Part of the break up ritualI received a text today from Rebekah asking me if she could come and collect her stuff this weekend. Unfortunately I have no credit to respond to her, this means she will have an hour or so of suspense, perhaps a little longer if I decide to venture over to the Battle of the Bands runners up final this evening which is a possibility. The answer to the text will be "no," but with a few more words as I feel obliged to be polite. You can't just shun somebody who was a part of your life for two years, even if cutting off contact forever is inevitable as part of the breaking up process.
Giving somebody all their stuff back is part of the breaking up ritual, it's quite a traumatic event. You find yourself searching your room for any items that belong to your former lover, putting them in a bag ready to present to her. This isn't made any easier when you know that the next time you see her will probably be the last. It's easy to find yourself thinking about the inevitable encounter, conjuring up scenarios about how it will go. You'll either look at each other completely coldly and with such distance and disgust or you'll feel an overwhelming about of love wishing that things didn't have to be the way they are. Whatever the reaction you know that they'll be tears at some point - whether it's during the encounter or a short time after. What I do not want to happen is her Mother to take her and for her to see me. Her Mother is hardly my favourite person in the world but I could imagine she might want to tell me how I have ruined her daughter's life and broken her daughter's heart. I pray this does not happen for I do not know how I would react, it could be that I tell her a few things I don't like about her which would be the wrong reaction. I do not want to make the last time I see Rebekah an all out negative experience. Part of me is considering slipping some sort of letter to her in the bag, but I am not quite sure what I would write - this will take some considerable thought. It will probably be a thank you for all the good memories together, even though I know we were not meant to be. That's difficult to type: we were not meant to be. After two years, two years of memories, of love, of special moments. Everywhere I look there is a constant reminder of Rebekah.