November 27, 2008

day 51

Way in and way out


Two pieces of my rough translation from two songs:


Singer: F.I.R

Lydia, why you're crying?
what are you looking for?
You are pretending to be alright,
but I know you are hurt and feeling lost.
Listen...The gypsy girl is singing:
while exploring the world
you'll  find mist, cloud, sun....
and the broken earth with repeating tragedies,
but you have to know,
his leaving can't  dispossess the heaven you deserve to have,
like there's alway rainbow after the rain,
and you can keep holding your dream,
cause you'll eventually find a right person,
who can share the same dream.
Lydia, happiness is not in the outside world.
relax, open a window and make a wish.
I'm telling you....
while exploring life,
you'll find love, hatred, forgiveness
and learn to be optimistic throughout lots of heartbreakings,
but you have to know,
his leaving can't  dispossess the heaven you deserve to have,
like there's alway rainbow after the rain,
and you can keep holding your dream,
cause you'll eventually find a right person,
who can share the same dream with you.

<Outside world>

singer: Qiqin

Once upon a time,
you were my world
and I was yours
Once upon a time,
you left me,
going outside to seek for your dream.
The outside world is bright.
The outside world is difficult.
If you find the outside world is bright,
I'll be here, feeling very happy for you.
I'm counting the sunsets,
still waiting for you to come back.
No matter raining or sunny,
I'm always here, waiting for you.
The outside world is bright.
The outside world is difficult.
If you find the outside world is difficult,
I'll be here, standing by your side.
I'm counting the sunsets,
still waiting for you to come back.
No matter raining or sunny,
I'm always here, waiting for you.
I'm always here, waiting for you.
I'm always here, waiting for you......

Sometimes...emotions seem to sructure a shelter for me. I feel kind of safe, and..."existing" while being emotional. However, to keep the daily things going normally, I have to be sensible. By doing this, I feel as if my life were only made out of works...but is being emotional the only way to feel alive??

November 09, 2008

day 50

the unsent letters

Image from Cape No.7

December 25, 1945.
Tomoko, the sun has sinked into the sea.
I can't see Taiwan anymore.
Are you still searching for me?
please forgive my weakness.
please forgive me that I've never admitted the fact we loves each other.
How did it start?
I can't remember.
I can't remember how I can't have my mind without you,
who didn't obey the rule to cut her hair and made me really angry
you are stubborn and reasonless, fooling around with popular trends
but I can't stop loving you.
when we finally waited until you graduated,
my country lost the war.
Suddenly I was from a defeated nation,
falling from proud aristocrat to chained criminal,
but I'm also merely a poor teacher.
Why shall I carry the guilt of a nation?
That shall be the guilt of the time and fate,
but I'm only a poor teacher.
I love you, but I have to ignore our love.
Day three,
I'm struggling to forget you...but how?
You're a student growing up under the shining sun of the south;
I'm a teacher from the snowing north across the sea.
We are so different;
why we are so in love?
I miss the shining sun...and the warm wind...
I miss the way you're annoyed by the red ants.
I know I shouldn't have marked you
your way of trampling on the red ants was beautiful;
like a magical dancing...
with fury and cozy...
Tomoko, that's when I fell in love with you...
How I wish a storm comes now
and swallows me into the sea between Taiwan and Japan,
so I won't blame myself for my weakness anymore.
several days of travelling,
I keep hearing the cry from the sea,
feeling like 500 years old
I can't leave the board, I can't sleep.
I've made up my mind;
once I get to the land, I'll never look back to the sea ,
because the sea always brings the sound of crying.
Why people cry when they love, marry, and give birth?
I always cry
whenever I think of the future happiness you may have,
but my tears are dried by the wind before bursting out.
The drying tears
have made me older.
Damn wind.
Damn moonlight.
Damn sea.
The December sea always carries madness.
I'm bearing the stinking humiliation and regretfulness,
slightly rocking with the wave in the ship.
I can't distinguish
whether I'm going home
or leaving!
.... (it's too long, I'll translate it another day) 
............................................................................Cape No.7 three of the seven unsent love letters, my rough translation

There is a English version of subtitle but I can't find it from the net.

