October 22, 2005

Match report 15th October

So we'd set the ball rolling for what would be a successful season as our premier season in the university league? One week earlier all had seemed so rosy as we beat the warwick 2nds. This game wasn't one we wanted to write home and tell mum about.
We started this game with a somewhat depleted squad but we arrived with 13 able and willing men to Nottingham university.
Of those missing, we had lost last weeks match winner, George. Our cog in the midfield (Drury) was missing, having played his best game for sometime the previous week, he obviously decided to quit while he was ahead!
And then we were without the last-minute absentee, Ed. He came to our prematch meet looking like walking was a skill he had somehow lost since our training session the night before. And as he admitted to us in strict confidence, he had been involved in what only can be described as fresher's extra curricular activities!! His back, and probably someone elses had taken a punishing!
So we arrived at Nottingham, the previous hunting ground of our very own Dom. And some would wonder if he was back up to his old tricks…. For everytime our backs were turned he disappeared only to reappear when Captain Russo let a tourets-like outburst of 'where the ?!?! has Dom gone now?' I'm sure there was an innocent explanation, like last nights curry, or maybe it was the girl's netball team playing only fifty yards away?
So… on to the match.
We started brightly passing the ball around, counter attacking the home team's early advances. It was on the stroke of 10 minutes that Gazz played a defence splitting ball through to Maddock who somehow managed to outpace the oppostion's two centrebacks and slot and early shot past the dispondant keeper. A great finish and a one -nill lead.
To there credit, nottingham continued to rally forward as we defended stoutly and hit them on the break. A good save from the Nottingham keeper denied Maddock one more following another great ball from the playmaker thomas. Then on 20 minutes, an incident that some would argue changed the game. Good work from the Wrenchy driving down the middle, he let the ball loose to Maddock who unleashed a left foot drive just past the post. The resulting goal kick led to the equaliser, but worse than that, in the strike that had just narrowly missed the target the on-form striker had strained his rectus femoris and so it was an early bath for the Maddock.
A more than capable Charlie came on to fill the void but it just didn't seem to happen. Luck was obviously against, as it had been so many times before.
The oppostion only had a small number of attempts on goal but all seemed to count as the Nottingham keeper continued to make save after save. With special mention to a save that wont be matched again this season after after a blistering volley from Dom midway through the 2nd half.
Captain Russo was again forced to bite his touret's tongue when a certain centreback gave away a needless penalty – but he can be forgiven as he has been working hard on winning his surgery prize.
A flattering 4v1 win for Nottingham and a thought provoking lose for the medics. We are left to wonder what could have been.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!!!

We'll get them at home



October 10, 2005

Match report 8th October 2005

'I have a dream' said Captain Russo as we sat in our changing rooms preparing for a game that our captain believed would set the foundations for the future medics football club…...
'Put us on the map!' was a phrased penned by the founder of the club, Mr Gareth Thomas.
But it wasn't till after the game had ended and the battered, bruised and drenched 14 warriors walked slowly into the changing room did those famous words from the one-eyed siren Gabriel, ring through our hearts and minds…...
Yes, 'dreams do come true'..

We turned up to the game against our closest rivals, not just because we share the same home ground but because we share a sense of competitiveness that only brothers can understand. Or at least we did!!

From the moment the referee blew his whistle, the warwick uni second team new they were in a game. They may have been surrounded by trees, grass and beautifully sculptured pathways but this was certainly no walk in the park. For they came, they kicked a few balls and we gave them a good beating!

The mastery of George and the pace of Gaz, Borros and Ed were a thorn in the side of Warwick's struggling defence until late on they both surrendered to the only thing that could beat them on such a day – their own flailing bodies!!!
But even with the substitutions, we attacked with pace although precision and the killer punch were somewhat lacking.

Football isn't just about the attack I hear, and you are right. Our first clean sheet since time began was as important as the Bergkamp-like artitstry shown by George to chip the keeper from 25 yards. Many would loook to the keeper to blame for such a goal, but in truth a finish like that would have beaten any keeper at the top of his game.

