April 03, 2007


I shall try to do this again tomorrow when Warwick Blog's is being slightly less annoying.


March 06, 2007

Part of the break up ritual

I received a text today from Rebekah asking me if she could come and collect her stuff this weekend. Unfortunately I have no credit to respond to her, this means she will have an hour or so of suspense, perhaps a little longer if I decide to venture over to the Battle of the Bands runners up final this evening which is a possibility. The answer to the text will be "no," but with a few more words as I feel obliged to be polite. You can't just shun somebody who was a part of your life for two years, even if cutting off contact forever is inevitable as part of the breaking up process.

Giving somebody all their stuff back is part of the breaking up ritual, it's quite a traumatic event. You find yourself searching your room for any items that belong to your former lover, putting them in a bag ready to present to her. This isn't made any easier when you know that the next time you see her will probably be the last. It's easy to find yourself thinking about the inevitable encounter, conjuring up scenarios about how it will go. You'll either look at each other completely coldly and with such distance and disgust or you'll feel an overwhelming about of love wishing that things didn't have to be the way they are. Whatever the reaction you know that they'll be tears at some point - whether it's during the encounter or a short time after. What I do not want to happen is her Mother to take her and for her to see me. Her Mother is hardly my favourite person in the world but I could imagine she might want to tell me how I have ruined her daughter's life and broken her daughter's heart. I pray this does not happen for I do not know how I would react, it could be that I tell her a few things I don't like about her which would be the wrong reaction. I do not want to make the last time I see Rebekah an all out negative experience. Part of me is considering slipping some sort of letter to her in the bag, but I am not quite sure what I would write - this will take some considerable thought. It will probably be a thank you for all the good memories together, even though I know we were not meant to be. That's difficult to type: we were not meant to be. After two years, two years of memories, of love, of special moments. Everywhere I look there is a constant reminder of Rebekah.

February 22, 2007

Life and dilemmas (edited)

I have recently ended a 20 month relationship with Rebekah Kirkland. Throughout those twenty months I have experienced so many emotions both positive and negative. It would be pretty apt and cliche to say that I have indeed been on a rollercoaster ride and much like the initial thrill of the rollercoaster I am saddenned to have to walk away. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love somebody sometimes things aren't meant to be, sometimes there is a reason for things going wrong and the same issues reoccuring. It's tough to finish with the one you love but it can also be a necessity, for love alone no matter how pure cannot always substantiate a meaningful and happy relationship.

When I was with Rebekah, I didn't really feel that I could keep a blog or diary.  I like to be completely honest and uncensored but with a partner this is a somewhat stupid thing to do, and thus until now I have not had a blog. Towards the end of the relationship she used to take things further and appear "frightened" and "worried" by my writing. I'm not speaking of a diary but rather my horror fiction, the problem was she found it difficult to seperate the artist from the art. Whilst I took it as a compliment that fear could be evoked through my fiction I took it as a great insult that she failed to differentiate between the author and novel. My two aspirations in life have *always* been to have at least one of my loves published and to fall in love and live happily ever after in some sort of fairytale ending. Unfortunately she was acting in a way which meant the two aspirations were conflicting. Why should I compromise my writing which has been with me for my entire life for her? I guess the answer was simply that she was becoming my life - although that chapter now seems to have come to a stand still in no uncertain terms.

As a result of the split up I have found myself spiralling into apathetic depression. Only recently have I started thinking about my writing and university work again. Rather the last week or so has involved me feeling sorry for myself, too many tears for a man (big boys don't cry), and an absolute lack of incentive to do anything. All I can ask myself is "What am I supposed to do?" It was a general question with absolutely no answer and it wasn't specifically directed at anything. To describe my recent state I would say I feel "lost." A sheep with no shepherd, but then again I am my own shepherd, so by turn that would make me my own sheep.

Aside from the obligatory two essays for the end of term I have a few projects I am involved in at the moment. I am the lead undergraduate applicant for the Broadcast publication (submissions are due soon), I am working on a comedy sketch/stand up material, my novel is in full swing, I seldom write for The Boar (less as of late), and I am working on some ideas for television which are in progress. I am extremely excited about one particular television idea but I cannot really write about it here but will do when I am able to.

On a completely seperate note I wonder if anybody knows who is the UK's biggest publisher for first time novelists and if they specialise in a particular genre?

This weekend presents me with some decisions as to what I should do. One option is to go back home and see my little brother for his birthday on the Sunday. I really think I should do this as this is the best option of all for it's not superficial and it's not to make me feel like people care, rather it is because I love him and want to be there for him.

It is going to be difficult being single, I have never really been single for too long - there are always a few months in between relationships. This time, my standards are set extremely high, there will  be no superficiality, just love from now on. I can't slip into shallow ways like so many of us do - I must be strong and I must only go into something for love and love alone.

June 2022

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