April 24, 2006

!nterv!ews Part 1 (fl!ppant)

Today was yet another interview. if memory serves correctly my 20th or thereabouts. Usually for city type jobs you get a screening interview from some dumb blonde who phones you and asks you "competency questions". These phone interviews are all the rage. Some of the most reputable companies use them. Which is odd considering they consist of some dumb blonde without a GCSE to her name earnestly reads questions from a sheet and asking you to speak slowly because she didn't go to secretarial college and can't do shorthand.

Today i actually got invite to the company for an onsite interview. While it is one hell of a hassle not to mention expensive getting from Cambridge to the City, it does usually mean you get to talk to someone important who is in the position to give you a job or at least invite you to a selection centre.

But no that was not to be. While i was waiting in reception, my long legs outstretched and my face set in the id rather watch hell freeze over expression, a pretty young thing with a short skirt comes into the room. i raise an eyebrow at her and smile a lascivious smile mentally estimating her a confidence interval for her bra size (see stats is useful!).

She says to me "Are you Mr Rogers?"

i stifle my desire to say "Why, would you like to be Mrs Rogers?" and nod.
She replies " im G and ill be interviewing you today".
i roll my eyes thinking was hoping for someone more senior but maybe she is some shit hot career gal type.

This notion was dispelled as she sat me down and began to HR speak at me. This consists of a series of cliched questions narrated in a monotone. Here is how i would have liked to answer

Her: Why did you apply to us?
Me: Cos you pay well and i need the money to pay child support and fund my hooker habit
Her: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: i have a talent for timewasting, having studied econometrics i can predict any financial or economic variable to the nearest billion, and i can produce powerpoint presentations with a theme tune and animated dollar signs
Her: Do you have any medical problems
Me Yes but you'll only catch them if you sleep with me
Her: How do you see a typical day as a research analyst
Me: Arrive late and hungover. Spend most of the day harassing secretaries. Take long business lunches with fictional company executives all of whom seem to be female, young and unprofessionally dressed. Then space out for a few hours, then count the seconds till my day is up.
Her: Have you applied to any other companies?
Me: Yes they all rejected me, that's why i applied to you
Her: Do you have any questions youd like to ask me?
Me: Yeah what is your company on workplace romance (raises an eyebrow)?

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