April 19, 2008

London Mayor Elections

As you may be aware, the Amnesia Party is not fielding a candidate. This is because somebody spilt Onken on our forms, and by the time we had finished grieving we’d forgotten to get the application in in time. So, we’re left to look at one of the other candidates.

Firstly, we have the incumbent, who is I think is the Conservative candidate. He is the one who is currently the Mayor, and we can’t remember what he’s done for the city. But we aren’t dead, so we can’t be doing that badly.

Then we have the other guy, who I think is a Conservative. He is the one with the really bad haircut, and therefore we support him as our second choice.

Of course, you can’t forget the current mayor, who hasn’t done anything that we can remember as particularly bad. We made him one of our choices.

There’s some other guy, but we can’t remember who he is, which party he’s in or what he stands for. I’m not sure if he knows either to be honest.

However, we have decided to back the Green Party, whose candidate is a person. We believe any party that names itself after the colour it represents must be doing good, because they named themselves after the colour they represent.

So, if you want to vote for us, you can instead vote for.


February 27, 2008

Earthquake

It has come to the attention of the Amnesia Party that there was an earthquake in the West Midlands early this morning. Unfortunately, we’d forgotten that the West Midlands existed, having closed our office there in 2005.

Nevertheless, we believe that it is very important that our country is prepared for such natural disasters. We at the Amnesia Party believe that it’s very important that our country prepares for natural disasters such as earthquakes.

Therefore, we have resolved to draft a green paper on this issue about this thing, once we’ve remembered which drawer we put the green paper in.


January 17, 2008

Important correction to Import annoucnement

Writing about web page /lblackwell/entry/important_annoucnement_part/

Writing about an entry you don't have permission to view

Citizens of America,

Following yesterday’s press release by the Amnesia Party of America, I would like to issue the following correction. The phrase:

A vote for Amnesia is a vote you’ll never forget.

should have in fact read:

A vote for Amnesia is a vote you’ll never remember.

We would like to apologise for any confusion this hasn’t caused.


December 22, 2007

A New Year Message from the Amnesia Party

Follow-up to A New Year Message from the Amnesia Party from The Man From O.N.K.E.N.

People of Britain,

We at the Amnesia Party hope you have had a very Merry Christmas and are looking forward forward to a prosperous New Year in 200?. It has been a long and hard year for all of us with several events changing the world’s perception of itself, for example… stuff.

We at the Amnesia Party will never stop striving for something to happen, and this year we shall throw our weight behind the Government for the introduction of ID cards as soon as possible. However, we believe that things should go one step further and that rit… rot… reticle… cretin… eye scans should be used as a more efficient form of ID. This is because it is quite difficult to forget where one has put their eyes, and it would mean that another piece of plastic which can quite easily be lost down the back of the sofa along with the passport, the loss change and the contraceptives would not be of concern. Moreover a nationwide ID system would help make it a safer place for me, for you me and for me. Moreover, we also think instead of ID cards we should introduce retinal scans so that the cards don’t get lost.

With all the best for all our followers and supporters in the Next Year,

The Amnesia Party


November 28, 2007

The Completely Useless Sports Guide #9

Horse Racing

Horse Racing, often abbreviated to just Racing, is a sport which involves midgets sitting on horses and beating the living daylights out of their steed in order to make them run faster.

Many races take place on a flat or undulating course of turf, sand, astroturf, carpet, mud or jelly. Other races, known as point to point, start in one Lord’s back garden and end in another’s, whilst in some races they construct obstacles, known as fences, which span this course, forcing the horse to either jump it, run away from it, throw their mount to the floor, or trip over it and die. Races can have anything between 2 to 40 teams taking part.

The races themselves are often a sideshow to the main attraction, the betting on which horse is going to win/lose/not quite win/have its rider slow it down enough to make money for themselves/sneeze.

