All entries for October 2008

October 09, 2008

day 48

day 48

Today I encounter the concept that says the layout will be different depending on whether the publication has assured audience.

The concept suddenly reminded me that, in my experience and my opinion, I'd found that people who were good at making good first impressions, were usually not in a standard relationship or have no professional skill.  Just like the posters without assured audience must  be attractive and colourful.  I have met three this type of persons. Well, it's my subjective point of view; I like to classify people I've met. It's a hobby~

October 07, 2008

Not my place

I felt ill so I went to sleep after class. Then, I had a nightmare(or daymare?) which made me cry awake. I can't remember what's in the dream, but I remember the first thing came to my mind after the dream was that: "I can't afford a relationship in a foreign country". 

Actually, the first day when I came to UK for the following term several days ago, I felt odd. I didn't feel that way in the first year. This year when I arrived UK, I was living in a hostel in London with my friend and we both felt odd. We felt good to be a tourist, but bad to be a resident.(the hostel was fine) This is not our place.

I remember the time when I was in Beijing. Beijing was also not my place. I felt myself like a dust or an animal instead of a human being. It was at that time that I raised the hobby of writing and creating. I wanted to creat a world for myself to feel comfortable with. It is said that there's no "myself"; only the enviroments shape a person. Since I knew very few Taiwaneses there and got along with mainland Chinese most of the time, I think I unconsciously switched off my personality which was formed in Taiwan, and built up a new personality while getting along with my classmates. However, I grew up in Taiwan, so my major personality is still a Taiwanese. I still want to stay in Taiwan for long, but I also hope to broaden my horizen as much as possible before settling down in my hometown. That's why I study abroad.

I tried to go out with a boy last end of term. At first I was very happy and naively believe that I found someone I can talk to in a foriegn language and in a foriegn country. It made me feel that "one world, one dream" are not just advertising words. However, I suddenly realized it was merely my imagination. I also felt very very very very very regretful that I told him I wanted to travel with him. Actually I didn't mean the literal meaning of it. We just met and I had good impression to him and I would like to show some kindness to imply that I liked him. It was a way of showing kind attitude, not a real plan. However, I think it made him misunderstand that I was easygoing and desiring for sex.

He then introduced what he so-called a very close friend to me. When I saw her, I was surprised about how similar we were. She and I seemed to be the same type of girl, but she was elder and more mature. In front of him, she held my hand and told me she and he were just friend. I felt very odd so I remember this very clearly. If they were really just freind, she could just tell me her name, why she exaggerated it? However, when he turned his back on us, she told me he was her boyfriend.

At first, I thought it was her imagination. Girls often do that imagination; especially Asian girls, and I was very confident to myself. However, I gradually realized that they were in a relationship; at least they saw each other as close friend and they seemed to have sexual relationship. (well, the way one touches the other can tell lots of things). What else can you call a "female close friend who I can have sex with"? If they were not in a relationship, he also shouldn't make her misunderstand that he was her boyfriend.

As I realized the situation, it dawned on me that he didn't treat me as a normal human being. I was just a doll in his eyes. I implied him that I liked him and I didn't like an unfaithful man. I reckon he might tell his girlfriend about me and she didn't feel safe and would like to come and had a check. He might playfully told her he would like to have an act to see how I would react and they could have some jokes to talk about later on. So he told her to say they were "just friend". Maybe she liked me when she saw me, so she told me the truth. If he didn't see her as a girlfriend, then he saw both of us as stupid dolls instead of normal human beings.   

Though it has been a long time and were tiny little things, and my memory may have twisted some parts of the story, but whenever I think of it, I feel insulted and discriminated. Maybe there are some misunderstandings because of the cultural differences, but I really don't like to be treated in this way, and I also can't understand what makes he thought he could do this? Who did he think he was?

Anyway, after all, she and I were both foreigners here. I felt pretty sorry for her to have such a boyfriend, and she seemed to love him very much. I reckon it is very painful to live abroad with an unfaithful boyfriend; especially when one has no family around and is very likely to transfer the needs of family into her relationship. Good luck with them.

Since she and I seemed to be the same type, I also reflected myself a lot. I think I shouldn't be hanging around with my dreams anymore. I should grow up and be practical. I should grasp the knowlege since knowlege is power. I believe that once I can hold the power in a foreign country, I will be more powerful and successful in my hometown and I will be more likely to get all what I want.

October 04, 2008

A meaningful summer

This text is written for my course, so the summer must be meaningful, but actually it also happens to be meaningful.


