March 15, 2005

My long overdue teenage rebellion against Mummy

I have hinted at my relationship with Mummy in my post on my Oedipal complex. We are very close but she is very smothering and controls me without my realising.

I have only been woken up to her influence over me when my housemates have pointed out to me just how whipped I am. They also mentioned how much I discuss my mother and how she calls me at least 5 times a day and how unnatural it is that I tell my mother absolutely everything. They have also commented on how I tidy my room before my mother comes to visit and start wearing smart clothes, and behave like a completely different person. They have also mentioned my dependence on mother: from sending my clothes home to her to wash, to needing her approval on every decision I make.

Now mother bless her has a plan for me: She wants me to become a lawyer, marry a privately educated, well-spoken English rose who is virginal, modest and willing to stay at home and look after the children, have a maid and a housekeeper, always wear my hair in a sideparting, provide her with lovely blond grandchildren as soon as possible, visit her at least once a week for the rest of my life, and live at home until I get married.

My plan for life is somewhat different: I want to become a teacher, remain a bachelor and have a string of affairs with beautiful women, have a butler or a personal secretary, live in a bachelor pad and leave home as soon as possible, bulk up wear my hair short and generally look like a thug, and if I do marry marry a milionairess and stay at home and watch TV and write books while she earns a living.

These plans are somewhat opposed and I realise the only way to realise my dream life is to start standing up to mother. I am going to start small and once I have one a few initial battles, up the ante.

Here is what I have done already

1. Had my hair cut short and abolished the side parting
2. Started bulking

Here is the plan for commencing weeks…..

1. Investigate the possibility of switching to a teaching career-preferably a girls grammar school: I will last two weeks before being sent to jail but the two weeks will be worth it

2. Refuse to tidy my room when she comes over and tell our cleaner to leave my room alone as I like it messy

3. To put a halt to the five times daily phonecalls get a new phone with a new number and leave the other phone switched off so she only gets the answer phone. The answer machine message will be as follows: Two girls giggling and saying Matthew is unable to take your call right now as he is busy pleasuring us.

3. Deliberately go out with girls who mother would disapprove of: namely state school educated girls with common accents. Chavettes would be the ultimate step in rebellion. In the past my mother has expressed disapproval of friendships I have had with girls of other religions, as she is convinced they are trying to convert me. So bringing home a girl with another faith and insisting on practicing it with her in front of family would be wonderful.

4. Change my religion from Christianity to something like Jainism, Buddhism or Hinduism.

5. Leave home and set up residence in a Bachelor flat somewhere seedy like Pimlico.

Should I reach stage 5 I will be truly independent of Mummy's influence and probably will be cut off or more likely disowned. But I will be free for the first time in my life, even though I will miss Mummy, especially her cooking.

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  1. Maybe you should stop calling her mummy!

    P.s. Matt there is nothing wrong with being close with your mum and if you are insistent of undertaking an independent path may sure you don't end up regrettfully hurting her. remember girls may come and go but your mum with love you no matter what!

    15 Mar 2005, 15:44

  2. Sarah, please don't make the mistake of taking me seriously.

    15 Mar 2005, 16:19

  3. but its so fun to…...........

    16 Mar 2005, 18:30

  4. Just some general advice to my readers. Don't listen to a word Sarah says, she is an evil woman whose idea of a practical joke is blending innocent bunny rabbits and suffocating them in a plastic bag. She is also a kleptomaniac (compulsive thief as I doubt she knows what kleptomaniac means) and her recent thefts include a DVD of Edward Scissorhands, various items from her department and a bunny rabbit which did not belong to her.

    16 Mar 2005, 19:33

  5. But I like her really…....

    16 Mar 2005, 19:34

  6. so which of you is going to pay for the hotel room you should be sharing rather than filling this blog with your flirting?! :)

    16 Mar 2005, 21:34

  7. Well, given her criminal tendencies and cruelty to animals (my mother loves rabbits) and lack of modesty, it would be a perfect act of rebellion against mother as she would not approve but unfortunately I don't think the lovely Sarah would cooperate.

    16 Mar 2005, 22:53

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