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December 08, 2009

How to Not Write a Poem

Hi! This is my first entry (scary :S) so I thought I'd start with a poem I've read out a few times now, because that's slightly less intimidating than putting up new material. This piece is called 'How to Not Write a Poem'

And what shall I write?

It could be a haiku that I tell to you

Of observations made that we once knew

Or imbue the strange hue of society’s view

And two dead men shall talk to one another

As we stand out cold in the blue.

The schools chew out new prisoners

And 2 plus 2 makes 5 now,

Or some crap like that.

But they also said that we were through, and every day

The numbers grew and the coffins queued

Outside the cemetery gates. The soldier crew

Made their debut to force the

Enemy to subdue. All this

Hullaballoo has gone askew, and what,

We gonna bomb them back

Into the stone age again?

At the end leave only a baby’s shoe.

But that’s a little bit taboo, and so for now we’ll say adieu.

I could write a sonnet but it’s so cliché

And I wouldn’t know what to say.

A ballad too, a Mary-sue:

It’s just not really my thing thank-you.

A nursery rhyme? How sublime!

From times that have now passed

Their prime.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall?

Well it’s his own bloody fault for sitting on the wall

When he didn’t have any balance at all.

And I wouldn’t have cried at Georgie’s kisses

But how he ran from those boys’ hisses

And how cupid’s arrow truly misses its mark on me.

And why put a baby in a tree

When it’s gonna break? You must agree

It’s lunacy! I plea to hush them any other way.

And I never lost my pocket, though if I had

I bet that Kitty Fischer would have nicked the lot,

The bitch.

And when did the bells of London start to talk?

I walk the streets without a squawk from them

But I pray that they will say something today;

But that’s only child’s play.

And the tradition every year to get together

And sing remember remember about a man

Who had a plan and burn him on a fire.

What a fun night, kids.

Maybe you should’ve sung the last verse, Mum, in which Molly Malone dies.

I don’t think I would’ve cried.

But is this what you want to see?

Shall I write of birds and love and trees?

Is that what you want of me?

Am I now writing poetry?

And do you expect us to sit in coffee bars

And discuss Joyce and beheaded green knights and –

Okay, well, we have done that. But we’ve also

Sat in pubs discussing Twilight, so it’s all in balance really.

And what, do I have to quote like Eliot? Sell it

In hits of nature with some wit.

Will my message then transmit? Is it now legit?

Booze by any other name would taste as sweet

And get you just as drunk

How low now have I sunk?

Okay, so I will write of love from heaven’s above,

Except that it doesn’t work like that.

We date, and I have to say I think it is going well;

If by well I mean swell we could dwell

On the ways by which my heart is

Bewitched, and count - by clock - the mount

Of my beating tock. But to ascertain

Affection as though it were a mathematical

Equation - by Jove, we couldn’t and shouldn’t,

Wouldn’t assess the invasion of Cupid’s dear

Persuasion. And though downpour could take

Its toll and let us loll apart, it’d be sheer

Folly to hide beneath separate brollies; because,

As I’m sure I’ve said, it’s been quite pleasant

Thus far.

And if perhaps I had to desist

Would it be my eyes that resist, and

Dismiss your jist, or rather my lips

That persist in missing your kiss.

Could I list the ways in which

I slam my fist?

Oh, but why would I want to fly out of my

Pure sweet lure, I cannot know. For so far the

Fire has boiled with desire and I’d be a liar to

Call the situation dire. Or even risk the brisk

Pace with the face of our decisions.

It’d be a crime. Oh, it’d be a crime.


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  • It's lovely… can't wait for you're second one. Can't believe I missed it! by on this entry
  • I love this, its my favorite! I can't believe you remember it though it is sooooooooooooo long. x by on this entry
  • Forsake the introduction, the poem is good. Also, remember to order your tags in alphabetical order.… by J on this entry

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