I have a complicated feeling for this movie, but it is very hard to describ...I'm kind of...can't understand why so many people are crazy for this movie though I feel there are lots of things in it...maybe that's because it is the first movie that belongs to Taiwanese culture? The lines in the movie are mostly Taiwanese, some Japanese and rather few complicated...I feel I'm far away from my origin.

By the way, though I feel very complicated about what the director trying to tell, I know sth for sure...... If I were 'Tomoko', I would hate the teacher more when I recieved thoes it was a correct act that the letters were unsent 60 years ago....


November 04, 2008

day 49

I'm a bit panic because I don't know what to write for my essay. I haven't typed in English for a while and now is not familiar with translation theories. I have decided to skip the class to force myself totally focus on coming up with the outline and a clear structure for the essay. I guess I'm still not good at time management and now my brian is empty...

I tend to translate some parts of a song's lyrics to inspire my mind about my translation essay. Jay Chou has happened to have a new album currently. One of the songs is named "Mr. Magic":

rough translation for parts of the song lyrics:

"don't ask me to make a choice about whom I really love;

just believe what my tricks show you,

cause what's all in my mind

is how to make you happy.

...I've never made explanations,

that's why I'm not a clown but Mr. Magic."

However, without audience, Mr. Magic is nothing, right? and why there shall be any audience?

People's way of thinking is interesting. It seems that the environments, histories and cultures create how people think.  I've realized that there are some mistakes in my understanding about polysystem theory, and I now still find it hard to understand it. I find it hard to believe there's any "young culture" or "mature culture". It is hard for me to immerse myself into that type of explanation to the world and to quote the theory with my thinking in my essay.   

October 09, 2008

day 48

day 48

Today I encounter the concept that says the layout will be different depending on whether the publication has assured audience.

The concept suddenly reminded me that, in my experience and my opinion, I'd found that people who were good at making good first impressions, were usually not in a standard relationship or have no professional skill.  Just like the posters without assured audience must  be attractive and colourful.  I have met three this type of persons. Well, it's my subjective point of view; I like to classify people I've met. It's a hobby~

October 07, 2008

Not my place

I felt ill so I went to sleep after class. Then, I had a nightmare(or daymare?) which made me cry awake. I can't remember what's in the dream, but I remember the first thing came to my mind after the dream was that: "I can't afford a relationship in a foreign country". 

Actually, the first day when I came to UK for the following term several days ago, I felt odd. I didn't feel that way in the first year. This year when I arrived UK, I was living in a hostel in London with my friend and we both felt odd. We felt good to be a tourist, but bad to be a resident.(the hostel was fine) This is not our place.

I remember the time when I was in Beijing. Beijing was also not my place. I felt myself like a dust or an animal instead of a human being. It was at that time that I raised the hobby of writing and creating. I wanted to creat a world for myself to feel comfortable with. It is said that there's no "myself"; only the enviroments shape a person. Since I knew very few Taiwaneses there and got along with mainland Chinese most of the time, I think I unconsciously switched off my personality which was formed in Taiwan, and built up a new personality while getting along with my classmates. However, I grew up in Taiwan, so my major personality is still a Taiwanese. I still want to stay in Taiwan for long, but I also hope to broaden my horizen as much as possible before settling down in my hometown. That's why I study abroad.

I tried to go out with a boy last end of term. At first I was very happy and naively believe that I found someone I can talk to in a foriegn language and in a foriegn country. It made me feel that "one world, one dream" are not just advertising words. However, I suddenly realized it was merely my imagination. I also felt very very very very very regretful that I told him I wanted to travel with him. Actually I didn't mean the literal meaning of it. We just met and I had good impression to him and I would like to show some kindness to imply that I liked him. It was a way of showing kind attitude, not a real plan. However, I think it made him misunderstand that I was easygoing and desiring for sex.

