All entries for March 2005
March 31, 2005
Despite my best intentions to go to bed for the first time before midnight…..I was aroused by slumber with a knock from a friend in my corridor, and he persuaded me to go on one of our midnight walks….followed by the obligarory stop off at Tesco….well i cannot sleep now and am not in the mood for work….oh dear….major sign of addiction is justifying it to yourself….what the hell…i feel like blogging
So here is a gloriously indulgent, absolutely tongue-in-cheek, and lengthy and verbose blog entry…..i am away on holiday for a week but will probably take that long to read it…..enjoy!
Anyway, I digress….onto my theme for today…which is life after university….
I have spoken to many people who are filled with trepidation at the thought of leaving university and having to decide what they want to do with their life. Luckily I am somewhat of a lifestyle guru and a good Samatarian, so I am always ready to give them the benefits of my life experience and general wisdom beyond my years…..I also feel that the medical blood in the family has rubbed off on me, except rather than helping people deal with physical illnesses I help them deal with emotional and spiritual malaise…..Anyway here is my prescription for the "What the hell do I do with my life blues"
WATCH THE GRADUATE
Unfortunately a lot of you will follow this prescription yet fail to absorb the deeper meaning of "The Graduate" and fail to see how you can apply its lessons to your own life…Well let me explain all…..
The posters for the Graduate have the following slogan
"This is Benjamin. He's a little worried about his future"
Now like Benjamin, I am sure you are all feeling a bit apathetic. Once you graduate I will not be surprised at all if you wonder what the point of it all is. You don't feel like going into the corporate treadmill of 9–5 in the office, marriage and kids. The life your parents want for you, and the life you spent working towards (working hard to get top grades etc….....) seems distinctly unappealing. In Ben's words…...
"I guess…I am a bit worried…about my future…I want it to be ….different"
What better way to spice up life and take your mind off your troubles than a highly inappropriate affair with a mother and her daughter? This is the main lesson from the Graduate…and one which should be followed by all men placed in similar disturbed mental states.
In the typical dark irony that is typical of this wonderful film, right after Mrs Robinson entices Ben up to her room and propositions him, Mr Robinson offers Ben the following friendly advice that all young men graduating from university should follow:
"So I hope you won't mind my giving you a friendly piece of adviceI think you ought to be taking it a little easier right now than you seem to be…Sow a few wild oats, take things as they come, have a good time with the girls and so forth…You have yourself a few flings this summer. I'll bet you're, you're quite a ladies man…You look to me like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off"
So there you have it. The solution to post-graduation apathy and worry about the future…...
Sorry to my female readership if this post is very much male centred…but if you want to know how to seduce a man, then study carefully Mrs Robinson…who is an expert…this could be the topic of a long post in itself…but to keep it brief:
1. Make it so that it would appear rude for your victim to refuse you…
e.g. "Do you find me undesirable?"
2. Take advantage of your experience and his lack thereof to question his virility and make him want to prove himself to you, through embarking on an affair with you.
"On your first time if you're afraid of being inadequate…." for benjamin to refuse would make him seem like a coward…
NOTE ALSO that Mrs Robinson brushes aside and ignored Ben's real reasons for rejecting her…he thinks it is morally wrong to sleep with the wife of his dad's best friend….and insinuates it is because he is sexually inadequate, does not find her desirable, or afraid….....all labels which he is keen to disprove
3. Honesty is the best policy. When all else fails, resort to the old fashioned proposition or pass..
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin. I want you to know that I'm available to you, and if you won't sleep with me this time… I want you to know that you can call me up anytime you want and we'll make some kind of an arrangement. Do you understand what I.said..?
So there you have it ladies, three steps to seduce any man, no matter how uninterested he seems initially….
March 24, 2005
I am of only average intelligence but do exceedingly well at exams. As I know lots of people find exam time stressful and do not always do themselves justice on the day of exams..here are a few tips that have helped me over the years….
Start early and make a revision plan. Split each module into around 10–15 topics and cover one topic in each revision session.
Make brief summary notes then get a blank piece of paper and try and reproduce your notes from memory…repeat until 100% recall…then do the same exercise (reviewing) the day after, the week after, the month after and just before the exams…the review session should consist of speedily jotting down what you can remember of the topic and comparing with your original notes…filling in any gaps
Extra reading is overrated..provided you know and understand the lecture notes inside out you will do fine. If you are keen on getting a first just learn a few choice arguments or quotes from the literature…
Aim to finish revision 1 week before the exam giving plenty of time to practice past papers etc…..
