January 03, 2006

What is truly wrong with everything

Okay, I've finally worked this out.

The world will be a happier place once we have condoned the ritual execution of children who speak/scream/gurgle/move/breathe/ask stupid questions in the cinema.

I have been to the cinema three times over Christmas, first time with a friend (JIMBOB WEBSTEERRRRR), second time with my parents and a third time with my now ex-girlfriend. The overall frustration I encountered was children who are far too goddamned young to watch King Kong sitting there in the audience, shrieking like…well…kids. What the hell are they doing there if they don't understand it even slightly or if the parents can't keep their kids under control? And the running around, oh boy, don't get me started.

I mean, RUNNING AROUND. It's a film!! Its an awesome 3 hour epic with a gorilla smashing the shit out of stuff, I mean, come on what's there not to be distracted by? Ah yes, three hours…well, send them somewhere else then if they can't sit still for 3 hours. Like, onto the receiving end of a mincer.

Maybe this sounds cruel, I usually love kids – just not in the context of the cinema. Although to be fair, sometimes the kids are a godsend if you compare them with the younger teenagers. At least children sound like they're enjoying themselves or that they're keeping a vague eye on what's going on. I don't want to sound conceited or snobby, but I prefer my films without a commentary of thirteen year olds going 'WHAT UP?!' and 'FUCKIN'-A' or 'SAFE, MAN, SAFE'.

Its probably not a good thing when you start sounding like an old man…but its probably because I like cinema experiences with more cinema and less crap. We could probably just execute Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay and Uwe Boll (THE MOST HEINOUS MAN IN HISTORY) to slow the process down.

- 3 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Yay! I would vote for the notion too.

    03 Jan 2006, 21:10

  2. I went to watch King Kong a couple of weeks ago, and sitting almost directly behind me, one row back was a kid. The kid sounded about 8–10 years old at a guess, and was incredibly irritating.

    Whether it was the long and prounounced "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" when a kissing scene came on, or just a disapproving yuk at Kong testing to see how much force it requires to pull a dinosaur's tongue out it's mouth, it was rather frustrating. Luckily the kid refrained from kicking the back of my chair for 3 hours, so kudos to him.

    While I think 12A movies are a good idea, perhaps taking them to an earlier, less crowded showing, or have the cinema set aside a couple of showings a day geared to the younger audience (but still open to anyone) would be a good idea.

    04 Jan 2006, 06:56

  3. Hmm… I went to a Harry Potter showing at 9.30pm, thinking that the kid:adult ratio would be fairly weighed towards me (I share your views on children in cinemas!) There were at least ten children below the age of eight in there… bearing in mind this film is three hours long so those kids can't have got to bed before 1am. No wonder they were fractious and running round and whinging – what amazes me is what parent thinks it'll be a good idea to take them then… specially since they themselves can't have got much out of the film with a whiny sproglet pulling on their arm every five minutes.

    (The other thing about cinemas, whilst I'm ranting, that drives me crazy is the way as soon as the film certificate is shown and the opening credits start, and it all goes completely silent, then is when people decide to open their crackly crunchy packets of things, despite having had at least 15 minutes of loud trailers to do that in. Grr.)

    04 Jan 2006, 09:26

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