August 05, 2006

The Completely Useless Sports Guide #5


Judo is a “safe” combat sport in which the aim is to either throw your opponent to the ground with a high degree of skill, hold them down on the ground for a set period of time, or apply a technique which forces them to submit.

The sport consists of a one-on-one fight between two people wearing differently coloured pyjamas, and a man in a suit watching over them. Throws are scores on quality, holds are scored on time, and arm locks and strangles are rather painful. Unless a winning score is given during the contest, the winner of the contest is the one who has scored the highest-scoring technique, not the one with the most number of points. The fact that 3×5+1×3<1x7 AND 7+7=10 is not only a very confusing scoring system to the layman but also mathematically wrong. Should the contest still be a draw by the time the timekeeper has drunk her coffee, the contest, two corner judges help the referee decide who wins on who they hate the least.

There are a number of banned techniques, including throws that might end up snapping the opponent’s head off, hold which might end up snapping the opponent’s head off, and locks which might end up snapping the opponent’s head off. It is, however, perfectly legal to pick a person up and drive them shoulder-first into the mat provided you can remember the Japanese name of the technique, or the referee is your dad.

Competitions take place all over the place and involve segregation of participants by gender and weight. This is not only to prevent fat people sitting on me, but also to stop perverts groping female opponents during groundwork. Club competitions are usually round-robin where everyone wins a medal no matter how rubbish they do, but serious stuff involves double-elimination tournaments.

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