He then introduced what he so-called a very close friend to me. When I saw her, I was surprised about how similar we were. She and I seemed to be the same type of girl, but she was elder and more mature. In front of him, she held my hand and told me she and he were just friend. I felt very odd so I remember this very clearly. If they were really just freind, she could just tell me her name, why she exaggerated it? However, when he turned his back on us, she told me he was her boyfriend.

At first, I thought it was her imagination. Girls often do that imagination; especially Asian girls, and I was very confident to myself. However, I gradually realized that they were in a relationship; at least they saw each other as close friend and they seemed to have sexual relationship. (well, the way one touches the other can tell lots of things). What else can you call a "female close friend who I can have sex with"? If they were not in a relationship, he also shouldn't make her misunderstand that he was her boyfriend.

As I realized the situation, it dawned on me that he didn't treat me as a normal human being. I was just a doll in his eyes. I implied him that I liked him and I didn't like an unfaithful man. I reckon he might tell his girlfriend about me and she didn't feel safe and would like to come and had a check. He might playfully told her he would like to have an act to see how I would react and they could have some jokes to talk about later on. So he told her to say they were "just friend". Maybe she liked me when she saw me, so she told me the truth. If he didn't see her as a girlfriend, then he saw both of us as stupid dolls instead of normal human beings.   

Though it has been a long time and were tiny little things, and my memory may have twisted some parts of the story, but whenever I think of it, I feel insulted and discriminated. Maybe there are some misunderstandings because of the cultural differences, but I really don't like to be treated in this way, and I also can't understand what makes he thought he could do this? Who did he think he was?

Anyway, after all, she and I were both foreigners here. I felt pretty sorry for her to have such a boyfriend, and she seemed to love him very much. I reckon it is very painful to live abroad with an unfaithful boyfriend; especially when one has no family around and is very likely to transfer the needs of family into her relationship. Good luck with them.

Since she and I seemed to be the same type, I also reflected myself a lot. I think I shouldn't be hanging around with my dreams anymore. I should grow up and be practical. I should grasp the knowlege since knowlege is power. I believe that once I can hold the power in a foreign country, I will be more powerful and successful in my hometown and I will be more likely to get all what I want.

October 04, 2008

A meaningful summer

This text is written for my course, so the summer must be meaningful, but actually it also happens to be meaningful.


I spent most of my time with my mother this summer. We went shopping, seeing movies, eating in fancy restaurants, and doing lots of things together. Since I hadn't seen her for about a year, I had lots of things to tell her.  I also found she is becoming more and more intellegently attractive while aging.

I told her about my school life: the academic progresses and difficulties I thought I was having, society activities I jioned, cross-cultural communication expereience, men, boys, relationships, gossips among my acqaintances, etc. All the things and thoughts a 21-year-old young woman studying in university abraod without working experience, mature ways of dealing with people, and family's company had.

My mother started to work when she was 17; she had a very different 21. She also told me about her life in her 20s. She told me her working experiences, how she worked alone without family's supports, how she delt with her bosses, her bosses' business partners and her colleagues, how she got promotions, how she broke up with her ex-boyfriends, her relationships with ex-boyfriends, her bosses', friends' and colleagues' gossips, and of course how much she loves my father and our family, etc.

We exchange our life experiences and discussed a lot about it while shopping, eating, reading newspaper and seeing movies. It was very cheerful to be with her; her smile always have the magic of bringing happiness. I really hope I can have the same type of smile when I reach her current age.  

Therefore, I chosed to settle down in the worldview she has always provide to me. By this way, I also got a clear view to my current life and know what I should do next.

It is a precious summer; a summer that I know what I exactly should do in my life.    

October 03, 2008

day 47

I feel pretty relax and carefree when writing this blog, because I can say that the whole things in it are a fiction.

I'm a invented character, so I can be very carefree.

It's a fiction, so there's nothing personal.

I wrote it for practicing my English.

An artistic and good-looking guy is usually attractive; (merely artistic or good-looking are both not enough, but artistic + good-looking = YES) not to mention that he spends money on you and appears to be gentle and considerate. (I still can't figure out why he liked to spend money on young women; maybe his father had too much money and didn't know where to spend it. In Chinese, it is so-called "Ta Lao Zi You Qian". In this way, I would rather go out with his father,haha.) However However HOWEVER, if he's not totally single (in my opinion, totally single means he doesn't have any close female friend; especially who apparently takes him as a boyfriend) going out alone with him is just like eating a meal with a cockroach in it.

