I am a member of a gym. It is probably the only clean-living part of my life and prevents all the junk food I eat from being turned into unsightly rolls of fat. I also quite enjoy it in a masochistic kind of way. I like the idea that I am paying to do manual labour and it makes me feel less soft and pampered. I kid myself that if I worked on a farm, a gulag, or in a coal mine or as a lumberjack I would not be found wanting.
I take particular pleasure in simulating death as i heave heavy weights and groan in agony, all the while keeping my eyes glued on the conveniently positioned mirrors which seem to plaster the walls in any decent gym. I don’t know how they do it but the gym mirrors are incredibly flattering. I am quite happy to stare at myself as I curl dumbells for hours, when usually I avoid mirrors like the plague.
What I also like about gyms is that there is a sort of brotherhood amongst the men, at least when there are no females around. A common ritual consists of asking a man to “spot” you. This consists of him standing over you while you bench press (lying supine lower an iron bar with weights attached to your chest and then press the bar towards the heavens). Generally it is de rigeur to use far more weight than you can manage while having your “spotter” hold the bar and say “it’s all you”. The “spotter” is also required to shout “push”, “come on baby” “one more rep”. For this is the closest men come to the pain of giving birth.
Other male bonding activities consist of complimenting each other. This is analogous to women complimenting each other on their hair. But with homosexual undertones. And less bitchy and envious. Actually that is not true. Often it is VERY bitchy and VERY envious.
“Wow nice abs. Cubed, dude!”
“Whoa tight glutes. What do you do to tone those peachy buttocks of yours?”
“Love those guns. Can I have a feel? (feels and emits a contented purr)
Of course to lose one’s respect for mankind entirely it is worth flicking through a muscle magazine featuring bloated and oversized boy-men. Invariably these men are “posing”. Or to be more specific flexing their muscles while marinaded in orange fake tan and wearing briefs the size of a postage stamp. Of course these guys are on steroids, but all of them when asked what their life goal is reply “To be even bigger”.
But I am digressing.
All joking aside there is a camaderie which is quite nice. Even if you are skin and bones like me you get respect from the other guys just for trying and going past your comfort zone. Most of life is concentrated with eliminating pain, instead pampering us all to a life of comfort and ignoble ease. Going to a gym with the intention of putting your body through agony all in the quest of vanity. Well that is something very very noble.
Of course it is pretty much wasted effort if like me you are too lazy and stressed to eat properly and often skip workouts because I am feeling tired. Consistency and discipline is the key to improving one’s physique and neither of those traits are my fortes but when I do get things together I am amazed at what is possible even for someone like me with very poor genetics.
Moving swiftly on to girls girls girls.
Girls are branded into two varieties in gyms. Gym bunnies and regular mortals.
The latter are the everyday english gal who scrubs up nicely but in sweat pants and panting for breath and red faced aren’t the most attractive sight in the world. But I have a lot of respect for them. Too many girls these days eat crap, don’t exercise and get away with it while they are very very young but then get older and get married and then balloon in weight and wonder why their men aren’t attracted to them anymore.
Gym bunnies are the girls who never sweat. Who look like they’ve stepped off the catwalk even after an hour on the treadmill. Unlike the other girls who wear sweatpants and baggy T-shirts and look incredibly embarassed and self-conscious the whole time; they wear very very very little. Very tight hotpants and a low cut T-shirt that clings to their
toned hard bodies. They have a haughty expression and if they catch you staring at them glare at you and make you feel very very ashamed of yourself.
Like today there was this girl in denim shorts around the size of postage stamp which served only to accentuate her long long legs which were toned and tan. She was doing some sort of yoga routine.
In the end I could not take it any longer and rushed out of the gym and went home and turned on the TV and watched Carmen Electra’s aerobic striptease for some good healthy guilt-free leering.
Many times I have been trying to work out lines to talk to these girls all the while being very aware that
a) They are probably stronger than me
b) I would hate to get expelled from the gym for sexual harassment
c) That these goddesses would never want to go out with a mere mortal like me
But I cast these negative thoughts out of my mind and brainstorm while I mindlessly pedal on the stationary bike. And come up with some sample pick up lines
But first of all I think to myself I should pay more attention to my appearance
So starting with attire I think the following should cut it
Tight lycra shorts, a head band, a wife beater with “Lonsdale” on it….(so she thinks I box)....and a towel with a puppy on (so she knows I am sweet and sensitive)
Now for the hard part: finding an excuse to talk to her
Came up wit the following
1) The macho approach
Accost her once she has finished her set and ask her if I can “work in with her” (alternate exercises). Then when it is my turn load the bar up with much more weight than I can handle, ask her to spot me, end up crawling from underneath the bar with an embarassed look on my face, and then say “Well, er, just coming back from injury y’know. Then ask if I can spot her and deliberately while she is not looking add an extra plate or two to the bar so she ends up struggling and I get to rescue her from impeding death. Then in her gratitude she says “Why thank you sir, where would I be without ah strong hunk of a man like you”
2) The X-rated approach
Me: “Mmm, I see you are working your thighs”
Her: “Yes I sure am
Me: I know a great exercise for that
Her: “Oooh tell me tell me, I want nice toned legs like yours
Me: Well it is a partnership exercise
Her: How do you mean?
Me: Well it is an exercise you do with a partner
Her: You have me intrigued, teach me
Me: Well it works best on a bed, the bed, ah, because it is soft it adds to the resistance of the exercise making it tougher
Her: Makes sense, lets go!
3) The compliment approach
Me: Hello, I don’t mean to disturb you, but I just wanted to say I love your definition and the symettry of your physique
Her: Thank you (warily)
Me: Do you er want to grab a protein shake with me afterwards so we can discuss training, life and how many children we are going to have?
Her: (slaps my face)