And the answers are…
Here is a full set of answers, including some answers that would have got you bonus marks:
1. What is my name?
Michael Philip Arthur. I don't like it and want to change my surname.
2. Where was I born?
Chesham, Buckinghamshire. I was born at home. I was nearly born down the toilet, but instead was born in the spare bedroom.
3. Where did I go to school?
Greenway school, Chesham (now demolished and they're building houses there). St. Faith & St. Martin, Lincoln. Batt C of E school, Witney. The Henry Box School, Witney. One A-level course at Woodgreen School, Witney.
4. On which wrist do I wear my watch?
Left. It's a Seiko. I used to tie some string round my right wrist, because you never know when a bit of string will come in handy.
5. What are my hobbies?
Tuba playing. Ballroom dancing. Grinning people. Sitting.
6. What is my favourite body part?
On females: Lower back (followed by upper back, eyes, jaw and hair)
On males: Jaw
On me: My manly bosoms. (followed by eyes and calves)
7. Complete the following quote: I wish I was…
Dead. Gay. On drugs. Taller. Shorter. Less prone to wishing for things. Impotent. Proactive. Asleep.
8. What did I want a tattoo of? Where? Why did I decide against it?
St Michael fighting the dragon/devil. Left shoulder blade. A combination of price and not finding a design I like.
9. What type of pet do I want?
A dog. A big brown one. Except I'm allergic to animal hair. I also want a troop of wooly monkies.
10. How do I describe my sexuality?
Many different answers for this one. My current favourite is "a lesbian trapped in a man's body"
11. Red or white wine?
Red. Almost always. A good cabernet for preference. Note: the 2002 Australian wines are a bit crap. That's why they're on offer everywhere
12. Blondes or brunettes? [marks for including the related quote]
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but I ain't no gentleman. Thus: Brunettes. You could have had marks for "when life sucks…"
13. What am I scared of?
Everything. Me. The future. Snakes
14. List some of the moods I have been known to be in.
Hyper. Broody. Depressed. Semi-catatonic. Happy.
15. How many siblings do I have?
1 – a brother called James Alexander Arthur. He lives in Edinburgh with his fiance, Ayla.
16. How many of my bones have I broken?
None. I have also never broken any of anyone elses bones.
17. What do I like best/least about myself?
best: my resilient constitution
least: my mood swings
18. Which cheeses do I like?
Bavarian or Austrian smoked cheese. Roule.
19. Would you be willing to sleep with me?
Any answer with explaination gets you full marks
20. What is my favourite percussion instrument?
A lot of people would think vibraslap, but I must confess a secret passion for cowbells.
And the winner is: Absolutely nobody!! No-one bothered to enter, and thus I shall be keeping the £20 universal payment voucher (or cash as I like to call it) [which was, honestly, going to be the prize right from the start – don't you wish you'd entered].