All entries for Tuesday 20 September 2005

September 20, 2005

A series of unfortunate events

Oh god I thought the end of the holidays would mark the end of my woes but it is not so. I have no internet. I sit here typing this frozen from the blasted library computer room. I don't even know where I live anymore, and when I get there I will have no food. This is looking pretty worrying from where I'm sitting. My sanity is precariously balanced on a knife-edge, or it would be if I had a knife in my possesion. At the moment it's just precariously balanced on a spoon. I guess I can keep an eye on it better that way.

My new house is very pretty but my first night was interesting. I couldn't find a mug or a teabag or milk, when I finally amassed these items I couldn't work out how to fill the kettle so I had to drip water down the spout like a moron. then as my tea lay stewing away, it dawned on me that I had no spoon. Then I found a fork and still burnt myself. Then I failed to persuade the shower to issue forth hot water like a good little appliance. Finally I retired to my icebox bedroom to watch "Dawn of The Dead" in an empty six bedroom house. In the dark. And consequently charged round the house like rambo when it was finished. Y'know… just in case.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I dipped a biscuit in nutella and it exploded. nooooooooo.

Now I have to find a goddamn bus. Whose driver won't speak english so I'll have to mime "Earlsdon" to him somehow or maybe just form the letters with my body in some crazy cheerleader-esque dance.

I want my internet.

And some toast.

And a rifle to fend off those horrible living dead outside. Of course they might just be freshers, but why risk it…

M xxx


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