The defensive five of segg dog and the defence were as good and as strong as i have ever seen, and Luke although not called into action too often showed flashes of brilliance and reflexes that He-man's battlecat would have been proud of.

There was not a weak performance among the 14, it is a shame that warwick uni could not say the same, apart from one effort that hit the bar they did little to strike fear into their oppostion. However, in years gone by, both luck and concentration would have been against us – we may have turned the tide!!!

Here's to our first league win and our top of the table position

Warwick medics 1 v warwick uni 0

Man of the Match – George
Goal scorer – George


June 14, 2005

The footy pen pals 2004/5 courtesy of Mr Nick Segerin


Luke Russo aka Fray Given, Rik Waller- Tel : 07974368***

New first team captain Luke Russo learnt the art of goalkeeping in Cornwall. Aged just 6 yrs old Russo Jr had a bmi of 36, which meant that the poor lad had to play in goal, and this is a position that he has stayed in all his life.
Russo has great athletic prowess considering his size and is a spectacular shot stopper.

Mark Maddocks aka Russo’s special friend/Warren Barton/Sicknote/Tourettes – Tel : 07957101***

Has anyone ever seen Maddocks and Russo apart ? When not holding hands with Russo and skipping through daisy fields, Maddocks is not a bad centre-half. Good in the air as he showed against Leicester, Maddocks is prone to injuries and still has much to prove.
Maddocks talks a good game to anyone who will listen and likes to slate the whole football team when he’s had a few lagers.

Andy Bancroft aka Mr Motivator – Tel : 07970848***

Bancroft was recently seen sporting Lycra cycling shorts in a step aerobics class in South Leamington. On further questioning Bancroft then admitted to wearing a skirt on New Years Eve. Apart from his transvestite tendencies, Bancroft is an awesome centre back who is unforgiving in the air and in the tackle. Bancroft still needs to exorcise the ghosts of his injury time og, which sent us packing in the quarterfinals last year.

Andy Curry aka Curry dog – Tel : 07729360***

Our very own authentic Scotsman from Essex, Andy Curry slots well into our back four. An expert communicator on the pitch – “Come on lads its not fu*king good enough” being his favourite line usually shouted at high volume. Curry sometimes gets confused when on the football pitch as he is also a rugby boy, and has been known to throw opposition strikers into fences.

Worrall aka Curry’s special friend

Wozza has been a valuable acquisition to the team this year and has played well in several important matches. Worrall knew Curry at Edinburgh, where they both shared a bed and chlamydia.

Dom Hughes

Proved to be a useful defender when called upon recently. Dom should be looking to cement a regular place in the First team. Dom is now a member of Medsoc, and if he doesn’t get his own way could have you kneecapped by Mr Stansbie.

Andy Wrench aka Space Cadet, Jaws, the tooth-fairy – Tel : 07971471***

What can be said about this boy? What a legend ! I feel guilty after calling him a pussy in the match where he fractured his jaw in 3 places. An excellent right back who always manages to find space, perhaps because he lives there. We wish him a swift recovery and a quick return to the fold soon.

Chris Wearn aka Weener, shit-break – Tel : 07779788***

An awesome centre-back when not shitting his guts up from dysentery. The rumours were that Weener contracted the disease after shagging a monkey in Ghana. Weener is good in the air and never shirks a tackle. Our social sec’s finest hour came when he arrived 1hr late to a social that he himself organised. After a hefty punishment Weener lost all sphincter control and almost his girlfriend – what a legend.

Adam Borowski aka Borrers – Tel : 07812537***

This Polish orphan learnt football on the mean streets of Warsaw where he grew up as a tramp. Borowski never had a proper pair of shoes, and spent most of his days dodging broken glass and rusty nails. He attributes this early conditioning as one of the contributing factors to his electric pace and dribbling wizardry.
Borrers has a fit bird, who will leave him when the rohipnol wears off.