Something that works for me is revising during the morning having got up early and taking the rest of the day off….
Take regular breaks from revision..every hour or so getting a bit of fresh air for 5 minutes or so..
Exercise lots…I find that a 5 mile jog a day keeps me relaxed and gets rid of all my nervous energy
Eat well….stay away from coffee and sugar and instead eat brain food such as pasta, bread, cereals, fish and nuts
Aim to leave 2–3 hours before bed to relax and wind down..
Read the question and answer the question….too many clever people instead just write all they know about the subject in a rambling answer.
Do the easy questions first as it boosts your confidence and eases your nerves helping you perform better on the hard questions
Allocate time to questions according to the number of marks
How many of my dear readers have heard of a card game called Bridge? For those who do, doesn't it evoke the image of thoroughly respectable middle class people sitting down and enjoying a civilised game of bridge following a dinner party meal? Doesn't it evoke the image of pensioners in a large hall playing duplicate? Doesn't it evoke the image of thoroughly decent public boy sorts playing bridge in their common room (how I wasted my entire final five years at school!)
Well this evening on the way to bed I bumped into my brother David and from his pained expression I realised he needed to get something off his chest….I was right "Forgive me Matthew for I have sinned" he said….now David is as innocent as they come so I was shocked at his sordid tale of debauchery…even more so when i discovered the source of this corruption…the youth international bridge scene (my brother is an England U20 international)
Once the final hand has been dealt (this is an expression as in duplicate hands are pre-dealt)....these respectable middle class students turn into Hooray Henries of the worst kind…here are some of the crimes and sins they commit when away from the green baize tables…
Drunken brawls with members of other teams…...apparentely the English team and the French team once had a fight that resulted in the hospitalisation of three people
Drug fuelled excesses…snorting coke regularly to get them through the intense 12 hour bridge marathons…smoking marijuana….performance enhancing drugs…..
Rampant alcoholism..it seems a youth bridge player is synomonous with an alcoholic. Champagne breakfasts are followed by constant swigging of brandy from hip flasks…with wine flowing like water…..followed by heavy spirits in the evening…
High stakes gambling….regular games of high stakes rubber bridge and poker. Apparentely every member of the team has already had to sign away their soul to pay gambling debts.
Bribery and blackmail….my brother has made around £10000 in bribes and is engaged in an elaborate match-fixing racket…in addition the Swedish bridge team has been accused of using their good looks to distract, intimidate and seduce the opposition …......
I was saddened to hear this tale of moral depravity, debauchery, and sin. I urged David to quit bridge but he is addicted…
He did however urge me to send out a warning to everyone so they could avoid becoming entrapped in the vicious circle of drug and alcohol abuse, corruption and hooliganism which is part of the parcel of the international bridge scene…..
So heed his warning playing international bridge is akin to making a pact with the devil…..
DISCLAIMER: As always my entry has little basis in truth and is very much embellished for effect. Bridge players may enjoy their alcohol but otherwise are thoroughly nice people who abide by the laws and live a temperate and pure lifestyle…..
March 22, 2005
You are all about to leave university (or the playground of life as I call it) and will be moving into jobs in large corporations. Fear not for if you master the Shirk Ethic this will be a completely painless transition.
As a philosopher, racounteur and bon vivant, the thought of mental or physical effort in the workplace pains me. Yet to fund my extravagant lifestyle requires money. Thereofore I needed to find a way of earning money effortlessly. The answer is of course SHIRKING (doing the minimum amount of work possible without getting sacked) This is a fine art so without further ado let the lesson begin…...
1. First impressions last so for the first week work hard and gradually tailor off the effort until you are doing sweet f.a. Your boss will have pigeonholed you as a star employee who can do no wrong!
2. Attitude is everything. Be enthusiastic, smile all the time and use all the charm you have at your disposal. If everyone likes you they will be blind to the fact you are doing no work. To further increase popularity offer to buy sandwiches, make the coffee, give birthday presents, bake cakes etc. If you succeed, you will be so popular that sacking you will result in your co-workers rallying behind you and striking until you are re-instated.