Although the horses usually only do one race every 3 or 4 months, the riders will often do several in a day, as they aren’t being whipped all the time. At the end of the season, the “Champion Jockey” is the one who has made the most money from fixing races, whilst the “Champion Trainer” is the one who has the most interviews by John McCriririririririririririririririririck.


September 21, 2007

The Amnesia Party's Guide to a New Year

Dear John,

I am glad you are reading this, because this will help you prepare for a new year of university. Here are some simple guidelines for keeping everything OK for the new year.

  1. Make a list of all the things that you need to do before you leave home.
  2. Make a list of all the things that you need to bring with you from home.
  3. Make a list of all the things that you need to buy when you arrive.
  4. Make a list of all the things that you need to do before you leave home.
  5. Make a list of all the things that you plan to do outside lectures.
  6. Make a list of all the things that you plan to do inside lecture.
  7. Make a list of all the things that you plan to do before you leave home.
  8. Make a list of all the lists you just made.
  9. Make a list of all the lists of lists you just made.
  10. Make a list of all the things that you need to do before you leave home.

Once you have done this, you need to make the following lists:

  1. Make a list of all the things that you need to do before you leave home.
  2. Make a list of all the things that you need to do after you leave home.
  3. Make a list of all the local pubs, clubs and eateries.
  4. Make a list of all the books you need to buy for your course.
  5. Make a list of all the things that you need to do before you leave home.
  6. Make a list of all the names of people you meet.
  7. Make a list of all the lists you have just made.

Finally, make a list of all the lists you have just made.

I hope this helps. :)


September 14, 2007

Learning Japanese with Luke – Lesson 2: Peter Pen the Prostitute writes his diary

Follow-up to Learning Japanese with Luke – Lesson 1: Peter Pen the Prostitute from The Man From O.N.K.E.N.

Now I know where Peter is, I have to help him write his diary. This will be useful when I walk up to some random Japanese person in the street and ask them what day of the week it is.

Kyoo wa naniyoobi desu ka?
Kyooh wah nan-yooh-bee dess kah?
What day is it today?

Nanji desu ka?
Nan-jee dess kah?
What time is it?

Kyoo wa Suiyoobi desu.
Kyooh wah soo-ee-yooh-bee dess.
Today it is Wednesday.

Ashita wa Doyoobi desu.
A-shtaah wah doh-yooh-bee dess.
Tomorrow it is Saturday.

Gogo goji han desu.
Go-go go-jee han dess.
The time is 5:30pm.

Kinoo wa nanyoobi ka oboetenain desu ka?
Kee-noo wah nan-yooh-bee kah o-boh-eh-teh-naiyn dess ka?
Can’t you remember what day it was yesterday?

Kechi ni naranakute, udedokei o kau toki desu!
Keh-chi nee nah-rah-nah-ku-teh, ooh-deh-doh-keh oh cow tokk-ee dess!
It’s time you stopped being a cheapskate and bought a watch!


September 07, 2007

Facebook: Open All Hours

Now I would have expected somebody to have beaten me to this by a long way, but it seems to have sneaked by WB unnoticed that Facebook is opening its doors to Google, and with it taking the last bastion of “privacy” from the site.

Facebook, of course, started out as a North American collegiate networking site, which then expanded to international students. It then opened it doors to the general public, but during all this kept the spiders out, so that what was in Facebook could only be tracked down by logged-in Facebook users.

But now Facebook is directly pitching itself against major rivals like MySpace and Bebo. The two target audiences are arguably significantly different – potentially there could be a continuous migration from Bebo to MySpace to Facebook with age, but as those who despair at the state of SPG of schoolchildren will know the “infiltration” of the MySpace userbase onto Facebook is changing the face of the site.

Of course, being able to be tracked down by Google raises several issues, although I can leave talking about “infringement of privacy” and “protection of personal data” and stuff like that to others.

I reckon Facebook has left a niche in the market behind, which it used to fill. By targeting collegiate students and not allowing anyone else in, it very powerfully segmented a userbase who had intent to procrastinate. But by going open in this way, could Facebook be leaving their niche behind for somebody else to fill? Another potential scenario is that “even more ‘grown up’” sites like Linked-In could benefit with a Facebook userbase dissatisfied with the opening out of the site.