Andy aka Baldy, Michael Stipe, el Presidente – Tel : 07843250***

Andy won Medsoc president this year in an election that was more rigged than the Ukranian general election. This follows on from his victory in gaining 1st team vice-captain. Tony Blair was reported to be sweating when Andy decided to throw his wig into the Labour Party leadership race. Andy is also a DJ superstar and his favourite artist is Peter Andre.

Gareth Thomas aka Gazzmataz – Tel : 07967210***

Ex 1st team captain who still would be if he hadn’t thrown his toys out of the pram.
Rumour has it that Maddocks was injured after falling over Gazs’ rattle and dummy on the pitch. Gazz is credited with building the football team and quite rightly so.
Gazz is a good lad who is still struggling to come to terms with shagging a ginger bird and a bird at top banana that Smudger described as being able to “eat an apple through a tennis racquet”.

Chris Smith aka Smudge dogg, smudger, smudgerio – Tel : 07812347***

Smudger is the granddad of the team and his cultured left foot is wasted on an aging body. Smudger being a pharmacist has improved considerably since his self-administered EPO and steroid injections.
Smudge has a lethal set piece in his armoury, but he could be quicker if he removed the ball and chain that Ruth his girlfriend has attached.

Jon Jones aka Mr Lover man, jonno

Jonno is the alpha male of the first year and has already left a trail of broken hearts all around the med school. Jonno is a tough tackling northerner who is reported to be suffering from a groin strain after leaving the Xmas ball with a mysterious girl.

Nic Segaren aka Leg-end, brown boy, Seggers – Tel : 07830328***

Segs is an awesome centre mid in the Roy Keane mold, he supports the greatest team in the world, is good looking and is surely destined for great things. P.S Can you guess who wrote this ???

Graham Newton aka Surfs Up or Narly Wallace – Tel : 07786520***

This mans’ got some great stories about wigs and surfboards. A fellow Evertonian, Graham has a good shot and is an accomplished dribbler, but this is due to his benign prostatic hyperplasia.

Charlie Averill aka Unbreakable – Tel : 07812040***

Charlie’s’ impression of a Lemming in last years Leicester match is the stuff of folklore. Several Japanese kamikaze pilots have signed up for lessons from Charlie on how to run into a fence and break your arm in 2 places.
When not injured, Averill is a consistent striker. Averill could leave in the January transfer window to a bigger club for a Mars bar and a porno.

Mike Oshin aka Tyson – Tel : 07950473***

Mike should be our manager and the team renamed Oshins’ eleven, unfortunately the kick racism out of football scheme has not been implemented in the medic’s football team. Mike is an athlete, lightening quick (from his youth in sarf London running away from coppers) and strong as a Lion. Rumour has it that he’s got a big cock too.

Scottish Steve aka Bruiser – Tel : 07919001***

Can’t really understand what Steve says most of the time to be honest, I just smile and hope he doesn’t head butt me. Steve has an excellent temperament on the pitch. His greatest moment came when he single handedly managed to stop a friendly after he two-footed the captain, who then proceeded to limp off the field with his entire team.

Skinny aka Skin Dogg, Little Lord Faulteroy – Tel : 07904922***

Born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a blazer, Skinny had to give up Polo when his horse died with Foot and Mouth disease. Skinny then took up football and acquired a deadly finish with some tricky dribbling skills.
Skinny recently came back from a sabbatical in Africa a new man. Rumour has it that whilst there, he tamed a wild African woman by riding her bare back all the way to Leamington. Skinny is a great lad, its’ a shame that he’s cachectic.

Paul Hughes aka Paulo – Tel : 07748118***

Paulo is a consistent, reliable defender who suffers from Tourettes syndrome.
Paulo’s wife beating, Rab C Nesbitt vest is the stuff of legend and he can often be seen strutting his stuff in the massage parlours of North Leamington giving it large.

