The Completely Useless Sports Guide #9
Horse Racing, often abbreviated to just Racing, is a sport which involves midgets sitting on horses and beating the living daylights out of their steed in order to make them run faster.
Many races take place on a flat or undulating course of turf, sand, astroturf, carpet, mud or jelly. Other races, known as point to point, start in one Lord’s back garden and end in another’s, whilst in some races they construct obstacles, known as fences, which span this course, forcing the horse to either jump it, run away from it, throw their mount to the floor, or trip over it and die. Races can have anything between 2 to 40 teams taking part.
The races themselves are often a sideshow to the main attraction, the betting on which horse is going to win/lose/not quite win/have its rider slow it down enough to make money for themselves/sneeze.
Although the horses usually only do one race every 3 or 4 months, the riders will often do several in a day, as they aren’t being whipped all the time. At the end of the season, the “Champion Jockey” is the one who has made the most money from fixing races, whilst the “Champion Trainer” is the one who has the most interviews by John McCriririririririririririririririririck.