All entries for Wednesday 21 June 2006
June 21, 2006
…as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway.
In other words, this is my apology for being in a fairly rubbish mood this week. This weekend, I was fine, and I thought things (my mood in particular) were looking up. But this week I've so far been rubbish. I've so far bitten Sam's head off and not even attempted to join in the MC BBQ, which is definitely not right. (Instead, I have been sitting at home teaching myself Beatles songs on the guitar – hurrah!)
I'd say I don't know what's up, but I do. The problem is, it (on top of everything else, such as not sleeping and the feeling that there's not enough hours in a day) is really getting to me, way more than I should. I should be able to deal with this, and I definitely shouldn't be taking it out on other people, so those I've moaned to/yelled at/sobbed at, I really do apologise. I don't know what's gotten into me at the moment. Yeah, it's easy to put it down to stuff, but that should make it easier to solve, and it doesn't. I don't know why I can't just let go of what's upsetting me and be done but it seems that I can't. And it's making me feel like a rubbish person for being so… well, rubbish. I know Matt told me not to be too hard on myself, and he's right – I shouldn't be. At times like this I'm my own worst enemy as I tend to blame myself for not doing the right thing, even though I can see that a) I'm trying to, and b) I'm hurting, so I really do need to just let up. Easier said than done though, eh?
So just bear with me for the next few days/week or so. I'll be fine in the end, I just need to get through this (bizarrely) rough patch. And bear in mind that if I say I need to be alone, I probably do need to be alone, and half an hour with a book and a cuppa, or a long walk somewhere, will probably do me the best of good.
And don't worry. This malaise really won't last if I have anything to do with it!