Ben Thurlow aka Lord Lucan – Tel : 07815306***

Talented footballer who has a tendency to vanish of the earths face and then reappear when he’s most needed. Thurlow supplements his medical degree by being a full time sperm donor, which could explain why he’s always missing.

Greek Mike aka Mr Lover man II – Tel : 07748947***

This international love machine is a tough man. Mike is competitive and considers training just as serious as any game. Mike dropped out of the porn industry after deciding that Medicine was a great way of shagging nurses, radiographers, physios and patients.

Kike Collantes aka El Matador – Tel : 07900954***

Collantes turned down a Summer move to his beloved Galacticos to stay in sunny Coventry. This Spanish sex symbols’ first name is Enrique and can do a mean karaoke. Collantes has been the second team captain for two years in a row and is a skilful central midfielder with a great engine.

Gerry aka Gerry Adams

No wonder this guy has always got a smile on his face – his clinical partner is fit as fu*k and I would give a kidney to nail her.

Simon aka Dale Winton – Tel : 07838123***

Will this lad ever live down the day when he wore a pink T-shirt to football training ? Simon is a useful footballer and a bit of a ladies man. Simon likes a drink or two and can often be seen in his favourite club G.A.Y.

Pete Reeves aka Bulldog, Terrier – Tel : 0781111***

Reeves’ never say die attitude could earn him a call-up to Iraq this year. Reeves is the second team vice captain and epitomises everything his team is about – aggression, passion, skill and stunted growth.


Strong, fast striker who proved to be a handful in the recent 1sts vs 2nds match.
Bode shuns the gym and puts his fitness down to his girlfriend.


This player came from the London School Of Pharmacy with a big reputation. His girlfriend says it’s a lie and that Tush pops Viagra like Russo eats pork pies. Technically sound player who can play in midfield or up front.

Avi aka Avi word

Avi is a nippy winger with a few tricks up his sleeve. His favourite trick is the rusty nail, which he learnt from Tush. Avi could be the solution to Svens problems on the left.

Dave Johnston aka Dobby, Northern Monkey – Tel : 07970671***

Dobbys’ finest moment last year came from a thumping 20-yard header-unfortunately it was into his own net. This down to earth Northern cheeky chappy is a remarkable 29 years old, but doesn’t look a day over 15. Dobby regularly gets id’ed in pubs and attributes his youthful looks to rubbing copious amounts of manfat into his skin every day.

Ade aka Black Mamba, John Coffee, Bubba – Tel : 07974458***

Ade is massive in every sense of the word. This man is hung like a horse-believe the legend. Ade’s cock almost bit me before a game when we were both urinating up a fence. This man is a strong centre back, and is the only person I’ve ever bottled out of a 50/50 challenge with.

Paul Wild aka Green jean Marine

Wildy grew tired of playing “Hide the sausage” in the forces and decided to embark on a medical career. When he met the football team, he wished he had stayed in the army. Wildy is the pin up of the football team and is a decent player when he’s not worried about messing up his hair.

Neema – Tel : 07782145***

A pre-Xmas kick about heard Neema utter the immortal words “ What I’ve lost in fitness I’ve made up for in weight.” Neema is a centre-back who loves to dribble out of defence and take on as many players as possible.

Sam aka The Cat – Tel : 07745697***

Awesome second team goalkeeper who is even better when he remembers to put his contact lenses in. Sam has shocked first team captain and goalkeeper Luke Russo into a crash Atkins style diet.

Dimitri aka Sicknote

Dimitri ruptured his knee ligaments a few years ago and is slowly making a comeback. When this Greek is fully fit, he will be a force to be reckoned with much like Achilles.

James Lambert aka Lambchop –Tel : 07813155***

Rippling six pack, huge bulging biceps, massive deltoids. Lamb chop is a gay icon and cites his hero as the builder from The Village People. Tough tackling and persistent, lamb chop is a bit like multidrug resistant TB.

