My expensive habits

1. Im too lazy and malcoordinated to drive and hate buses so go everywhere by train and taxi.

2. I hate check out queues at airports and lack of leg room so wherever possible I go business or first class

3. I hate ready meals and am too lazy to cook, so I live on a combination of mum's cooking, junk food and restaurant meals

4. I have a Costa coffee addiction and need it to work. A typical study day involves parking myself in Costa and going through several cups

5. As I have a huge collation of medical problems and hate the NHS,I invariably go private oh and im also a hypochondriac (comes from having loads of relatives who are medics so i know a litany of diseases….and also from taking a term's course in psychology in which i diagnosed myself with generalised anxiety disorder, sociopathic tendencies, an Oedipus complex, Penis envy…which is weird as usually only girls get that…a breast fixation…the list is endless)

6. Im totally new age and go through loads of various vitamins, fish oil capsules and supplements

7. Im a sucker for cosmetic products in my never ending quest for clean skin

8. I love music and get bored of a song after hearing it a few times so go out and buy more

9. I love the pampering you can only get at a upmarket health club, to the tune of close to 1000 a year

10. I have a hooker habit (kidding)

10 (really)....I have aesthetic sensibilitiies which mean I could never liive in a rough area as I adore grassy green suburbia. I will in all likelihood be working in London. You do the figures

Currently I maintain these habits only via a generous parent and a stupid bank manager who has an inflated view of my prospects.

Parent is cutting me off once I get employment and bank manager will come to his sense sooon.

So either I am going to have to cut back or hope I land that I bankiing job!!

But with the latter I am totally lazy and get burnt out tres easily…..

Looks like ascetism from here on in!

: 15 Apr 2006 15:07 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Marriage

Im getting to that certain age. Friends of mine are already engaged or talking of marriage (if you are reading this Thomas dump her and we'll live together as swinging bachelors). My mother is getting to the second biological clock…when they start wanting grandmothers before they are packed off into nursing homes or go insane. My pa bless him in his advancing years wants grandchildren too. As the eldest child I am very soon approaching the age where rather than discouraging me from marriage (because you're just children) my parents are now taking an active interest in my love life (or rather the lack thereof) and starting the "Why did you break up with X" (I reply with a straight face "Because she was a total bitch" or because she is a devil woman who likes devouring men's hearts and spitting them out when they have milked you dry" depending of course as to who dumped who)...I digress

But at this relatively early age the thought of a relationship let alone marriage wakes me up in a cold sweat. But I hear you say "Love is a beautiful thing", "You just haven't met the right girl", "You haven't met the right man" "Don't you want to live happily ever after and have children to achieve immortality via passing your totally awesome genes onto your lucky descendants" or "I really…...care" or some variant of all these.

Well let me outline my case and then you can start with the insults.

Proposition 1: 50% of marriages end in divorce. Most of the ones that don't end in divorce are together only because they are staying together for the sake of the children or because they don't want to lose face. Im nothing special why should I be in the lucky x percent who are in relatively happy marriages

Proposition 2: Once you marry a girl a good percent of them will either balloon in weight, turn into a nagging bitch, or stop wearing those sexy low cut jeans and start wearing Laura Ashley dresses. While she is your girlfriend and there are few ties between you she has to avoid doing any of those things for risk of losing you.

Proposition 3: Why get the cow when you can have the milk for free? Marriage at the best of times is hard work. Even the happiest couples have arguments (the same holds for relationships to a lesser degree)...I hate conflict (unless it involves mudwrestling with beautiful women…although they could probably kick my ass). I also need loads and I mean loads of quiet time and hate responsibility of any form, did I mention Im also totally selfish and hate doing anything I don't want to do

Proposition 4: Im totally unemployable and doubt Ill be able to hold down a steady income let alone afford school fees or clothes for my wife. My father makes a six figure salary, married late so he was at his peak earning power at time of marriage and made a killing on the stock market in the 80s. But he still at the age of 70 is working a 70 hour week just because my mother (and us with school fees and uni living expenses) burn his money faster than even he can earn it. Now there is no way Im goiing to make the sort of money he's making and I doubt Im going to get much in the way of inheritance, and having been totally spoilt and got some very expensive habits by the time my needs are met there will be little left for wifey or kids and I would feel awful of not giving my family the advantages ive had (and mostly taken for granted) .

