All entries for Tuesday 15 March 2005

March 15, 2005

An interview with Matthew: All you never wanted to know and never intended to ask

Following the trendsetters Kimmy and Tommy and embracing narcissism I have decided to interview myself. And for once I am going to be serious in most of my answers.

Matthew I hear you are bulking, what does this entail?

Well, lifting heavy weights, drinking a gallon of milk a day along with a couple of cans of tuna and a few steaks and pork chops, and doing as little physical exertion as possible outside of the gym and the kitchen

Matthew, what are your political beliefs?

I am a neo-Liberal and believe in small government, low taxes and letting market forces and Capitalism work. I have Conservative views on a whole host of subjects such as morality, law and order and immigration. And believe in clamping down on immoral behaviour, immigration and violent crimes. My heros are Margarent Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and William Hague.

Who is your role model in life?

James Bond is my role model and I try and emulate him in every aspect of my life: his sophistication, his mastery of the innuendo, his decadent lifestyle, his weakness for pretty girls, and his loyalty to his country.

I hear you have a creative side?

Yes, I write love poetry, compose my own songs and play the saxophone and piano. I am currently in the process of producing an album and an anthology of Love Poems, avaliable at leading record and book stores very soon

So how is your love life?

Single and not looking (well that is if you don't count Tesco Check out girls and the schoolgirls that are a constant presence at lunchtime at TEsco in leamington). Let us just say that I am concentrating on my studies for now and unless a girl threw herself at me, I would be unlikely to exert the effort required to chase skirts.

What do you look for in a woman?

Well the Satin Doll list was very much tongue in cheek. Looks are important to me, as I have always had a fondness for pretty girls. But personality is very important and cheap physical attraction does not do it for me hence I rarely frequent union events. A sense of humour or the ability to laugh convincingly at my jokes is essential, as is a giving nature, and what I describe as feminine charm. Similar social background and moral values are essential too, as well as some overlap in interests. Bonus points if you are a Conservative. Unfortunately I can count on my fingers the number of girls at this university I know who fit these criteria.

So what do you like most about yourself?

Difficult question. There is so much. Probably my staunch conservatism, my unique fashion sense, my unwavering moral values, my extensive vocabulary, my excellent taste in music, and my modesty

So what would you change about yourself if anything?

Well I have always wanted to be a girl…........joking! Well looking like a movie star would be nice for a start. It would also be nice to be more outgoing as I find socialising a real effort and a chore. I also wish I was able to relax more as I am very much a Type A personality and very prone to success.

What do others want to change about me?

Well I only have my housemates to go on and they complain about my sleaziness, as I don't think they realise it is completely tongue in cheek and out of boredom as much as anything else. When I actually like a girl I am polite and charming and not at all sleazy.

My extreme views on subjects like fox-hunting (It is a good thing), inhertance tax (abolish it!), education (private schools offer a better quality of education), social equality-there is nothing wrong with the rich being able to afford better education, healthcare etc. as it is an incentive to get rich and hence the foundation of a capitalist system, the death penalty (bring back), Maggie Thatcher (saint)

What are your dreams in life

1. A career which I enjoy, find rewarding and allows me to serve others.
2. A happy marriage with a girl I am crazy about who feels the same way about me, and who is not only gorgeous but also great company, supportive, loyal and giving. While I see figures of spiralling divorce rates and loveless marriages, I am a strong believer that there happy marriages are a realistic dream, but believe that most people get married for the wrong reasons, so I would be very selective in the choice of Mrs Rogers.
3. An amateur career as a Motown or Jazz singer
4. Eventually to become Conservative Prime Minister
5. Enough money to maintain the cushy lifestyle I am used to.

What are your vices?

My main vices are pretty women, cocktails, gambling, indecent exposure

PRETTY WOMEN I cannot resist a pretty woman (although they are prettty good at resisting me) and no attractive woman is safe from my amorous advances, and lascivious stares.

COCKTAILS I generally drink these until I am too drunk to order any more. Drunkeness is usually displayed in the form of crazy dancing, stripping and laughing at the slightest thing and slurring and lisping. Bumping into things and falling over is another sign I am pissed.

GAMBLING My main weakness is playing bridge for money at London clubs for high stakes. I am a damn good bridge player so I usually do well, but I have sustained heavy losses. I also love betting on horses, and am a huge fan of strip poker but unfortunately can never find any willing participants so am forced to play alone….

