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February 22, 2007

Life and dilemmas (edited)

I have recently ended a 20 month relationship with Rebekah Kirkland. Throughout those twenty months I have experienced so many emotions both positive and negative. It would be pretty apt and cliche to say that I have indeed been on a rollercoaster ride and much like the initial thrill of the rollercoaster I am saddenned to have to walk away. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love somebody sometimes things aren't meant to be, sometimes there is a reason for things going wrong and the same issues reoccuring. It's tough to finish with the one you love but it can also be a necessity, for love alone no matter how pure cannot always substantiate a meaningful and happy relationship.

When I was with Rebekah, I didn't really feel that I could keep a blog or diary.  I like to be completely honest and uncensored but with a partner this is a somewhat stupid thing to do, and thus until now I have not had a blog. Towards the end of the relationship she used to take things further and appear "frightened" and "worried" by my writing. I'm not speaking of a diary but rather my horror fiction, the problem was she found it difficult to seperate the artist from the art. Whilst I took it as a compliment that fear could be evoked through my fiction I took it as a great insult that she failed to differentiate between the author and novel. My two aspirations in life have *always* been to have at least one of my loves published and to fall in love and live happily ever after in some sort of fairytale ending. Unfortunately she was acting in a way which meant the two aspirations were conflicting. Why should I compromise my writing which has been with me for my entire life for her? I guess the answer was simply that she was becoming my life - although that chapter now seems to have come to a stand still in no uncertain terms.

As a result of the split up I have found myself spiralling into apathetic depression. Only recently have I started thinking about my writing and university work again. Rather the last week or so has involved me feeling sorry for myself, too many tears for a man (big boys don't cry), and an absolute lack of incentive to do anything. All I can ask myself is "What am I supposed to do?" It was a general question with absolutely no answer and it wasn't specifically directed at anything. To describe my recent state I would say I feel "lost." A sheep with no shepherd, but then again I am my own shepherd, so by turn that would make me my own sheep.

Aside from the obligatory two essays for the end of term I have a few projects I am involved in at the moment. I am the lead undergraduate applicant for the Broadcast publication (submissions are due soon), I am working on a comedy sketch/stand up material, my novel is in full swing, I seldom write for The Boar (less as of late), and I am working on some ideas for television which are in progress. I am extremely excited about one particular television idea but I cannot really write about it here but will do when I am able to.

On a completely seperate note I wonder if anybody knows who is the UK's biggest publisher for first time novelists and if they specialise in a particular genre?

This weekend presents me with some decisions as to what I should do. One option is to go back home and see my little brother for his birthday on the Sunday. I really think I should do this as this is the best option of all for it's not superficial and it's not to make me feel like people care, rather it is because I love him and want to be there for him.

It is going to be difficult being single, I have never really been single for too long - there are always a few months in between relationships. This time, my standards are set extremely high, there will  be no superficiality, just love from now on. I can't slip into shallow ways like so many of us do - I must be strong and I must only go into something for love and love alone.

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