June 22, 2008

day 39

day 39

strange expectation

I don't know why when someone asking me out alone, I will think maybe he is asking for a relationship. Actually it has no logic; I just think in that way, and I feel strange. I don't know why I'll feel a bit guilty to go out with another guy alone when someone I have good impression has asked me out. It is totally unnecessary......I think I'm still influenced much by old value system and I think I should get rid of it or I'll easily hold false expectation and it makes me a bit upset...  

When I'm typing about it, I just think I'm so silly. I started recalling some Chinese girls I know...they seem to tend to do the same...while there's no the same problem with Chinese boys! Oh and another thing...so far there has been no one saying I'm ugly...I think that's why I'll easily have expectations or a sense of guilt. If I was ugly enough, I assume I wouldn't worry or even think about it. 

Besides, I don't know why when I have a good impression for a boy, I'll guess what kind of behaviors he may not like and prevent myself from doing those behaviors even though I like some of them. It is also unnecessary...and I assume few Chinese boys have the same problem too. I'm just surprised about how the old values still have influence on me though I grew up in a modern society with educated parents. It also makes me can't be concentrate on enjoying the time.

Since I assume the only person who can be with me forever is myself, I decided to be self-centre... but still be kind to people as possible as I can.  

A song I currently like. I think the title should be translated as "we are the same type of person"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMvoxrt_f6g


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  1. Sue

    I think it’s true, when you’re not reading my mind you’re interpreting my dreams. I know exactly what you mean about making a good impression with a boy. I remember when I started going out with my first boyfriend which was when I was 16 (if you don’t count Matthew who asked me to marry him when I was 7 and then when he was 12 and had moved away rode miles on his bike to see me one day only to find that I wasn’t in, poor darling boy), although he was only 15 and had had girlfriends before which I think probably coloured the way I viewed him and made me more aware of the impression I was having on him. I remember one winters day being out for a walk with him, it was just round the streets where I used to live and getting this tickle in my throat and thinking I can’t possibly start coughing because he’ll think that’s awful so I tried to restrain it and you know how the more you try to stop coughing, the more you want to cough. Eventually my eyes started watering and I let out this stifled cough much to his amusement. He said “What’s the matter.” and I said “Nothing.” It all seems so silly now but I wasn’t relaxed in his company for a long time, I don’t think this was helped by the fact that I went to an all girls school and had no brothers but I may be wrong because my sister was much more relaxed in the company of boys and had her first boyfriend before me although she’s two yeras younger. So when you do find someone whose company you’re completely relaxed in, it’s something to treasure and although sometimes you can take each other for granted you know you can say anything you like to each other.

    Of course some personalities clash and people get on with different types. You can be aware that some people might find certain things annoying. Yesterday we went somewhere where there were windmills but it turns out they weren’t windmills really. I said “Look at all the windmills on the hill over there.” And one of the people in the car with me said “They’re not windmills, they’re wind turbines”. I know this preciseness could annoy some people but it’s something I very much admire in her and have always found an interesting trait, she’s very logical too which I hugely admire.

    I read in the paper the other day that they were going to make smaller condoms for Asian men. I hadn’t realised it was a problem before. Like you when I’m typing about things sometimes I feel so silly.

    22 Jun 2008, 14:05


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