All entries for Wednesday 22 June 2005
June 22, 2005
Having had no access to a television in the past year I had completely forgotten the high quality programs being broadcast for my viewing pleasure. How did I manage without them? I turned it on today and the first program to accost my eyes was none other than:
"Is my OAP lover using prostitutes?"
Ahahahahahahahahhahahahahaa. I love daytime TV, If only for the immense satisfaction it gives me to switch it off within seconds. Just the title cheered me up no end and it didn't get the chance to corrode my brain. Brilliant.
I wish my results would just hurry up and arrive too. The waiting is starting to eat away at me, I'd rather just know either way so that if it's bad enough I'll have more time to make the necessary arrangements to leave the country…
Having been on a 30 minute cross-country cycle ride I am feeling terribly healthy and superior from endorphin release. Mwahaha. and I read The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, and watched my first ever tennis match (which Henmann actually won) and spoke to lots of people on msn and cooked roast chicken for four. Oh, and saw a laughably poor teen horror movie with my brother. All in one day. Plus I am blogging. On the down side I must have swallowed a multitude of gnats thus explaining why, a little later, a spider jumped on my face. Dis-gus-ting i think you'll agree.
Anyway, this post is just to alert people to two things. The first being Project Gutenburg - an online catalogue of thousands of e-bookswhich are all free to download. It's really just the old classics rather than modern titles, but still worth a look. And the second comes from that site. It's a book I'd heard of but never seen called The Devil's Dictionary . It's essentially a dictionary of cynically accurate descriptions. For example:
- ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
- ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
- ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
- ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
- BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
- BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
For more of that click the link and download it. It's almost along the same lines as The Meaning Of Liff (another thoroughly amusing book and, now that I check, co-written by Douglas Adams too) that, rather like a dictionary provides words with meanings, provides meanings with words. Some of my favourites are:
- ABILINE, adj. Descriptive of the pleasing coolness of the reverse side of the pillow.
- SCULLET, n. The last teaspoon in the washing up.
- TIBSHELF, n. Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambis and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.
- VENTNOR, n. One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being to operate the air-nozzles above airoplane seats.
- ALLTAMI, n. The art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
- HAXBY, n. Any garden implement foind in a potting shed whose exact purpose is unclear.
Well actually I'm tired. but this unrelenting heat won't let me sleep.. Gah. And just to make it better my body has decided that hayfever is in this season, dahling, so for the first time in my life I am shunning the great sunny outdoors. *sniffle* Why couldn't my body just decide it suddenly wanted a tan or a flat tummy or firmer buttocks. Why a goddamn allergy eh?!
No fair. No fair at all…