All entries for Wednesday 02 January 2013
January 02, 2013
Workshop Tutor: Beverly Maynard
Looking back, this has been a long and eventful process with both progress and setbacks. Through the application of some simple tools I managed to solve a great problem in the way I organized my time and myself. Also by keeping in mind simple principles, like prioritize and delegate, I was able to stay calm and in control during challenging situations.
However I realize now that this workshop has taught me much more than just about organizing my time and myself. As I am doing this workshop within the WSPA I was forced to carry a process of reflective writing. And I say forced because I would not have done it if I was not intending to receive the award. I saw this as a mandatory task I needed to complete which was time consuming and not very useful. However I now understand perfectly why the blogging process is not only necessary but incredibly valuable.
As I thought thoroughly about what had happened during the process, analyzing whether there had been progress or not, I learned a lot about myself. Every time I went back to read my last entry before posting a new one, I ended up questioning the reasons behind my actions. It was not just about telling someone what had happened, but also about asking myself the reasons behind my successes and my failures. And it was only through this process that I was able to recognize and admit the true problem behind my organization issues during this experience at Warwick: “I am afraid to fail”.
It sounds a bit silly but it is true. I have invested a lot to be able to come here and do my masters, and so I have high expectations for its returns. However I know the outcome rests entirely on my shoulders; whether I succeed or not is going to be entirely my responsibility. And I see now that I have a tendency to panic and quit when the stakes are too high. My problem from the beginning was not that I didn’t know how to organize myself, but that I was afraid to do my best and still fail. Somehow it was better to blame failure on my lack of organization.
It can be said I am being to hard on myself. After all I do have a broken leg, I am in quite a lot of pain and had to go through it all on my own and worst of all during the holidays. But still I know I would have been able to do much more during this period if it was not for the fear holding me back. For instance I still have not reorganized my planner with the new deadlines and my plan to achieve them, which is quite an easy task. I had not even made a list of the things I have to do until two days ago. And I kept asking myself why, but the answer now is very simple: I was afraid. I am afraid of the time I have lost, of the vastness of the task and of myself not being able to pull it off no matter what. And so I have been hiding behind my broken leg, taking the pain as an excuse not to work.
Some of my weaknesses I recognized through this workshop were: I do not have to do everything on my own, I need to delegate when someone else can help me and stop being such a control freak. After admitting this great fear that was holding me back, following on what I had learned, I am proud to say that I asked for help. My family is now aware of how I was feeling, as well as my tutor and I am working to get passed it. So in the end this feels like a great way to start the year 2013, hoping to keep learning and progressing.