3. Hide your intelligence. Let's face it as Warwick graduates we are smarter than the average bear. A carefully guarded secret is that employers don't like intelligence as it makes you a threat to their jobs. Create a veil of ignorance so that when you accomplish tasks that are child's play for someone of your intellect, your boss will think you are working really hard! Furthermore if faced by a challenging task play dumb and pretend you don't understand what your boss is asking you to do. He will lose patience and do it himself, but cannot excuse you of being lazy!
4. Seduce the company secretary (WARNING check she isn't married first-trust me!). This is best achieved via strategic use of e-mails (see Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones' diary for examples), lunch dates and alcohol after work. Flirt with her at all times until she falls for your charm. For more read my primers on caddery, charm etc…..The benefits are immense: Illicit encounters in the stationary cupboard and the boss' desk, a willing slave to do your photocopying, type letters etc. and best of all she will be able to divert the workload away from you. Be careful though as the boss will get jealous if you are caught.
5. Use your body as a secret weapon (especially for females). Wear short skirts, tight tops, stragetically drop things and bend over, giggle and say how clever your male co-workers are. Sleep with whoever necessary to get promotions. Don't try this in a public school boy dominated company (like Coutts or Cazenove or the Civil Service) as they are all gay-although if male then use tips as for females with exception of short skirts. Later on blackmail your boss for promotions, pay increases etc. and if sacked claim sexual harassment having kept a careful record of flirtatious e-mails. Delete all reciprocal e-mails from his computer.
6. Learn the art of staring at the computer screen or pretending to read. Everyone will think you are working….while in reality you are planning your next blog entry, contemplating life or planning your social life
7. Be the company socialite. Get your co-workers and boss to the best parties, hook them up with pretty women/men. Invite them to raucous houseparties and befriend them all. Play golf with them, arrange theatre trips, football matches, visits to lap dancing establishments (essential if you work in investment wanking) The reward will be your popularity goes through roof with desirable consequences as discussed earlier.
8. Take 2 hour lunchbreaks but be sure to arrive first and leave last….this will be noticed while chances are as everyone is taking lunchbreaks at different times they will not notice your prolonged absence.
9. Do shirk experience to practice the art of shirking as otherwise you will get sacked early on having not learnt how to get the balance right. As we speak I am in a law firm writing this blog….having done no work all day and having taken the company secretary out for lunch!
10. If worst comes to the worse and you get sacked plead unfair dismissal, sexual harassment, discrimination (i once successfully claimed that they were discrimating against me because i was blonde!). Also collect lots of dirt on your boss (affairs with staff, homosexual encounters at school-given if he is public school, etc) and rally your co-workers behind you gettting them to strike to reinstate you
March 19, 2005
My bloody brother let it slip to my mother that I am bulking and I have just received an angry phone call from my mother trying to talk me out of it. Here is a brief transcript of the conversation…..
Mother: Matthew, David told me about your bulking and I have to say I am very disappointed. I don't want you to turn into one of these disgusting musclebound freaks. All the muscle will just turn to fat as you get older and you will end up like your father. What possessed you to want to bulk?
Me: Mother don't be silly. It won't turn to fat, the only reason boxers get fat is because they eat the same amount when they stop workiing out as they did when in training. And I am bulking because I want to get in good shape for the beach this summer.
Mother: You silly boy. Lots of muscles are common, and proper, nice girls don't care for muscles. Only lower class, sluts like muscular men.
Me: That is not true mummy. There is nothing wrong with having muscles. It doesn't make me common. I will retain my plummy accent and continue to wear tweed and will even return my hair to its side-parting but I want to bulk so I can get big and muscular to impress the ladies on the beach.
Mother: THAT IS IT you are not allowed to go on holiday to Scandinavia. I thought you were going to watch Swedish films, as i know how much you love arty films, but lo and behold you are just going to flirt with Swedish girls. Why cannot you date one of the nice public school girls i introduce you to?
Me: Mummy, they are all boring and all they ever talk about is horses, hockey and shopping. Besides, none of them are natural blondes, and I know how you want me to have beautiful blonde babies.
Mother: While that is true Matthew, I want you to marry an English girl who went to a public school, not some liberal Scandinavian blonde bimbo.
Me: Mummy I am not going to marry the first girl i meet on a Swedish beach. I am just going to have fun and romance.
Mother: Matthew, I have told you many times and I tell you again. I have to approve of and meet all prospective girlfriends before you go out with them.
Me: Mummy I am almost 21. I can choose who i date
Mother: I know best. I just don't want you to end up with an unsuitable girl.
Me: No girl I ever date will be good enough for you.
