April 12, 2006

Things that Piss me off: 1: Sarah Jessiica Parker

Starting a new series of rant, as my recent male menopause has left me grumpy and bad tempered…..........

. A-list stars past their sell by date…...by this I don't mean that I think alll actors and actresses should be in their 20s or 30s. Rather I think that leading men and especially leading women should be in decent shape and reasonably nubile. Case in point Sarah Jessica Parker. I got dragged by a girlie to see Fa1lure to launch her latest fl1ck…and the movie was ruined to me by a wart on her chin I had a grotesque fascination with, not to mention the general botox fixed smile, wrinkly skin and bleach job. Now Sarah is an attractive woman and well preserved for 200 years or however old she is, but if I must watch romantic comedies I at least want to leave smitten with the leading lady and jealous of the leading man, and if I am lucky (Like in that wonderful film matchpoint having erotic dreams for the following week about Scarlett J and Emily Mortimer. They don't make them like they used to. Back in the old days we had Lauren Bacall, Greta Garbo, Audrey Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman, Marilyn Monroe and other technicolour wet dreams. Now we are forced to watch Sarah JP, Jennifer Aniston, Debra Messing, Julia R and those bloody Desperate Housewives..

To make things worse as well as being cosmetically enhanced and not fooling anyone they are all thin as rakes…leaving them as just skin and bones. As someone who likes women of the voloptous ilk like Miss Monroe this is a cardinal sin

I am aware I am being incredibly shallow and not taking acting ability into account but the reality is that movie-star looks should play some weight in accounting for the million dollars they get a film

…I make special exemption for the following women who old as they may be Id marry in a heartbeat

Reese Witherspoon….no sex appeal whatsoever but the sweetest thing ever with her Southern Belle charm

Madonna….ok she may be a bit wrinkly but her charisma and star quality means she is still the same girl I lusted over as a 2 year old in videos such as Like a Virgin and Just like a Prayer

The Bridget Jones girl (forget her name) but cute as hell

Judi Dench…the only actress who acts her age and is all the much better for it. When Im 50 or 60 i wouldn't m1nd waking up next to her! Has the same power and charisma of Mrs Thatcher the original milf

Amer1can g1rl in 4 weddings….stunning and has aged v gracefully

Just to end on a high I want to comment on the damage Desperate Housewives and Sex in the City have done. Is it any wonder the whole social structure is breaking down and marriages collapsing when women get it into their heads that at the age of 40+ they can sleep with a different man every night….I am all for free choice but family is a sacred institution and there should be some shows showing the merits of a good old fashioned wholesome famlily unit in days where women and men worked to keep their marriage strong rather than breaking up at the slightest hitch and giving postal workers and gardeners cheap thrills

(Disclaimer this piece is satirical in nature and designed to provoke rather than representing my actual viiews)

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  1. Reese Witherspoon no sex appeal? Do you even have a pulse?!? She's in my top 5 hottest actresses for sure. Renee Zelwegger (Bridget Jones) I don't really see the appeal of except in Bridget Jones guise, where she has a little appeal. And Andie McDowell to me is about the least attractive actress in history. Mind you, I have a real thing for Martine McCutchen and off the big screen, Sophie Raworth so I guess I'm no authority on taste.

    Generally speaking I must say though that most really popular actresses do well in the looks department. A number are too thin, and not all of them do it for me, but then looks are a very personal and subjective thing. One man's nightmare is another man's dream, as a great rock artist once sang.

    12 Apr 2006, 23:01

  2. And Maggie T being the original Milf? Hmmmmmm!

    12 Apr 2006, 23:03

  3. Reese is without a doubt one of the prettiest actresses on the block…no dispute there. But my personal preference from the sex appeal perspective is curvy girls with big breasts, long legs and bedroom eyes. Reese is more ethereal and classically beautiful rather than sexy

    13 Apr 2006, 00:07

  4. Mr Motivator

    Matt longs his women MANly

    13 Apr 2006, 12:05

  5. I'm already at 21 in my series.

    14 Apr 2006, 00:00

  6. On the subject of Sarah Jessica Parker, everytime I see her perfume adverts with "Lovely on the inside" written across them I have this completely overwhelming urge to scrawl "...Hideous on the outside" underneath in chunky black marker. Luckily for old SJP I rarely have a black marker on me.
    Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest It's been bugging me for quite some time now…

    14 Apr 2006, 15:23

  7. Feel free Mia, let it out!

    On the subject of Sarah Jessica Parker she's lucky they don't have witch hunts any more in US of A.

    14 Apr 2006, 16:22

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