INDECENT EXPOSURE I have the distinction of a criminal record in France and spending a night in a French jail. After a drunken apres-ski party where toffee vodka was poured down my throat by a gorgeous blonde Danish barmaid, I was inspired to streak through the rues of Val D'Isere. Unfortunately the gendarmie were not amused and proceeded to arrest me on the grounds of drunkeness and indecent exposure. Making a pass at the female gendarme in reflection was not the best form of advocacy. The following day fresh from my release I skiied down the Alps in a kilt worn Scottish style causing several female skiiers to crash into trees following a gust of wind. I have restrained myself at Warwick but i fear my housemates will never forget the memory of me dancing to Bee Gees in boxers and pouring beer over myself.

What are your greatest regrets in life?

Good question, Matthew. You are a veritable Paxman.
My greatest regrets are not taking a gap year and having another shot at Oxbridge, being too shy to ask out E. a gorgeous girl who seemed very keen on me, turning down a gorgeous blonde at a school disco on finding she was an Arsenal supporter, and not trying for Westminster for sixth form entry despite having had a bloody good chance of getting in.

Who is your best friend?

My best friend is called F. He is the funniest, sweetest man I have ever met and has been a constant companion throughout my university life.

What cosmetic products do you use?

I use St Ives Apricot Scrub for my face, wet shave with Mach 3 razor, and use Old Spice aftershave occasionally alternating with Oscar for men. I use L'Oreal for men shampoo and use Brilliantine (wax) in my hair.

What is your philosophy for life?

Don't take yourself too seriously and see the funny side of life. I used to be incredibly serious and while I still am, I have learnt to laugh at myself and am not scared of making a fool of myself. In fact I take great delight in being deliberately obtuse Far too many people are too serious all the time and never have any fun. As such I deliberately let myself be childish and schoolboyish and lark around. I have also learnt that no matter how bad life appears or a situation appears with enough effort you can always find a funny side or make light of your situation. Humour is the ultimate smokescreen and when I am feeling gloomy I find the best thing I can do is to force myself to joke, laugh and lark around.

My long overdue teenage rebellion against Mummy

I have hinted at my relationship with Mummy in my post on my Oedipal complex. We are very close but she is very smothering and controls me without my realising.

I have only been woken up to her influence over me when my housemates have pointed out to me just how whipped I am. They also mentioned how much I discuss my mother and how she calls me at least 5 times a day and how unnatural it is that I tell my mother absolutely everything. They have also commented on how I tidy my room before my mother comes to visit and start wearing smart clothes, and behave like a completely different person. They have also mentioned my dependence on mother: from sending my clothes home to her to wash, to needing her approval on every decision I make.

Now mother bless her has a plan for me: She wants me to become a lawyer, marry a privately educated, well-spoken English rose who is virginal, modest and willing to stay at home and look after the children, have a maid and a housekeeper, always wear my hair in a sideparting, provide her with lovely blond grandchildren as soon as possible, visit her at least once a week for the rest of my life, and live at home until I get married.

My plan for life is somewhat different: I want to become a teacher, remain a bachelor and have a string of affairs with beautiful women, have a butler or a personal secretary, live in a bachelor pad and leave home as soon as possible, bulk up wear my hair short and generally look like a thug, and if I do marry marry a milionairess and stay at home and watch TV and write books while she earns a living.

These plans are somewhat opposed and I realise the only way to realise my dream life is to start standing up to mother. I am going to start small and once I have one a few initial battles, up the ante.

Here is what I have done already

1. Had my hair cut short and abolished the side parting
2. Started bulking

Here is the plan for commencing weeks…..

1. Investigate the possibility of switching to a teaching career-preferably a girls grammar school: I will last two weeks before being sent to jail but the two weeks will be worth it

2. Refuse to tidy my room when she comes over and tell our cleaner to leave my room alone as I like it messy

3. To put a halt to the five times daily phonecalls get a new phone with a new number and leave the other phone switched off so she only gets the answer phone. The answer machine message will be as follows: Two girls giggling and saying Matthew is unable to take your call right now as he is busy pleasuring us.

3. Deliberately go out with girls who mother would disapprove of: namely state school educated girls with common accents. Chavettes would be the ultimate step in rebellion. In the past my mother has expressed disapproval of friendships I have had with girls of other religions, as she is convinced they are trying to convert me. So bringing home a girl with another faith and insisting on practicing it with her in front of family would be wonderful.

4. Change my religion from Christianity to something like Jainism, Buddhism or Hinduism.

5. Leave home and set up residence in a Bachelor flat somewhere seedy like Pimlico.

Should I reach stage 5 I will be truly independent of Mummy's influence and probably will be cut off or more likely disowned. But I will be free for the first time in my life, even though I will miss Mummy, especially her cooking.

March 2005

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