I spent most of my time with my mother this summer. We went shopping, seeing movies, eating in fancy restaurants, and doing lots of things together. Since I hadn't seen her for about a year, I had lots of things to tell her.  I also found she is becoming more and more intellegently attractive while aging.

I told her about my school life: the academic progresses and difficulties I thought I was having, society activities I jioned, cross-cultural communication expereience, men, boys, relationships, gossips among my acqaintances, etc. All the things and thoughts a 21-year-old young woman studying in university abraod without working experience, mature ways of dealing with people, and family's company had.

My mother started to work when she was 17; she had a very different 21. She also told me about her life in her 20s. She told me her working experiences, how she worked alone without family's supports, how she delt with her bosses, her bosses' business partners and her colleagues, how she got promotions, how she broke up with her ex-boyfriends, her relationships with ex-boyfriends, her bosses', friends' and colleagues' gossips, and of course how much she loves my father and our family, etc.

We exchange our life experiences and discussed a lot about it while shopping, eating, reading newspaper and seeing movies. It was very cheerful to be with her; her smile always have the magic of bringing happiness. I really hope I can have the same type of smile when I reach her current age.  

Therefore, I chosed to settle down in the worldview she has always provide to me. By this way, I also got a clear view to my current life and know what I should do next.

It is a precious summer; a summer that I know what I exactly should do in my life.    

October 03, 2008

day 47

I feel pretty relax and carefree when writing this blog, because I can say that the whole things in it are a fiction.

I'm a invented character, so I can be very carefree.

It's a fiction, so there's nothing personal.

I wrote it for practicing my English.

An artistic and good-looking guy is usually attractive; (merely artistic or good-looking are both not enough, but artistic + good-looking = YES) not to mention that he spends money on you and appears to be gentle and considerate. (I still can't figure out why he liked to spend money on young women; maybe his father had too much money and didn't know where to spend it. In Chinese, it is so-called "Ta Lao Zi You Qian". In this way, I would rather go out with his father,haha.) However However HOWEVER, if he's not totally single (in my opinion, totally single means he doesn't have any close female friend; especially who apparently takes him as a boyfriend) going out alone with him is just like eating a meal with a cockroach in it.

I reckon he failed the exam, so he gave up his degree. It's challenging for anyone to spend loads of time messeging with many young women and at the same time get an all-pass. It is also stupid to give up a degree to "pursue one's dream" unless he or she has failed.

I didn't get involved much, so I'm not sure about his situation, but I believe my intuition. I bet that many many MANY of his female friends think they are his girlfriend. That's the weakness of Asian young women. I know that! I've watched many Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean, etc etc etc dramas and loads of news in Chinese. That's the very old, common and popular he's a meal with lots of lots of cockroaches...

Whether his behavior can be judged as right or wrong, he is out of my understanding. I reckon it's not wise to even be friends with someone you think his behavior is hard to understand. It is just like trying to be friends with a nut, and being divided into a nut's kind. NoNoNoNoNoNo!

Besides, he once told me he hoped I could get along well with his "female friends". One of his "female freinds" (who seems to be the "first wife") even appeared to be very adore of me in front of him. It is just like being asked to join in a nut's club. NoNoNoNoNoNoNo!

The reason why an emperor could have loads of wives was because he owned power and wealth. However, the man in this article seems to have nothing but a handsome face. He and his female friends are all out of my understanding. I really really don't like people whose behaviors are out of my understanding. Therefore, eventually, I totally deleted him from my life. Yeah, since most of his female friends are suspicious, I don't want to even be friends with him. I don't want to be suspicious, and I don't want to be divided into the nut's club. Besides, I'm living in the modern society, where women have the chance to be finacially independent. It is not worthwhile in any way to spend too much time to compete with other women for a man; not to mention the one that doesn't seem to be potencially wealthy and will become ugly once he grows old:p    

After doing this decision, I felt very good. To be honest, the reason I went out with him at the very first place was that "loads of my classmates said he was handsome" (not even me myself thought so; first I thought he was just common).  I was like a spoiled teenager. Deleting him is a good turning point for me. I suddenly felt I grew up a lot and be more like an adult. It was a very nice experience. I now know more about myself and what kind of person I am, so I also know more about what I want from my life and from the world. Nice~!

yeah he can read English so it's a fiction.

or it's a fiction so he can read English?

whatever, I feel very good, that's the point.

October 2008

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