September 26, 2006

The Completely Useless Sports Guide #6


Rugby is a confusingly generic term used to describe two similar but different sports. In both the aim of the game is to score points by kicking a ball over a bar and between two posts, sitting on a ball in the score area, and sitting on your opponent.

Teams for Rugby Union consist of 15 players, at least eight of which have to be big fat alcoholics. Teams also usually consist of one or two midgets who are like Cilit Bang through a penny. Rugby League teams consist of 13 similarly large players who like running into people. Each team must also supply a keg of ale for after the match.

League largely consists of running into the opposing team five times before kicking the ball to them. Should the opportunity persist players should sit on the nearest round oval object, be it ball or player. Brawling is positively encouraged on the pitch but everyone is too nice to do it after the game. Union is very similar, except there’s a lot more kicking and no limits to the amount of times you can run into a person. The two sports are also scored differently, even though you do exactly the same thing in both.

Competitions come in the cup and league form. The Cups are cash-cows designed to ensure the top flight teams from the league earn as much money as possible playing meaningless fixtures before two teams at random turn up for a final. The leagues consist of home and away fixtures, with each side getting a number of league points at the end determined by rolling a dice. Leagues then have a pointless end of season money-spinner by which the team which finished 27th usually ends up being crowned champions of the universe. Far more countries play union than league, so the latter’s World Cup consists for 14 New Zealand sides to make up for it.

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