Proposition 5: There is no way I could be with one woman for the rest of my life. Im totally fickle, I fall in love with a different girl every week. Once Ive seduced a girl (read dropped on my knees, turned on the waterworks and begged her to go out with me) I generally lose interest and move on to the next challenge. Did I mention Im totally shallow and choose girls mostly on their looks and then only later find out they are invariably spoilt and bitches. Also arrogant as I am, Im pretty much regular looking and most of the beauties i fancy are totally out of my league.

The only real reason I would consider marriage is to have children and as outlined above Id make a terrible father…...so the solution?

Simple

First as the totally sexist Deeson (Agony Uncle for GQ) advises date 24 and 44 year old women but totally avoid women in their thirties as the former are in their prime and have so many options they don't tend to want to ruin their fun by getting with child. The latter barring genetic luck or expensive medical treatments generally can't get with child.

Odds are eventually Ill get some poor girl pregnant and she does not want to abort it. Then I say to her "Look babydoll, marriage isn't for me and tbh I don't love you. But I support your decision to have the child and in addition to the overly generous welfare payments you are entitled to as a single mother by our socialist government, Ill give you generous child support payments so the kid won't end up like me.

Get in a relationship with a girl (or rather get lucky!) and accidentally get her pregnant as a result of

: 14 Apr 2006 22:18 |  Comments (39) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Civilisation….totally addictive

Usually I have little patience for computer games, but Civilisation is an exception. Im hopelessly addicted to the game and it is an emotional rollercoaster as my blood lust is fuelled as I kill more and more units from other civilisations and sack their towns. My machiavellian side is sated as I play other civilisations off against each other and establish a series of satellite states dependent on me whom I use to wage my wars. I have a soft spot for the Aztecs….after all it is a travesty that a civilisation built on ritual sacrifice and fertility ceremonies was destroyed.
Also love being America and taking over the whole world a la Georgie Porgie.

Must go, every single nation has formed a military alliance against me and I must defend the empire

: 13 Apr 2006 20:19 |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Near Death Experiences….

A respected medical journal (I forget which, Ill chase up the article and add a link when i can be bothered) recently acknowledged and documented the existence of near death experiences. As resuscitation techniques have improved these are much more frequent, especially during various operations and surgery. Basically people who have had them talk about things such as feeling as if they were travelling through a dark tunnel towards a bright light, seeing deceased relatives, feeling a calm sense of peace and other out of body experiences.

Is this proof there is life after death, or is it the result of biochemical changes people's brains experience as a result of damage as blood supply falters?

I know sweet FA about the brain or for that matter anything to do with how the body functions, but interesting to speculate.

: 13 Apr 2006 20:10 |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Things 1 can't do without

1. Coffee, pastries and the Telegraph….the perfect start to a day. The former gives you a buzz and removes the last traces of morning grogginess. The second is loaded with fat and sugar giving you both fast release energy and a satiated feeling respectively. The third is an unbiased and authoritative view on the affairs of the week, combining insight and exquisite penmanship

2. Haircuts….there are few things I f!nd more sooth1ng than a ha1rcut. As the nubile assistants fuss over me, pour me copious cups of tea, I lie back and smile blissfully as the hairdresser massages my scalp as she washes my hair and rubs up against me as she cuts my golden tresses. The mirrors are without exception extremely flattering delicately lit to obscure the flaws in my complexion and add a radiant glow to my face. By the time it is over I am sophorific and hand over the extortionate fee without even a wince

3. MTV….completely addicted. Music to me is a drug, it has the power to change my moods: pick me up, make me mellow, soothe emotional turmoil and recreate beautiful memories. The vidoes both augment the emotional effects of the music (prime examples being the amazing Green Day video "When September Ends" which poignantly reminds me of the bliss of young love but the uneasy feeling that it will one day end), they also are full of eye candy both male and female. The prime examples being Madonna videos, Gwen Stefani and Girls Aloud…and for male Usher (love h1s body) and Ricky Martin. I mostly listen to MTV between sets in the gym and I remember when I first saw "Biology". My mouth dropped, my eyes went glassy and my knees went weak. When it ended the guy next to me on whom the video had the exact same effect whistled softly our eyes met and we instantly bonded. Now we are workout partners and are one day planning to go to a Girls Aloud concert

4. New clothes…I love the feeling of new clothes against my skin and the gorgeous feel of a cashmere jumper, a leather jacket or a well creased pair of jeans against my thighs.