I reckon he failed the exam, so he gave up his degree. It's challenging for anyone to spend loads of time messeging with many young women and at the same time get an all-pass. It is also stupid to give up a degree to "pursue one's dream" unless he or she has failed.

I didn't get involved much, so I'm not sure about his situation, but I believe my intuition. I bet that many many MANY of his female friends think they are his girlfriend. That's the weakness of Asian young women. I know that! I've watched many Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean, etc etc etc dramas and loads of news in Chinese. That's the very old, common and popular he's a meal with lots of lots of cockroaches...

Whether his behavior can be judged as right or wrong, he is out of my understanding. I reckon it's not wise to even be friends with someone you think his behavior is hard to understand. It is just like trying to be friends with a nut, and being divided into a nut's kind. NoNoNoNoNoNo!

Besides, he once told me he hoped I could get along well with his "female friends". One of his "female freinds" (who seems to be the "first wife") even appeared to be very adore of me in front of him. It is just like being asked to join in a nut's club. NoNoNoNoNoNoNo!

The reason why an emperor could have loads of wives was because he owned power and wealth. However, the man in this article seems to have nothing but a handsome face. He and his female friends are all out of my understanding. I really really don't like people whose behaviors are out of my understanding. Therefore, eventually, I totally deleted him from my life. Yeah, since most of his female friends are suspicious, I don't want to even be friends with him. I don't want to be suspicious, and I don't want to be divided into the nut's club. Besides, I'm living in the modern society, where women have the chance to be finacially independent. It is not worthwhile in any way to spend too much time to compete with other women for a man; not to mention the one that doesn't seem to be potencially wealthy and will become ugly once he grows old:p    

After doing this decision, I felt very good. To be honest, the reason I went out with him at the very first place was that "loads of my classmates said he was handsome" (not even me myself thought so; first I thought he was just common).  I was like a spoiled teenager. Deleting him is a good turning point for me. I suddenly felt I grew up a lot and be more like an adult. It was a very nice experience. I now know more about myself and what kind of person I am, so I also know more about what I want from my life and from the world. Nice~!

yeah he can read English so it's a fiction.

or it's a fiction so he can read English?

whatever, I feel very good, that's the point.

August 13, 2008

day 46

day 46

I'm tired of being creative or doing experiments. I'm now interested in controlling the story, turning the plot into what I want. I'm aging.


I find it hard to understand......why it's easy for people to believe pretty lies; especially when I was lying. Of course I didn't do that on purpose; sometimes it's just hard to really communicate with people. I thought I was just showing an attitude, not promising a future fact...



August 04, 2008



Maybe it is because I've watched too many hollywood movies and Disney cartoons, sometimes I think Asians are more strange than westerners......I started to think my cousins are crazy...well... they still kind of hate me though I've shown my dignity to make up with them. Sometimes I suspect that maybe it is because I have always been better than them so they hate me......oh...that's crazy. 

July 18, 2008

day 44

day 44

I gradually find it hard to immerse myself into the plot of a story. I'm getting used to thinking about the characters' personalities, the cultural background, and the purpose of producing the story. Though I've read an interview with a director who once said:"it's much easier to make people cry than to make people laugh", I still find it hard to get the "points" that will be touching enough.

I think...maybe there is no "common sense" in the world. When reading fictions created from other cultures, I think that's just what people living in that culture would do in their life. I seldom feel anything sentimentally real when reading them. The more I read, the more firmly I believe there's no "common sense" in the world and the more confused I am.

I think I know Chinese culture as my mother tongue is Chinese. However,  I must confess that sometimes I don't understand Chinese people as well. Actually I know little about the world, but I think that will be enough for living to only know what I want.     


I think words only become powerful when people think they are powerful. They are just words, and if one doesn't understand the language, they mean nothing at all... 

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