May 05, 2005

warwick boar KPMG report

Writing about web page http://www.warwickboar.co.uk/static/inprint/iss10/Boar40.pdf

read this report for an insight into the playoff games etc

League table

Writing about web page http://www.sunion.warwick.ac.uk/portal/sports/Default.asp?url=LEAGUE_TABLES&league_id=2

The league table as it finished


The time has come! We are getting closer towards probably the biggest game of our club's history so get your friends, housemates, birds etc, to come and support us.
As we approach this big game we should give thought to some other finals that are all to quickly approaching.
A special mention has to go out to all our fourth year club members as well as the rest of the people who start their exam week on Monday 9th May and are probably feeling a little bit stressed at the moment.
We all wish you good luck and look forward to seeing your ugly faces when everything is finished.

Good Luck

Medics Footy

May 02, 2005

2nd team playoff game – 1st May 2005

Medics 2 vs. Invisible Hand Job (aka Bunch of Muppets with no socks or shinpads)

Both teams in this game were pretty evenly matched for the most part. Medics should have been 1–0 up early in the first half but the ref had blown up for a free kick before the ball had been put into the back of the net. Paulo as always was solid at the back throughout the game…even when faced with an opponent who was complaining about him invading his personal space. Sam was solid in goal, only really having to collect crosses which he did easily.
The medics goal came early in the 2nd half…an attempted shot hitting one of the defenders on the hand and the ref gave a penalty. Dimitri stepped up and blasted the ball down the middle…which the goalie, Frodo, Hobbit, Gandalf or whatever else they called him (I prefered scruffy b****d) saved with his foot. However, Dims was alert and poked in the rebound. The medics had a chance to increase their lead when Skinny headed a cross from the left by Ross that looked to be going in, only for old Bilbo to pull out a Gordan Banks-esque save. The little hairy footed b*gg*r was easily keeping their team in the game. With time running out, the medics defence was split by a through ball, and although Sam got something on it, he couldnt stop the ball, and it rolled in.
So to extra time. With both teams not wanting to give too much away extra time was a quiet affair..although Thurlow could have spectacularly won the game, blasting a Rooney/Gerrard like shot inches over the bar.
So to penalties….and the curse of the Germans hits again. Javi calmly side footed the first pen, sending the keeper the wrong way. They scored theirs. Bode stepped up and blasted the ball, only for evil lord Sauron in goal to save it. They scored theirs. Mark stepped up….and sweetly struck his pen into the corner..only for it to hit the post and run agonisingly along the line and out. They scored theirs. Skinny stepped up, needing to score his pen to keep us in the game…and struck it high over the cross bar. Chris Waddle would have loved it. As would Jonny Wilkinson. Game over…3–1 on pens.
My man of the match? For fear of being accused of playing the same record…Ben Thurlow was quality throughout.
I dont think we deserved to lose the game really..but I guess when it comes to penalties..it's a lottery.

April 24, 2005

23rd April playoff game

Just wanted to say well done for todays result….an absolutely awesome performance from everyone. I reckon thats probably our best match this season, against as good a team as we have played. Second half was awesome…once again it shows that when we get the ball down and play, we can beat anyone.
Defence was solid today…Currie, Bancroft, Dom and Ben…great match from all of you.
Midfield was quality too..Andy and Skinny were excellent, as was Boros, and Smudgie…sweet left foot again!
Strikers….Charlie worked tirelessly…and amazed us all with his tan. Maddock…great game, and really turned it for us in the 2nd half.
Big thanks to Gnarly, Paulo and Steve for being there too..great performances from all of you when you came on…exactly what we needed.
And the goals….quality hatrick from Skinny, super sub Gnarly…and the other an OG I think?? Or is Lord Fauntelroy claiming that too??!!

And last but by no means least…Drury's beard. Could that have been the difference? Dont know…but it was bloody funny.

On we march boys..lets keep it up.

Final Score:

Warwick Medics 5 – Michael Jackson School Boy Errors 1.

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