The footy pen pals 2004/5 courtesy of Mr Nick Segerin
FOOTBALL SQUAD 2004/2005 CONTACT DETAILS
Luke Russo aka Fray Given, Rik Waller- Tel : 07974368***
New first team captain Luke Russo learnt the art of goalkeeping in Cornwall. Aged just 6 yrs old Russo Jr had a bmi of 36, which meant that the poor lad had to play in goal, and this is a position that he has stayed in all his life.
Russo has great athletic prowess considering his size and is a spectacular shot stopper.
Mark Maddocks aka Russo’s special friend/Warren Barton/Sicknote/Tourettes – Tel : 07957101***
Has anyone ever seen Maddocks and Russo apart ? When not holding hands with Russo and skipping through daisy fields, Maddocks is not a bad centre-half. Good in the air as he showed against Leicester, Maddocks is prone to injuries and still has much to prove.
Maddocks talks a good game to anyone who will listen and likes to slate the whole football team when he’s had a few lagers.
Andy Bancroft aka Mr Motivator – Tel : 07970848***
Bancroft was recently seen sporting Lycra cycling shorts in a step aerobics class in South Leamington. On further questioning Bancroft then admitted to wearing a skirt on New Years Eve. Apart from his transvestite tendencies, Bancroft is an awesome centre back who is unforgiving in the air and in the tackle. Bancroft still needs to exorcise the ghosts of his injury time og, which sent us packing in the quarterfinals last year.
Andy Curry aka Curry dog – Tel : 07729360***
Our very own authentic Scotsman from Essex, Andy Curry slots well into our back four. An expert communicator on the pitch – “Come on lads its not fu*king good enough” being his favourite line usually shouted at high volume. Curry sometimes gets confused when on the football pitch as he is also a rugby boy, and has been known to throw opposition strikers into fences.
Worrall aka Curry’s special friend
Wozza has been a valuable acquisition to the team this year and has played well in several important matches. Worrall knew Curry at Edinburgh, where they both shared a bed and chlamydia.
Proved to be a useful defender when called upon recently. Dom should be looking to cement a regular place in the First team. Dom is now a member of Medsoc, and if he doesn’t get his own way could have you kneecapped by Mr Stansbie.
Andy Wrench aka Space Cadet, Jaws, the tooth-fairy – Tel : 07971471***
What can be said about this boy? What a legend ! I feel guilty after calling him a pussy in the match where he fractured his jaw in 3 places. An excellent right back who always manages to find space, perhaps because he lives there. We wish him a swift recovery and a quick return to the fold soon.
Chris Wearn aka Weener, shit-break – Tel : 07779788***
An awesome centre-back when not shitting his guts up from dysentery. The rumours were that Weener contracted the disease after shagging a monkey in Ghana. Weener is good in the air and never shirks a tackle. Our social sec’s finest hour came when he arrived 1hr late to a social that he himself organised. After a hefty punishment Weener lost all sphincter control and almost his girlfriend – what a legend.
Adam Borowski aka Borrers – Tel : 07812537***
This Polish orphan learnt football on the mean streets of Warsaw where he grew up as a tramp. Borowski never had a proper pair of shoes, and spent most of his days dodging broken glass and rusty nails. He attributes this early conditioning as one of the contributing factors to his electric pace and dribbling wizardry.
Borrers has a fit bird, who will leave him when the rohipnol wears off.
Andy aka Baldy, Michael Stipe, el Presidente – Tel : 07843250***
Andy won Medsoc president this year in an election that was more rigged than the Ukranian general election. This follows on from his victory in gaining 1st team vice-captain. Tony Blair was reported to be sweating when Andy decided to throw his wig into the Labour Party leadership race. Andy is also a DJ superstar and his favourite artist is Peter Andre.
Gareth Thomas aka Gazzmataz – Tel : 07967210***
Ex 1st team captain who still would be if he hadn’t thrown his toys out of the pram.
Rumour has it that Maddocks was injured after falling over Gazs’ rattle and dummy on the pitch. Gazz is credited with building the football team and quite rightly so.
Gazz is a good lad who is still struggling to come to terms with shagging a ginger bird and a bird at top banana that Smudger described as being able to “eat an apple through a tennis racquet”.
Chris Smith aka Smudge dogg, smudger, smudgerio – Tel : 07812347***
Smudger is the granddad of the team and his cultured left foot is wasted on an aging body. Smudger being a pharmacist has improved considerably since his self-administered EPO and steroid injections.
Smudge has a lethal set piece in his armoury, but he could be quicker if he removed the ball and chain that Ruth his girlfriend has attached.
Jon Jones aka Mr Lover man, jonno
Jonno is the alpha male of the first year and has already left a trail of broken hearts all around the med school. Jonno is a tough tackling northerner who is reported to be suffering from a groin strain after leaving the Xmas ball with a mysterious girl.
Nic Segaren aka Leg-end, brown boy, Seggers – Tel : 07830328***
Segs is an awesome centre mid in the Roy Keane mold, he supports the greatest team in the world, is good looking and is surely destined for great things. P.S Can you guess who wrote this ???
Graham Newton aka Surfs Up or Narly Wallace – Tel : 07786520***
This mans’ got some great stories about wigs and surfboards. A fellow Evertonian, Graham has a good shot and is an accomplished dribbler, but this is due to his benign prostatic hyperplasia.
Charlie Averill aka Unbreakable – Tel : 07812040***
Charlie’s’ impression of a Lemming in last years Leicester match is the stuff of folklore. Several Japanese kamikaze pilots have signed up for lessons from Charlie on how to run into a fence and break your arm in 2 places.
