successfull multi-million dollar empire via online share trading before catching a few hours of sleep and starting all over again. And somehow despite being thousands of miles away, with your superhuman powers you managed to run a household and raise the kids and prepare the online shopping for them and win the lottery all at the same time. (The lottery win all went to charity too of course…)
Quite frankly I've had enough. I feel lazy and stupid enough already without the help of you wannabe Ghandis. Why do you even think I want to know that your pet rabbit just got an OBE for bravery? Why people, why?!
So next year this is what you've got to look forward to. Yep, all you re-offenders here's a small preview of the 10 page document that will be denting your doormat next christmas. Enjoy.
Dear Mr/Mrs …............. and family
Yes it's that time of the year again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from us to all of you! And for the first time I am happy to present our annual family newsletter, our yearly epistle to let you know what we've all been up to in the last twelve action-packed months!!!
Firstly I have to start with introducing you to the newest members of our family, Bob and Jeff the rabbits have a new best friend in timbu the tiger cub we adopted from a sanctuary – it's an unusual situation, but since we saved his life from poachers last year he grew quite atttached. Thankfully it ties in quite nicely with little Jimmy graduating from his part-time lion taming classes!! Secondly we also welcomed chichi the hamster into our home, who within a week of his arrival saved us from terrorist burgulars by biting through the bars of his cage and attacking them while Chris the bushbaby alerted the FBI by tapping out the situation over the phone in morse code. Needless to say it was organic treats all round when we got home from our fundraiser and discovered three head members of Al Quaida cornered in the lounge by a rabbit. Oh how we all laughed!
Last but not least, march saw the arrival of our little bundle of joy Maeyhree (pronounced "Jim"). She's quite a handful and already troublesome at only nine months! Just the other day when we thought she was reading through her Mr Men collection, she managed to stack all her early learning books next to the computer desk, crawl up and hack into the US Pentagon's top security website. Whatever next eh?
The other members of the family are also doing very well. More about Fionnuahlaha later but younger members sure kept busy too! Jack just completed two full time degrees simultaneously, scoring firsts in both Neuroscience and Quantum physics, while Martha played the piano before several world leaders before pointing out how to achieve world peace via a simple method they had overlooked. We are very proud of them both.
As for my darling Steve and I, after helping to bring aid to the boxing day tsunami survivors, we spent the first part of the year on a luxury cruise taking in the glory of the arctic then the tropics before a brief stop in New York, What amazing memories, we'll treasure them forever. and on our return commemorated it with a scrapbook that you're all welcome to take a peek at!!!
June brought us the biggest celebration of the year with Fionnuahlaha and Ollie's wedding! We were all flown to a five star hotel in Dubai for the week-long celebration – After all, it's not every day that your family marries into royalty! But with a large successful business empire of her own I'd say our Fi is quite a catch!
While Steve ran everything for her during their honeymoon I busied myself on my comittees – mainly the local PTA and newly instigated "Neighbourhood Love" comittee. Our huge fundraiser was endorsed by so many major celebrities that I was in a starstruck daze for most of the evening! (some photos are overleaf, Mr Clooney was *such* a darling!!)
Well that's all Ive got time for at the moment but I'm sure I'll ring you later to smugly gloat at you down the phone, got to hurry so I'll have time to give blood then send this letter before the last post, oh what busy lives we lead!
And with any luck next year's letter will come from mount Kilimanjaro that the whole family will be climbing to raise money for goatless Somalian orphans. I just hope they make boots in Maeyhree's size!!!!
Wishing you love and success for the coming year,
The ….......... family.
Up yours you goddamn smug bastards.
Maybe a few days late, but yes I think that covers it all quite nicely.
Hope everyone had a happy holiday*
* you exceptions know who you are...