But if it make Facebook Inc more money, then why should they worry about this?


August 09, 2007

Learning Japanese with Luke – Lesson 1: Peter Pen the Prostitute

For those of you who don’t know, I’m off to Japan in November for a whole fortnight. This means I have to learn how to speak the language, otherwise I will be in a spot of bother.

I speak Japanese like a native of Bulgaria. Thankfully, my housemate speaks Japanese like a native of Japan (as long as you don’t ask him about cardiomyopathy) so he’s training me up.

In today’s lesson we will learn about locating pens.

Pen wa doko desu ka?
Penn wah do-ko dess kah?
Where is the pen?

Pen wa teburu no ue ni aru.
Penn wah teh-buru no ooh-eh nee a-roo.
The pen is on the table.

Pen wa isu no shita ni aru.
Penn wah ee-soo no schtar nee a-roo.
The pen is underneath the chair.

Pen wa kappu no hidari-gawa ni aru.
Penn wah cuh-poo no he-dar-ee-gah-wah nee a-roo.
The pen is on the left hand side of the glass.

Pen wa oita tokoro ni aru.
Penn wah oy-ee-tah toh-koh-roh nee a-roo.
The pen is where you left it.

Nande anata no bakana pen no basho o wakaru hazu da?
Nan-deh a-nah-tah no bah-kah-nah penn no ba-shoh oh wah-kah-roo ha-zoo dah?
Why the hell should I know where your stupid pen is?

I look forward to you joining me for your next lesson.


July 25, 2007

Cycling: is it really an example of a failed sport?

Well what a silly couple of days in Le Tour. Firstly pre-race favourite Alex “crash lots then stage fightback then crumble then stage another fightback” Vinokourov fails a blood test and gets both him and his team kicked out. Then after Cofidis form part of a protest to not start racing for a bit, one of their riders fails a drugs test and promptly gets himself arrested and his team kicked out. Now race leader Michael “I’m not a drugs cheat, I just forget where I am a lot” Rasmussen, having just won today’s stage, has been sacked by his own team for being dishonest about his whereabouts. And that’s before you mention the ongoing sagas of last year’s Tour de France “winner” Floyd Landis and this year’s Giro d’Italia “winner” Danilo Di Luca.

It’s laughable that something that considers itself to be a sport can be so ridden with competitors artificially enhancing their bodies. But I’m not going to go and have a rant about how drugs are bad and the riders are nasty people, as that would be too generic. Cycling, at least, is actually trying to something about it – it’s just so disorganised and haphazard. The incentive is there for riders to keep cheating, and with the money floating about you can hardly blame them.

No, instead I look at sports like baseball and golf. Baseball has probably the most apathetic testing system of any sport, and golf the laziest (i.e. it doesn’t even have one). Why should people stay clean when for such little risk they can reap massive rewards by injecting blood or other substances into their system?

Cycling is again looking very bad. For the second year in a row its showpiece event leaves a bad taste in the mouth because its main stars have been shown to be cheats. And I can see the trend continuing, because as the system sorts itself out more and more people will be caught out, until a new generation of cleaner riders prevail and then positive tests become the exception rather than the expected.

As for baseball, how can you possibly compare the achievements of Barry Bonds, who has been dogged by the BALCO scandal, to Hank Aaron? It’s more than noticeable that Marion Jones, since the BALCO details have come to light, has been running at best average and more accurately plain crap.

Some thought that when German TV ceased transmission of le Tour in protest at the pre-event failure of a drugs test by another rider it was an overreaction. Some today felt that the refusal to start cycling by the teams campaigning for cleaner cycling was an overreaction. Yes this is another Tour de France which is going to be remembered for all the wrong reasons, but it’s not because cycling is a sport which isn’t trying to clean itself up. It just is playing catch-up from having not taken it seriously enough.


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