Mother: (attack is the best form of defence) well i won't give you seconds and you can buy your own food…
March 18, 2005
Thanks to Sam for his excellent entry on this subject. I agree completely with his advice, buit thought I would add some tips of my own.
1. Never ever try and win an argument with a woman. They don't use logic and don't fight fair and resort to character attacks. I am President of the Debating society yet have never won an argument with a girl.
When you sense an argument starting, avoidance is the best strategy, such as saying something like "I am wrong, you are right" and agreeing with everything she says. For example:
Me: Margaret Thatcher is a modern day saint
Her: I hate margaret thatcher, she is evil. Conservatism is wrong, communism is right
Me: I am wrong you are right. How misguided I have been all these years. Thank you for pointing out the error of my beliefs. I will destroy my Margarent Thatcher figurine and erect a red flag in my room.
2. When she wants something give it to her. It will save time in the long run, as it will save her having to use emotional blackmail and guilttripping you or slagging you off to her friends.
THE WRONG WAY
Her: I want a pretty handbag
Me: Tough, I am not made of money
Her; YOu are a rubbish boyfriend. I am going to dump you and sleep with the nearest man in sight to get back at you. By the way I still remember the time you cheated on me, but I forgave you, and do I get any gratitude, NO! Oh and by the way you are rubbish in bed.
THE RIGHT WAY
Her: I want a pretty handbag
Me: Anything for you, apple of my eye (hastily considers whether I can remortgage my house or get another loan)
3. Learn to pretend to listen. This is achieved via strategic use of hmmm, really?, go on, tell me more, tell me how you felt,..........Never attempt to solve women's problems or offer advice as they will throw it back in your face and ARGUE with you (refer back to tip 1)
4. Never look at another woman in her presence. Trust me she will catch you and get mad at you. Even if the woman is only a friend, she will still be offended that you are checking out other women in her presence.
TO BE CONTINUED
Here are some simple rules which if followed will increase your masculinity and make you more attractive to the opposite sex:
2. Don't call ever
3. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal such as Matt Junior
4. Be as ambiguos as possible. If you don't want to answer something a grunt will suffice
5. Always remember. I am a man, therefore no matter what, it isn't my fault
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need help-don't ask. People will just think you have no penis
7. Vanity is the most important trait a man can have. Whenever you pass a mirror check your reflection, your hair, your clothing.
8. Tell her you will call then refer back to rule no2
9 Deny everything. Everything
10 Feelings? What feelings?
11. Every sentence anyone says can be contorted to have some sexual meaning. Do so!
12. Love is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think of saying it
13. ALWAYS apologise. NEVER mean it
14. You are male therefore you are superior
15. Don't ever notice anything
16 Basic rule of dating; Quantity not quality
17 Basic rule of sex: Quantity IS quality
18 If you cheat on a girl but noone finds out technically you are doing nothing wrong
19 Women are your napkins. Use them then throw them away
20 When you tell a girl about your past it is good to say "God, I was such a stud back then
March 17, 2005
Sadly I cannot claim full credit for this code of conduct for macho men, but I have added a few of my own:
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
4 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.
5 You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
6 If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
7 If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
8 Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
9 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
10 No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
11 A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
12 It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
13 If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
14 Under no circumstances can a man be seen consuming fruity chick drinks unless he is on a tropical beach and being served by a topless supermodel and the drink is free
15 No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Hopefully some of you will be familiar with the character Jeeves from P.G. Wodehouse's hilarious books. As he was one of my school's most famous old boys I was fed a diet of Wodehouse from a very young age and grew to love the high jinks and scrapes that Jeeves rescued Bertie from on a regular basis. My dream has always been to have a Jeeves of my own.
BRIEF DESCRIPTION FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT
Jeeves is a butler who has an admirable knack for solving people's problems no matter how complicated. He is what you might call a Agony Uncle of his times. He was in the employment of a Bertie Wooster, a cheerful but completely brainless man about town-The original "Tim nice but dim", who idly spent his days lunching with friends at The Drones (a gentlemans club in London), and enjoying long sojourns at the abodes of his various aunts, often falling in love with delightful debutantes along the way.