5. Exercise….being highly strung and full of nervous energy I get extremely restless and jumpy without my exercise fix. Jogging is excellent for counteracting stress and associated tiredness and leaving me with a runner's high after. Weights are the best nervous tonic there is and excellent outlet for suppressed aggression
5.

: 13 Apr 2006 17:46 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Things that Piss me off: 1: Sarah Jessiica Parker

Starting a new series of rant, as my recent male menopause has left me grumpy and bad tempered…..........

. A-list stars past their sell by date…...by this I don't mean that I think alll actors and actresses should be in their 20s or 30s. Rather I think that leading men and especially leading women should be in decent shape and reasonably nubile. Case in point Sarah Jessica Parker. I got dragged by a girlie to see Fa1lure to launch her latest fl1ck…and the movie was ruined to me by a wart on her chin I had a grotesque fascination with, not to mention the general botox fixed smile, wrinkly skin and bleach job. Now Sarah is an attractive woman and well preserved for 200 years or however old she is, but if I must watch romantic comedies I at least want to leave smitten with the leading lady and jealous of the leading man, and if I am lucky (Like in that wonderful film matchpoint having erotic dreams for the following week about Scarlett J and Emily Mortimer. They don't make them like they used to. Back in the old days we had Lauren Bacall, Greta Garbo, Audrey Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman, Marilyn Monroe and other technicolour wet dreams. Now we are forced to watch Sarah JP, Jennifer Aniston, Debra Messing, Julia R and those bloody Desperate Housewives..

To make things worse as well as being cosmetically enhanced and not fooling anyone they are all thin as rakes…leaving them as just skin and bones. As someone who likes women of the voloptous ilk like Miss Monroe this is a cardinal sin

I am aware I am being incredibly shallow and not taking acting ability into account but the reality is that movie-star looks should play some weight in accounting for the million dollars they get a film

…I make special exemption for the following women who old as they may be Id marry in a heartbeat

Reese Witherspoon….no sex appeal whatsoever but the sweetest thing ever with her Southern Belle charm

Madonna….ok she may be a bit wrinkly but her charisma and star quality means she is still the same girl I lusted over as a 2 year old in videos such as Like a Virgin and Just like a Prayer

The Bridget Jones girl (forget her name) but cute as hell

Judi Dench…the only actress who acts her age and is all the much better for it. When Im 50 or 60 i wouldn't m1nd waking up next to her! Has the same power and charisma of Mrs Thatcher the original milf

Amer1can g1rl in 4 weddings….stunning and has aged v gracefully

Just to end on a high I want to comment on the damage Desperate Housewives and Sex in the City have done. Is it any wonder the whole social structure is breaking down and marriages collapsing when women get it into their heads that at the age of 40+ they can sleep with a different man every night….I am all for free choice but family is a sacred institution and there should be some shows showing the merits of a good old fashioned wholesome famlily unit in days where women and men worked to keep their marriage strong rather than breaking up at the slightest hitch and giving postal workers and gardeners cheap thrills

(Disclaimer this piece is satirical in nature and designed to provoke rather than representing my actual viiews)

: 12 Apr 2006 22:30 |  Comments (7) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Pepsi Max…modern day ambrosia

One of the few things I would find it hard to do without is Pepsi Max that black gold coloured drink with maximum taste and no sugar. Unliike Diet Coke, Pepsi Max does not have the same metallic aftertaste instead having a deliightfully caramel aftertaste that tantalises the taste buds. The aspartame (the much demonised sweetener which has to be linked to everything from cancer to ADHD to depression) blends with the caffeiine to give one a nice buzz, an euphoria which lasts a few hours after consumption. Like all fizzy drinks it is best served ice cold, preferably out of either a 2 litre bottle or a can. Siphoned pepsi max is not so good, although the exception is Pizza Hut which does a splendid siphon brew which is a natural complement to the fat-laden pizza they serve.

One thing I have never understood is why Pepsi produce Diet Pepsi which is in every respect inferior to Pepsi Max. Additionally iI was disappointed with Pepsi Max Cino, which far from tasting like Cappucino had a siickly vanilla/syrup style taste. Not pleasant at all

For the health conscious dipsomaniacs Pepsi Max also produces a wonderful Long Island Ice Tea and Bacardi and Coke.

: 08 Apr 2006 21:33 |  Comments (5) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Real men moisturise

A female friend recently commented on the increasing trend for men to moisturise and exfoliate. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. These days men wear pink, spend thousands on cosmetic products, style their hair using three different "products" (yes I said it products)blow their salaries on cosmetic surgery and spend most of their free time toning their muscles and admiring their reflection in the mirror. They drink "Cosmopolitans" and "Mojitos".

