All entries for Tuesday 07 October 2008

October 07, 2008

Not my place

I felt ill so I went to sleep after class. Then, I had a nightmare(or daymare?) which made me cry awake. I can't remember what's in the dream, but I remember the first thing came to my mind after the dream was that: "I can't afford a relationship in a foreign country". 

Actually, the first day when I came to UK for the following term several days ago, I felt odd. I didn't feel that way in the first year. This year when I arrived UK, I was living in a hostel in London with my friend and we both felt odd. We felt good to be a tourist, but bad to be a resident.(the hostel was fine) This is not our place.

I remember the time when I was in Beijing. Beijing was also not my place. I felt myself like a dust or an animal instead of a human being. It was at that time that I raised the hobby of writing and creating. I wanted to creat a world for myself to feel comfortable with. It is said that there's no "myself"; only the enviroments shape a person. Since I knew very few Taiwaneses there and got along with mainland Chinese most of the time, I think I unconsciously switched off my personality which was formed in Taiwan, and built up a new personality while getting along with my classmates. However, I grew up in Taiwan, so my major personality is still a Taiwanese. I still want to stay in Taiwan for long, but I also hope to broaden my horizen as much as possible before settling down in my hometown. That's why I study abroad.

I tried to go out with a boy last end of term. At first I was very happy and naively believe that I found someone I can talk to in a foriegn language and in a foriegn country. It made me feel that "one world, one dream" are not just advertising words. However, I suddenly realized it was merely my imagination. I also felt very very very very very regretful that I told him I wanted to travel with him. Actually I didn't mean the literal meaning of it. We just met and I had good impression to him and I would like to show some kindness to imply that I liked him. It was a way of showing kind attitude, not a real plan. However, I think it made him misunderstand that I was easygoing and desiring for sex.

He then introduced what he so-called a very close friend to me. When I saw her, I was surprised about how similar we were. She and I seemed to be the same type of girl, but she was elder and more mature. In front of him, she held my hand and told me she and he were just friend. I felt very odd so I remember this very clearly. If they were really just freind, she could just tell me her name, why she exaggerated it? However, when he turned his back on us, she told me he was her boyfriend.

At first, I thought it was her imagination. Girls often do that imagination; especially Asian girls, and I was very confident to myself. However, I gradually realized that they were in a relationship; at least they saw each other as close friend and they seemed to have sexual relationship. (well, the way one touches the other can tell lots of things). What else can you call a "female close friend who I can have sex with"? If they were not in a relationship, he also shouldn't make her misunderstand that he was her boyfriend.

As I realized the situation, it dawned on me that he didn't treat me as a normal human being. I was just a doll in his eyes. I implied him that I liked him and I didn't like an unfaithful man. I reckon he might tell his girlfriend about me and she didn't feel safe and would like to come and had a check. He might playfully told her he would like to have an act to see how I would react and they could have some jokes to talk about later on. So he told her to say they were "just friend". Maybe she liked me when she saw me, so she told me the truth. If he didn't see her as a girlfriend, then he saw both of us as stupid dolls instead of normal human beings.   

Though it has been a long time and were tiny little things, and my memory may have twisted some parts of the story, but whenever I think of it, I feel insulted and discriminated. Maybe there are some misunderstandings because of the cultural differences, but I really don't like to be treated in this way, and I also can't understand what makes he thought he could do this? Who did he think he was?

Anyway, after all, she and I were both foreigners here. I felt pretty sorry for her to have such a boyfriend, and she seemed to love him very much. I reckon it is very painful to live abroad with an unfaithful boyfriend; especially when one has no family around and is very likely to transfer the needs of family into her relationship. Good luck with them.

Since she and I seemed to be the same type, I also reflected myself a lot. I think I shouldn't be hanging around with my dreams anymore. I should grow up and be practical. I should grasp the knowlege since knowlege is power. I believe that once I can hold the power in a foreign country, I will be more powerful and successful in my hometown and I will be more likely to get all what I want.

October 2008

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