It's so cold it smells like Kendal Mint Cake

'Ee bah gum ber ahm cowd' as the great song goes*.

As winter seems to have descended in full force and we are supposedly going to experience the coldest season for 50 years, I thought I would pass on some of my survival tips for the cold but miserly student.

1. Find a corner
2. Round up all the things you are likely to need for a good few hours, e.g. books, kendal mint cake, tv remote, large glass of brandy (purely for warmth of course).
3. Get a hot waterbottle/ wheatbag or a hot brick if you are really miserly.
4. Find two double duvets (try stealing one from a housemate – they will be so cold they won't move very fast to stop you.)
5. Sit on the first duvet. Pull the top over your head like a hood.
6. Pull the bottom end of the second duvet underneath you and the top up to your neck.
7. Tug the edges of the second duvet up to your thighs.
8. Draw the top corners of the first duvet under your chin
9. Put the hot water bottle or equivalent under your feet.
10. Realise you really really need the loo.

So there you go. Ten easy steps to make your own den. I am the Ray Mears of surviving in the great indoors. Good luck for a toasty warm cocoon and a healthier bank balance.

*for full lyrics and a cd of me singing to the accompaniment of the paper and comb, please send a SAE to me.

: 18 Nov 2005 21:37 |  Comments (2) |  Report a problem