This social phenonemon has been labelled metrosexuality by a lot of commentators with Daviid Beckham one of its many poster boys.
A definition I pulled from the web:
"An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends most of his tiime and money on his appearance and lifestyle"

This is by no means a new phenonemon…dandies such as Beau Brummel dominated the social scene over 100 years ago and you only have to look at pictures of foppish aristocrats with petulant expressions, exquisite clothes and wigs.

When did this start? you may ask. Thiis is the wrong question. Male vanity has always been latent but until recently confined to careers like modelling, pop (think Bowie) and arty sets. The question is how did it become mainstream?

I believe the answer lies in the influential men's magazines such as Esquire and GQ which filled their glossy magazines with narcisstic young men sporting fashionable clothing and accessories. As the excesses and greed of 80s corporate America provided young men with money to burn these urbanites were able to blow their huge salaries on status symbols such as designer clothes, permantans and honed bodies. The best illustration of this is found in the book "American Psycho" by Brett Easton Ellis a wonderful satirical look at the materialism and consumerism of the 80s. Patrick Bateman in extensive details describes his grooming habits and workout program and in conversations with identifit clones reveals his extensive knowledge about style and fashion etiquette. "Vogue" by Madonna also summed up this era.

Media has always had a great influence on society and along with mass production, rising incomes and the resulting consumerism it has created a society obsessed by appearance propogated by the genetic celebrities who fill glossy magazines, television advertiisements and film and music industry. Image is everything these days and takes prioriity over talent and substance. These airbrushed and cosmetiically enhanced celebrities inspire envy and from it imitation both from women and men.

No wonder that men now moisturise and exfoliate.

: 08 Apr 2006 17:43 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

The importance of a morning ritual

Costa in my opinion does the best coffee….hot, rich flavour with just the right degree of bitterness, and gives me a nice kick. Ive found this wonderful little cafe on the way to my lectures which serves Costa Coffee (although it isn't a Costa cafe)...they also serve amaziing iced danishes.

As I am a zombie if I am forced to wake up before midday I have developed a morning ritual a pagan cult would be proud to claim as their own….I splash water on my face then use an apricot scrub to remove the excess dead skin cells and leave my face tingling. I then moisturise to give my face a youthful glow and protect myself from the ravages of the elements. After dressing I then make a beeline for the cafe, purchasing a Telegraph on the way. I greet the waitress with a pleasant smile nodding as she asks me if I want the usual. I pay her leaving a generous tip as I sit down waiting till the caffeine buzz kicks in. I do the crossword then satisfiied with my mental acuity I briskly stroll to my morning lecture timing it so I arrive late enough to make an entrance but not so late that I risk embarassment or miss the pearls of wisdom my lecturer rarely distills

: 07 Apr 2006 19:08 |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Expose on life in the Cambridge Bubble

Been six months now in Cambridge and while as a graduate I am somewhat out of the mainstream university life nevertheless have a bit of insight into what it is really like at Cambridge. Here are a few observations

1. The intellectual snobbery is seriously overbearing. Virtually everyone styles themselves as intellectuals and do not miss a single opportunity to display their "intelligence". A typical exchange I had recently:

Making small talk to a girl at a social dinner (the conversation moves onto literature)

Me; Yeah so what are you reading
Her: i'm reading the portrait of a lady by henry james… hardy said about james he has a "ponderously warm manner of saying nothing in infinite sentences" which is about right.
Me (thinking to myself…you and henry james have a lot in common…)

2. There is this odd obsession with rowing. I mean virtually everyone does it…why I have no iidea. Tried it for a term but gave up as getting up at 6am, breaking into a sweat and having dinner with girl rowers with bigger muscles than me is not my idea of fun

3. Cambridge students work far too hard the libraries are overpacked and the queues for vacation borrowing are a mile long

4. After a couple of weeks all the state school students and grammar school students have perfected a plummy accent and start wearing pashminas and leather brogues and rugby shirts with turned up collars and are virtually undistinguishable from ex public school boys

5. Virtually every student is bordering on alcoholiism. Formal halls and college bars are scary as the blood alcohol levels of the occupants are sky high.

: 04 Apr 2006 13:22 |  Comments (4) |  Close comments |  Report a problem