Im getting to that certain age. Friends of mine are already engaged or talking of marriage (if you are reading this Thomas dump her and we'll live together as swinging bachelors). My mother is getting to the second biological clock…when they start wanting grandmothers before they are packed off into nursing homes or go insane. My pa bless him in his advancing years wants grandchildren too. As the eldest child I am very soon approaching the age where rather than discouraging me from marriage (because you're just children) my parents are now taking an active interest in my love life (or rather the lack thereof) and starting the "Why did you break up with X" (I reply with a straight face "Because she was a total bitch" or because she is a devil woman who likes devouring men's hearts and spitting them out when they have milked you dry" depending of course as to who dumped who)...I digress
But at this relatively early age the thought of a relationship let alone marriage wakes me up in a cold sweat. But I hear you say "Love is a beautiful thing", "You just haven't met the right girl", "You haven't met the right man" "Don't you want to live happily ever after and have children to achieve immortality via passing your totally awesome genes onto your lucky descendants" or "I really…...care" or some variant of all these.
Well let me outline my case and then you can start with the insults.
Proposition 1: 50% of marriages end in divorce. Most of the ones that don't end in divorce are together only because they are staying together for the sake of the children or because they don't want to lose face. Im nothing special why should I be in the lucky x percent who are in relatively happy marriages
Proposition 2: Once you marry a girl a good percent of them will either balloon in weight, turn into a nagging bitch, or stop wearing those sexy low cut jeans and start wearing Laura Ashley dresses. While she is your girlfriend and there are few ties between you she has to avoid doing any of those things for risk of losing you.
Proposition 3: Why get the cow when you can have the milk for free? Marriage at the best of times is hard work. Even the happiest couples have arguments (the same holds for relationships to a lesser degree)...I hate conflict (unless it involves mudwrestling with beautiful women…although they could probably kick my ass). I also need loads and I mean loads of quiet time and hate responsibility of any form, did I mention Im also totally selfish and hate doing anything I don't want to do
Proposition 4: Im totally unemployable and doubt Ill be able to hold down a steady income let alone afford school fees or clothes for my wife. My father makes a six figure salary, married late so he was at his peak earning power at time of marriage and made a killing on the stock market in the 80s. But he still at the age of 70 is working a 70 hour week just because my mother (and us with school fees and uni living expenses) burn his money faster than even he can earn it. Now there is no way Im goiing to make the sort of money he's making and I doubt Im going to get much in the way of inheritance, and having been totally spoilt and got some very expensive habits by the time my needs are met there will be little left for wifey or kids and I would feel awful of not giving my family the advantages ive had (and mostly taken for granted) .
Proposition 5: There is no way I could be with one woman for the rest of my life. Im totally fickle, I fall in love with a different girl every week. Once Ive seduced a girl (read dropped on my knees, turned on the waterworks and begged her to go out with me) I generally lose interest and move on to the next challenge. Did I mention Im totally shallow and choose girls mostly on their looks and then only later find out they are invariably spoilt and bitches. Also arrogant as I am, Im pretty much regular looking and most of the beauties i fancy are totally out of my league.
The only real reason I would consider marriage is to have children and as outlined above Id make a terrible father…...so the solution?
First as the totally sexist Deeson (Agony Uncle for GQ) advises date 24 and 44 year old women but totally avoid women in their thirties as the former are in their prime and have so many options they don't tend to want to ruin their fun by getting with child. The latter barring genetic luck or expensive medical treatments generally can't get with child.
Odds are eventually Ill get some poor girl pregnant and she does not want to abort it. Then I say to her "Look babydoll, marriage isn't for me and tbh I don't love you. But I support your decision to have the child and in addition to the overly generous welfare payments you are entitled to as a single mother by our socialist government, Ill give you generous child support payments so the kid won't end up like me.
Get in a relationship with a girl (or rather get lucky!) and accidentally get her pregnant as a result of