When not injured, Averill is a consistent striker. Averill could leave in the January transfer window to a bigger club for a Mars bar and a porno.
Mike Oshin aka Tyson – Tel : 07950473***
Mike should be our manager and the team renamed Oshins’ eleven, unfortunately the kick racism out of football scheme has not been implemented in the medic’s football team. Mike is an athlete, lightening quick (from his youth in sarf London running away from coppers) and strong as a Lion. Rumour has it that he’s got a big cock too.
Scottish Steve aka Bruiser – Tel : 07919001***
Can’t really understand what Steve says most of the time to be honest, I just smile and hope he doesn’t head butt me. Steve has an excellent temperament on the pitch. His greatest moment came when he single handedly managed to stop a friendly after he two-footed the captain, who then proceeded to limp off the field with his entire team.
Skinny aka Skin Dogg, Little Lord Faulteroy – Tel : 07904922***
Born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a blazer, Skinny had to give up Polo when his horse died with Foot and Mouth disease. Skinny then took up football and acquired a deadly finish with some tricky dribbling skills.
Skinny recently came back from a sabbatical in Africa a new man. Rumour has it that whilst there, he tamed a wild African woman by riding her bare back all the way to Leamington. Skinny is a great lad, its’ a shame that he’s cachectic.
Paul Hughes aka Paulo – Tel : 07748118***
Paulo is a consistent, reliable defender who suffers from Tourettes syndrome.
Paulo’s wife beating, Rab C Nesbitt vest is the stuff of legend and he can often be seen strutting his stuff in the massage parlours of North Leamington giving it large.
Ben Thurlow aka Lord Lucan – Tel : 07815306***
Talented footballer who has a tendency to vanish of the earths face and then reappear when he’s most needed. Thurlow supplements his medical degree by being a full time sperm donor, which could explain why he’s always missing.
Greek Mike aka Mr Lover man II – Tel : 07748947***
This international love machine is a tough man. Mike is competitive and considers training just as serious as any game. Mike dropped out of the porn industry after deciding that Medicine was a great way of shagging nurses, radiographers, physios and patients.
Kike Collantes aka El Matador – Tel : 07900954***
Collantes turned down a Summer move to his beloved Galacticos to stay in sunny Coventry. This Spanish sex symbols’ first name is Enrique and can do a mean karaoke. Collantes has been the second team captain for two years in a row and is a skilful central midfielder with a great engine.
Gerry aka Gerry Adams
No wonder this guy has always got a smile on his face – his clinical partner is fit as fu*k and I would give a kidney to nail her.
Simon aka Dale Winton – Tel : 07838123***
Will this lad ever live down the day when he wore a pink T-shirt to football training ? Simon is a useful footballer and a bit of a ladies man. Simon likes a drink or two and can often be seen in his favourite club G.A.Y.
Pete Reeves aka Bulldog, Terrier – Tel : 0781111***
Reeves’ never say die attitude could earn him a call-up to Iraq this year. Reeves is the second team vice captain and epitomises everything his team is about – aggression, passion, skill and stunted growth.
Strong, fast striker who proved to be a handful in the recent 1sts vs 2nds match.
Bode shuns the gym and puts his fitness down to his girlfriend.
This player came from the London School Of Pharmacy with a big reputation. His girlfriend says it’s a lie and that Tush pops Viagra like Russo eats pork pies. Technically sound player who can play in midfield or up front.
Avi aka Avi word
Avi is a nippy winger with a few tricks up his sleeve. His favourite trick is the rusty nail, which he learnt from Tush. Avi could be the solution to Svens problems on the left.
Dave Johnston aka Dobby, Northern Monkey – Tel : 07970671***
Dobbys’ finest moment last year came from a thumping 20-yard header-unfortunately it was into his own net. This down to earth Northern cheeky chappy is a remarkable 29 years old, but doesn’t look a day over 15. Dobby regularly gets id’ed in pubs and attributes his youthful looks to rubbing copious amounts of manfat into his skin every day.
Ade aka Black Mamba, John Coffee, Bubba – Tel : 07974458***
Ade is massive in every sense of the word. This man is hung like a horse-believe the legend. Ade’s cock almost bit me before a game when we were both urinating up a fence. This man is a strong centre back, and is the only person I’ve ever bottled out of a 50/50 challenge with.
Paul Wild aka Green jean Marine
Wildy grew tired of playing “Hide the sausage” in the forces and decided to embark on a medical career. When he met the football team, he wished he had stayed in the army. Wildy is the pin up of the football team and is a decent player when he’s not worried about messing up his hair.
Neema – Tel : 07782145***
A pre-Xmas kick about heard Neema utter the immortal words “ What I’ve lost in fitness I’ve made up for in weight.” Neema is a centre-back who loves to dribble out of defence and take on as many players as possible.
Sam aka The Cat – Tel : 07745697***
Awesome second team goalkeeper who is even better when he remembers to put his contact lenses in. Sam has shocked first team captain and goalkeeper Luke Russo into a crash Atkins style diet.
Dimitri aka Sicknote
Dimitri ruptured his knee ligaments a few years ago and is slowly making a comeback. When this Greek is fully fit, he will be a force to be reckoned with much like Achilles.
James Lambert aka Lambchop –Tel : 07813155***
Rippling six pack, huge bulging biceps, massive deltoids. Lamb chop is a gay icon and cites his hero as the builder from The Village People. Tough tackling and persistent, lamb chop is a bit like multidrug resistant TB.