All entries for Tuesday 22 March 2005
March 22, 2005
You are all about to leave university (or the playground of life as I call it) and will be moving into jobs in large corporations. Fear not for if you master the Shirk Ethic this will be a completely painless transition.
As a philosopher, racounteur and bon vivant, the thought of mental or physical effort in the workplace pains me. Yet to fund my extravagant lifestyle requires money. Thereofore I needed to find a way of earning money effortlessly. The answer is of course SHIRKING (doing the minimum amount of work possible without getting sacked) This is a fine art so without further ado let the lesson begin…...
1. First impressions last so for the first week work hard and gradually tailor off the effort until you are doing sweet f.a. Your boss will have pigeonholed you as a star employee who can do no wrong!
2. Attitude is everything. Be enthusiastic, smile all the time and use all the charm you have at your disposal. If everyone likes you they will be blind to the fact you are doing no work. To further increase popularity offer to buy sandwiches, make the coffee, give birthday presents, bake cakes etc. If you succeed, you will be so popular that sacking you will result in your co-workers rallying behind you and striking until you are re-instated.
3. Hide your intelligence. Let's face it as Warwick graduates we are smarter than the average bear. A carefully guarded secret is that employers don't like intelligence as it makes you a threat to their jobs. Create a veil of ignorance so that when you accomplish tasks that are child's play for someone of your intellect, your boss will think you are working really hard! Furthermore if faced by a challenging task play dumb and pretend you don't understand what your boss is asking you to do. He will lose patience and do it himself, but cannot excuse you of being lazy!
4. Seduce the company secretary (WARNING check she isn't married first-trust me!). This is best achieved via strategic use of e-mails (see Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones' diary for examples), lunch dates and alcohol after work. Flirt with her at all times until she falls for your charm. For more read my primers on caddery, charm etc…..The benefits are immense: Illicit encounters in the stationary cupboard and the boss' desk, a willing slave to do your photocopying, type letters etc. and best of all she will be able to divert the workload away from you. Be careful though as the boss will get jealous if you are caught.
5. Use your body as a secret weapon (especially for females). Wear short skirts, tight tops, stragetically drop things and bend over, giggle and say how clever your male co-workers are. Sleep with whoever necessary to get promotions. Don't try this in a public school boy dominated company (like Coutts or Cazenove or the Civil Service) as they are all gay-although if male then use tips as for females with exception of short skirts. Later on blackmail your boss for promotions, pay increases etc. and if sacked claim sexual harassment having kept a careful record of flirtatious e-mails. Delete all reciprocal e-mails from his computer.
6. Learn the art of staring at the computer screen or pretending to read. Everyone will think you are working….while in reality you are planning your next blog entry, contemplating life or planning your social life
7. Be the company socialite. Get your co-workers and boss to the best parties, hook them up with pretty women/men. Invite them to raucous houseparties and befriend them all. Play golf with them, arrange theatre trips, football matches, visits to lap dancing establishments (essential if you work in investment wanking) The reward will be your popularity goes through roof with desirable consequences as discussed earlier.
8. Take 2 hour lunchbreaks but be sure to arrive first and leave last….this will be noticed while chances are as everyone is taking lunchbreaks at different times they will not notice your prolonged absence.
9. Do shirk experience to practice the art of shirking as otherwise you will get sacked early on having not learnt how to get the balance right. As we speak I am in a law firm writing this blog….having done no work all day and having taken the company secretary out for lunch!
10. If worst comes to the worse and you get sacked plead unfair dismissal, sexual harassment, discrimination (i once successfully claimed that they were discrimating against me because i was blonde!). Also collect lots of dirt on your boss (affairs with staff, homosexual encounters at school-given if he is public school, etc) and rally your co-workers behind you gettting them to strike to reinstate you