BACK TO THE MAIN ESSENCE OF MY ESSAY
Yes, I would love to have a Jeeves figure to look after me in my London bachelor pad. Cook me bacon and eggs for breakfast with tea and kippers. Help me out in my numerous affairs of the heart. Look dissaprovingly at items of clothing and sulk until I throw them away. Guide me through the various scrapes I get myself in, and most of all a friend and a companion. I think of Jeeves as a mother without the disobedience and the orders
I have done some research into the feasibility of hiring a butler to live with me in my bachelor pad in London and unfortunately the annual fees of 80000 a year are somewhat out of my price range.
I have come up with an ingenious solution.
May I introduce to you all my two brothers David and Steven
Here is Steven being corrupted by yours truly (he is merely 16)
Steven would make an excellent butler, mainly because he does whatever I tell him to do, is a pushover and is excellent company and very cheerful and amiable. He is an excellent cook and specialises in bakery so he could keep me well fed.
His slight weakness is the fact that although he is pretty as a picture he is not the brightest spark, as this picture of him struggling to understand the sports pages demonstrates.
This is David. He is 6 foot 6 and built like a rugger player and as such would make an excellent bodyguard, although as i boxed at school and have never lost a fight this is not essential. He is about to flunk medical school as he spends all his time gambling and playing Bridge for England.
He is also an excellent driver if somewhat dangerous (his claim to fame is driving his Nissan Micra at 110mph on an A road in Stoneleigh) and as I am never going to drive anytime soon would make an excellent chauffeur. Furthermore he is an alcoholic and can make the best cocktails. I once visited his university room and almost fainted for the drink fumes although he was kind enough to revive me with some of the finest Brandy.
I am convinced he will end up as either a croupier or professional gambler in Las Vegas (he makes around 1000 a month playing online poker) or barring that a cocktail bartender at the Young Chelsea a bridge club he regularly frequents. Either way I am hoping to tempt him with an offer to be my chauffeur and instruct me in the arts of gambling so I can emulate his winnings.
March 16, 2005
In her movies Marilyn Monroe depicted an ideal, that has persisted even through these enlightened times. She represents to a lot of men, myself included, the ideal woman.
She was sexy at hell yet kept a sort of virginal innocence. You felt you were corrupting her and not vice-versa. She had a baby doll like sexiness, which she seemed delightfully unaware of. This was combined with a touching vulnerability which made you want to protect her, and evoked a slightly taboo father like feeling that made her all the more exciting. In a sense she evoked a Lolita like desire in the sense she played up the little girl role, yet her body was all woman. One part of her screamed sex yet the other part retained a coy and naive schoolgir like innocence. I love the picture of her below which illustrates this more than my words ever could.
Damn pictures not working shall upload later
Marilyn was also a dumb blonde but the best sort of dumb blonde, one who wasn't actually dumb. But a girl intelligent enough to know how to play to the male ego and make him feel superior. A girl intelligent to know that men prefer girly women who are sweet, demure and subservient. Ditziness is one of the most appealing qualities there is in a woman and Marilyn personified it.
I shall now move on to her looks. No doubt about it Marilyn Monroe is stunning. Angelic looking with a halo of blonde hair and a wonderful blowsy look. Doll is the word that comes to mind when I think of Marilyn as she really did look like a china doll with her porcelain skin and lovely flaxen hair. Her famed hourglass figure and voloptuos curves represent in my opinion an ideal for women, and one sadly that very few women seem to follow as popular culture pushes women towards getting skinnier and skinnier. Here is what I am talking about…..
Her voice is sultry and filled with that baby girl sexiness and breathy childlike qualities but alternated with deeper breathy seductive tones that made even the most banal sentences seem loaded with flirtatiousness and suggestiveness. Her voice was calm and unhurried and somehow not quite there as if she had just emerged from a beautiful dream.
The second word that comes to mind when I consider Marilyn is SIREN. For she was a sex siren no doubt about it, one that could drive men insane and lead them to feverishly pursue them so that the most rational, logical men lose complete control.
Let us now move on to some of the quotes of this wonderful sex siren
"The body is meant to be seen, not covered up"
"It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on"
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it"
"The trouble with censors is they worry if a girl has cleavage, they should worry if she doesn't have any"
""What do I wear in bed? Why Chanel No 5 of course!"
"I always say that a kiss on the hand feels good but a diamond tiara lasts forever"
"I believe that beauty and femininity are ageless"
Suffice to say I adore Marilyn Monroe, and yes in case you think I am a necrophiliac, I know she is dead but she has achieved immortality through the silver screen and it is her film image that I have fallen in love with. There will only ever be one Marilyn.