All entries for Thursday 17 March 2005
March 17, 2005
Sadly I cannot claim full credit for this code of conduct for macho men, but I have added a few of my own:
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
4 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.
5 You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
6 If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
7 If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
8 Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
9 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
10 No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
11 A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
12 It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
13 If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
14 Under no circumstances can a man be seen consuming fruity chick drinks unless he is on a tropical beach and being served by a topless supermodel and the drink is free
15 No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Hopefully some of you will be familiar with the character Jeeves from P.G. Wodehouse's hilarious books. As he was one of my school's most famous old boys I was fed a diet of Wodehouse from a very young age and grew to love the high jinks and scrapes that Jeeves rescued Bertie from on a regular basis. My dream has always been to have a Jeeves of my own.
BRIEF DESCRIPTION FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT
Jeeves is a butler who has an admirable knack for solving people's problems no matter how complicated. He is what you might call a Agony Uncle of his times. He was in the employment of a Bertie Wooster, a cheerful but completely brainless man about town-The original "Tim nice but dim", who idly spent his days lunching with friends at The Drones (a gentlemans club in London), and enjoying long sojourns at the abodes of his various aunts, often falling in love with delightful debutantes along the way.
BACK TO THE MAIN ESSENCE OF MY ESSAY
Yes, I would love to have a Jeeves figure to look after me in my London bachelor pad. Cook me bacon and eggs for breakfast with tea and kippers. Help me out in my numerous affairs of the heart. Look dissaprovingly at items of clothing and sulk until I throw them away. Guide me through the various scrapes I get myself in, and most of all a friend and a companion. I think of Jeeves as a mother without the disobedience and the orders
I have done some research into the feasibility of hiring a butler to live with me in my bachelor pad in London and unfortunately the annual fees of 80000 a year are somewhat out of my price range.
I have come up with an ingenious solution.
May I introduce to you all my two brothers David and Steven
Here is Steven being corrupted by yours truly (he is merely 16)
Steven would make an excellent butler, mainly because he does whatever I tell him to do, is a pushover and is excellent company and very cheerful and amiable. He is an excellent cook and specialises in bakery so he could keep me well fed.
His slight weakness is the fact that although he is pretty as a picture he is not the brightest spark, as this picture of him struggling to understand the sports pages demonstrates.
This is David. He is 6 foot 6 and built like a rugger player and as such would make an excellent bodyguard, although as i boxed at school and have never lost a fight this is not essential. He is about to flunk medical school as he spends all his time gambling and playing Bridge for England.
He is also an excellent driver if somewhat dangerous (his claim to fame is driving his Nissan Micra at 110mph on an A road in Stoneleigh) and as I am never going to drive anytime soon would make an excellent chauffeur. Furthermore he is an alcoholic and can make the best cocktails. I once visited his university room and almost fainted for the drink fumes although he was kind enough to revive me with some of the finest Brandy.
I am convinced he will end up as either a croupier or professional gambler in Las Vegas (he makes around 1000 a month playing online poker) or barring that a cocktail bartender at the Young Chelsea a bridge club he regularly frequents. Either way I am hoping to tempt him with an offer to be my chauffeur and instruct me in the arts of gambling so I can emulate his winnings.